I'm sick of having to be so correct

also known as "why my major blows, reason number 900765"

So I'm REALLY agitated about this.

I am SO sick of being in a major and in a career that actually decides for me (if I want to be successful) what I wear, how I act, what I do or don't do, how I live my life, etc.

I know that in theory nothing decides who I am except me. But really, I know that basically the way to the top in the arts is to kiss every ass I meet for the next 15 years. And I'm so fucking over it. What if I want to wear clothes that are "inappropriate" for a grad student to wear? What if I want to drink? What if I want a piercing? What if I don't fucking feel like going to your boring ass class? What if I just want to spend my money on bullshit?

This may make me sound very irresponsible. I assure everyone this is not where it comes from.

My entire life I feel like I have worked SO hard to come across as clean, and polite, and like good little Marky. Part of it has been to keep my parents happy, but otherwise it's just this burden that I feel like the "real world" has placed on me. And I got news for you - I've seen my career path, and it lies FAR outside the realm of the "real world". I want to buy a shirt from Baked (a sweet ass cookie store around here) that says "I get Baked before class". That shit is hilarious. But I feel like I'm literally FIGHTING against my sense of reason, which tells me that if I'm wearing that shirt around campus and see a music professor, I could cause a fucking HUGE issue. It just makes me so FUCKING mad.

I have had to work very hard in figuring out who I am, and I still have so far to go. I do not want to be defined by what I do professionally. I fucking HATE singers. they are cocky, annoying, and don't know what to do besides talk about themselves or bring up annoying music-related subject matter. And you know what I realized? I don't care. I don't care what you have to say. I don't care who you met over the summer. I don't care what aria you're working on. I just want you to stop talking to me so I can put my earbuds back in and keep listening to my psychedelic music.

What makes me even angrier is when I was talking to someone in choir about the Umphrey's concert who said "Is that one of your crazy bands you listen to? I gave up on trying to do that a long time ago."

seriously?

I have seen peers and professionals perform. NUMEROUS times. Some are very talented, others not so. But I can very honestly and confidently say that the musicians in Umphrey's McGee are among the greatest I have ever seen in my life. If you can't sit down and judge every piece of music for its artistic merit, if you think that one type of music is the only one which is legitimate, I feel sorry for you. And there's a good reason why I'm always told that my performances are so musical - because I have experienced SO many different types of music, and I still feel like there's so much out there still to hear. Every piece of music I have heard has added something to my ideas about how to perform, be it things to bring out, or things to avoid. If you only listen to opera, chances are your performing will be just like everybody else's. And that's not the way to rise to the top.

Some people think they've got it all figured out. And maybe for them, that's all they need. But I have realized over the past 5 years or so that there is SO MUCH MORE to the world than I ever imagined. I want to finish up my degree, but after that, for god's sake, I want to be able to LIVE a little bit. It's stressful not having money. And I'd really like to be able to pay off my loans. But there are parts of me that are so fucking angry that I bothered to go to grad school. I should have waited. I should have sat and really thought about what I wanted, rather than rushing into what seemed like a good idea.

Don't get me wrong, everyone. I love singing. I really like IU. I have a wonderful boyfriend who I love and who loves me. I don't feel like I'm in the wrong place or situation. I just feel like some of the circumstances are off.

And by circumstances, I mean people.

to bring this all full circle, I will say this. I'm gonna get a gym membership over break and work off the rest of my gut. Maybe buy some tight-ass low rise gay jeans. Or a completely inappropriate shirt. I just don't care about making those impressions anymore. I'm tired of trying to look pleasant. I'd rather risk having someone think I look tacky for the possibility of someone seeing me and remembering me the next time they pass me on campus.

FUCK EVERYONE RAWR!!!







on another note, I really gotta run tomorrow. that rant got a little intense there - gotta let off some steam evidently