I've been asking myself some questions recently. It's been a little trying time in some ways. The lonliness that won't subside. The longing to meet that person I haven't met yet. The fact that I'd rather be alone just to wallow in my own sorrow. There are many people who I know don't see it, mostly because I don't want them to or they just don't ask. I'm saying all this in general terms, not pointing any fingers at anyone other then myself. I worry about too much and worry that there is so much I don't want to change but I know will, but to what end? Who will I lose? Will I gain anyone or anything? Will those who mean the most to me not know that they do? Will I lose myself along the way? I know that everyone loves and cares but there are just those days that it just doesn't see like it anyone does...or maybe that it just makes it easier to be angry thinking they don't...
I know there has been a lot of wallowing on the blog lately and I know that I haven't been around on here a lot. I guess I just had to write this somewhere.
I remember a quote from Scrubs that fits accordingly: "It sucks to be alone, even when there are people all around you."
Showing posts with label Reflection. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Reflection. Show all posts
Monday, May 25, 2009
Monday, March 23, 2009
Expansion
Well, I figured I owe all of my loves out there (who haven't heard part or all of what's goin on in life) a little bit of an update. Or my long awaited "expanding" that I should have done a few weeks ago.
First off, Kiznox, it's good to have you back. Glad to hear things are going pretty well. Rambo, you know I love you buddy and no more worried nighttime texts ;)
Where to begin... Well here's the facts:
I have one semester left of school.
I will most likely not be receiving any funding for said semester.
Going rate for a semester of out of state graduate tuition (the answer may shock you): $13,000
If I'm not getting any funding, I will also not be teaching. Whether that's a plus or minus has yet to be determined.
School is rather a piece of shit still, but I'm just ready to be done and start the next chapter of my life.
I am just finishing up with my spring break. Umph was awesome. The break has crawled along, and I've done a lot, which is really nice. I saw Goerg and SVG on Wednesday, always a pleasure. Then I spent Thursday and Friday in Ann Arbor, went to a piano bar the first night and an "anything but clothes" party at Pat's house on the second. I then returned for a final night to EL to see Hock and then traveled back home.
I did a lot of driving this week (I didn't mention the short trip back to EL on Friday evening before the party). This left me a lot of time to do some thinking about life in general, which I needed, especially with my current unfortunate financial situation (I'm downplaying it significantly here... I'm really in bad shape right now). I watched a few movies, all of which I enjoyed, but a few in particular (namely "Young People Fucking" and "I'm Reed Fish" - both of which I'd recommend to anyone) really hit me in a very sincere way. I think I can speak for all twenty-somethings when I say it's kind of a strange period in life. We're used to the coming of age film, or the college flick, or seeing young parents as the lead in a movie, but it's somehow different to see people who are supposed to be (and actually seem like they are in real life) in that middle time between the youthfulness of college and the maturity of adulthood.
I have to pause for a moment here to say that I have the feeling this is one of those sentiments that exists for the rest of your life. I've always expected that eventually my age would be the destination I had been pushing towards, but I don't think that will ever be the case.
So basically, I've been pretty afraid of this whole growing up thing. Like I was going to end up boring, and used up, and no longer have anything to offer to anyone once I got out of my "young irresponsible" phase. But now I'm starting to realize that isn't the case, and the exciting portion of my life hasn't even started yet (and wont until I nuke Bloomin... err that is, until I move away from Bloomington). I've been thinking a lot about my life thus far and the decisions I've made, and who I am, and I'm actually pretty happy with where it ended up. This is sort of my quarter-life check up. I spent many years of my youth wishing I were more popular, or attractive, or athletic, or cooler or whatever. More something. More like the others. And strangely, now that I look at other people, I feel like my personality and life are so much richer than many of theirs. I'm a night person - in the sense from the 50s which kinda just means one of those people who never really took to the straight and narrow path. I'm extremely happy with my sexuality. I'm glad I have had the experiences with illicit substances that I have, and that I have used them in many cases to honestly enrich my life, not just for shits and giggles. Some people never know what it's life to feel the sublime. To really throw your world into turmoil, and break the rules. Not to say they haven't had hardships and strife and everything, but they will never understand the range of emotions that I can experience from a single moment. I'm sounding like an after school special, but honestly, I realized this in a lot of ways from talking to my one close friend in the voice department here. She and I got dinner and we talked about how from our first meeting, we knew that there was something special, and different about each other - we are those night people. And just like any good pothead can spot a narc a mile away - or another pothead for that matter - we recognize our own.
