Black Sheep

So break's been weird. And it's my fault.

I'm totally like the black sheep of the family, and they don't seem to get that. That might sound kinda weird, so let me explain. My family is perfect. Smart, dedicated, talented, whatever. My parents are well off, my sister just got married and everything. My dad drinks, but not all that often honestly, and no one in my family smokes, or really ever did drugs. So being around them is kinda like trying to live a double life. And what's worse is I'm not comfortable talking to my parents about Ben, especially since Sian's married now. I don't even know if they understand what my life as a gay man is like, or will be when I'm older. Would my grandma put up a picture of me and my husband (or whatever) up next to my mom's, sister's, aunt's and uncle's wedding pictures if I got married, or at least had a commitment ceremony? It's hard to tell. I know they are supportive of me, but I just don't really know how I fit in. I just want a fucking cigarette, and to get back to where I'm with my friends where I don't feel like I constantly have to hide things.

It makes me so upset that I feel like this on Christmas Eve. I miss my boyfriend so much it hurts, and every minute that passes while I'm alone at my house is another minute I'm wasting because I'm not seeing any of my friends. I'm not very happy right now, and I don't know what to do about it (although there's a big part of me that's tempted to take a year off, but I don't really even feel like that's an option at this point.

I just don't know.

Regardless, Merry Christmas to all, and much love