I have no point to any of this. I'm just in a mood to get some stuff down in writing.
Incidentally, along with this whole getting older and (hopefully) more mature thing, I'm in what is probably the healthiest relationship of my life. Long distance sucks, but there is a trust between me and Pat that is really different from the other long distance relationships I've tendered. And it feels so good to be with someone who'll give me a kiss in front of whoever cares to look without any worry about people's reactions. But still to be with someone who doesn't feel the need to be constantly entertained or coddled. And I don't feel like I'm like that anymore, so maybe I should say it's nice to be that boyfriend who doesn't require or expect certain things from a relationship
I'm just happy to have what I have, and feel what I feel, and I'll make the rest work somehow.
-Cottonmouth Out
First off, Kiznox, it's good to have you back. Glad to hear things are going pretty well. Rambo, you know I love you buddy and no more worried nighttime texts ;)
Where to begin... Well here's the facts:
I have one semester left of school.
I will most likely not be receiving any funding for said semester.
Going rate for a semester of out of state graduate tuition (the answer may shock you): $13,000
If I'm not getting any funding, I will also not be teaching. Whether that's a plus or minus has yet to be determined.
School is rather a piece of shit still, but I'm just ready to be done and start the next chapter of my life.
I am just finishing up with my spring break. Umph was awesome. The break has crawled along, and I've done a lot, which is really nice. I saw Goerg and SVG on Wednesday, always a pleasure. Then I spent Thursday and Friday in Ann Arbor, went to a piano bar the first night and an "anything but clothes" party at Pat's house on the second. I then returned for a final night to EL to see Hock and then traveled back home.
I did a lot of driving this week (I didn't mention the short trip back to EL on Friday evening before the party). This left me a lot of time to do some thinking about life in general, which I needed, especially with my current unfortunate financial situation (I'm downplaying it significantly here... I'm really in bad shape right now). I watched a few movies, all of which I enjoyed, but a few in particular (namely "Young People Fucking" and "I'm Reed Fish" - both of which I'd recommend to anyone) really hit me in a very sincere way. I think I can speak for all twenty-somethings when I say it's kind of a strange period in life. We're used to the coming of age film, or the college flick, or seeing young parents as the lead in a movie, but it's somehow different to see people who are supposed to be (and actually seem like they are in real life) in that middle time between the youthfulness of college and the maturity of adulthood.
I have to pause for a moment here to say that I have the feeling this is one of those sentiments that exists for the rest of your life. I've always expected that eventually my age would be the destination I had been pushing towards, but I don't think that will ever be the case.
So basically, I've been pretty afraid of this whole growing up thing. Like I was going to end up boring, and used up, and no longer have anything to offer to anyone once I got out of my "young irresponsible" phase. But now I'm starting to realize that isn't the case, and the exciting portion of my life hasn't even started yet (and wont until I nuke Bloomin... err that is, until I move away from Bloomington). I've been thinking a lot about my life thus far and the decisions I've made, and who I am, and I'm actually pretty happy with where it ended up. This is sort of my quarter-life check up. I spent many years of my youth wishing I were more popular, or attractive, or athletic, or cooler or whatever. More something. More like the others. And strangely, now that I look at other people, I feel like my personality and life are so much richer than many of theirs. I'm a night person - in the sense from the 50s which kinda just means one of those people who never really took to the straight and narrow path. I'm extremely happy with my sexuality. I'm glad I have had the experiences with illicit substances that I have, and that I have used them in many cases to honestly enrich my life, not just for shits and giggles. Some people never know what it's life to feel the sublime. To really throw your world into turmoil, and break the rules. Not to say they haven't had hardships and strife and everything, but they will never understand the range of emotions that I can experience from a single moment. I'm sounding like an after school special, but honestly, I realized this in a lot of ways from talking to my one close friend in the voice department here. She and I got dinner and we talked about how from our first meeting, we knew that there was something special, and different about each other - we are those night people. And just like any good pothead can spot a narc a mile away - or another pothead for that matter - we recognize our own.
I have no point to any of this. I'm just in a mood to get some stuff down in writing.
Incidentally, along with this whole getting older and (hopefully) more mature thing, I'm in what is probably the healthiest relationship of my life. Long distance sucks, but there is a trust between me and Pat that is really different from the other long distance relationships I've tendered. And it feels so good to be with someone who'll give me a kiss in front of whoever cares to look without any worry about people's reactions. But still to be with someone who doesn't feel the need to be constantly entertained or coddled. And I don't feel like I'm like that anymore, so maybe I should say it's nice to be that boyfriend who doesn't require or expect certain things from a relationship
I'm just happy to have what I have, and feel what I feel, and I'll make the rest work somehow.
-Cottonmouth Out
Thursday, January 8, 2009
One of the best articles I have ever read
I don't know if any of you on this blog are Mitch Albom fans or not. I have read his books (Five People You Meet In Heaven, Tuesdays with Morrie, One Last Day) and I have enjoyed each of them equally as well (I'm partial to Five People). I don't get the Free Press so I don't necessarily get a chance to read every article he writes, mostly sports. However, this article was brought to my attention this morning. He did a guest spot in Sports Illustrated about the courage of the city of Detroit. How throughout all of the shit that happens, we still cling to hope as a city and, even though we may be missing some of the landmarks and events that caused this city to be so great in the past, we still cling to the hope and the belief that we will be back to that city soon. Read this article and tell me that you disagree with any of it. We don't live in Detroit, but we live in a suburb of it and we hurt as Detroit hurts. I love a lot of things about the city, besides it's parking and crazy streets. I love the sports stadiums that I frequent. I love that we care so much about those involved in our city that we hurt as they hurt (the Konstantinov accident comes to mind).
This is one of the best articles that I have read because I knew exactly where he was coming from with it. Most of the outsiders looking in from other states and Canada would think we were just trying to make them feel bad. You read this article and tell me if you disagree with it.
Happy New Year all, let's hope Mitch is right and this year will be a good one.
This is one of the best articles that I have read because I knew exactly where he was coming from with it. Most of the outsiders looking in from other states and Canada would think we were just trying to make them feel bad. You read this article and tell me if you disagree with it.
Happy New Year all, let's hope Mitch is right and this year will be a good one.
Monday, December 8, 2008
5 Years Ago
5 years ago, I never thought I'd be where I am in life. I was just entering college thinking I was going to major in business and, in all honesty, not have a clue what I was going to do with that. Probably work in some cubicle. Thank God I'm not.
3 years ago, was majoring in hospitality business. I originally tried that because I want to own a bar someday. Then I took a couple of hotel classes and wanted to run a hotel. Once again, thank God I'm not, hotels are a bitch to run.
2 years ago, I started majoring in telecommunications, thinking I would end up working at a movie production house. Obviously that didn't happen.
Now I'm out of college and at the point in my life where I know things never work out like I planned. Hell, 10 years ago, I thought I was going to be a mechanical engineer. Nothing is going like I hoped. Most of that is due to laziness. I could actually have skills in something if I actually tried. But, I didn't. And that has screwed me in life. I know nothing and have no skill.
The thing is, I'm not that pissed at the direction my life is taking. I believe things can be better, but at the moment, I'm pretty happy. I know for sure I don't want to work for JJs for very long (5 years, max...unless something good happens). I still want to open a bar at some point in my life and hopefully I will and it ends up being successful. Who knows what will happen when I move out to Denver. Who knows who I'll meet, what I'll learn, and where this thing called "life" will take me.
Maybe its a good thing my life didn't turn out like I wanted it too. I'm only in the first quarter of my life though, so who knows what will happen later. Hell, I still want to be a stunt driver for movies. That'd be awesome.
Cheerio
3 years ago, was majoring in hospitality business. I originally tried that because I want to own a bar someday. Then I took a couple of hotel classes and wanted to run a hotel. Once again, thank God I'm not, hotels are a bitch to run.
2 years ago, I started majoring in telecommunications, thinking I would end up working at a movie production house. Obviously that didn't happen.
Now I'm out of college and at the point in my life where I know things never work out like I planned. Hell, 10 years ago, I thought I was going to be a mechanical engineer. Nothing is going like I hoped. Most of that is due to laziness. I could actually have skills in something if I actually tried. But, I didn't. And that has screwed me in life. I know nothing and have no skill.
The thing is, I'm not that pissed at the direction my life is taking. I believe things can be better, but at the moment, I'm pretty happy. I know for sure I don't want to work for JJs for very long (5 years, max...unless something good happens). I still want to open a bar at some point in my life and hopefully I will and it ends up being successful. Who knows what will happen when I move out to Denver. Who knows who I'll meet, what I'll learn, and where this thing called "life" will take me.
Maybe its a good thing my life didn't turn out like I wanted it too. I'm only in the first quarter of my life though, so who knows what will happen later. Hell, I still want to be a stunt driver for movies. That'd be awesome.
Cheerio
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