Fuck You Illinois Highway System!

So last night I was driving down here to Champaign, on the same route I took about a month ago. It started out raining, kinda slowed me down due to traffic, but I was still doing decent time. Then the rain stopped and I started flying. Things are looking up at that point. I drive a little bit more and finally reach I-80...that's when my anger meter exploded and my happy meter took a coffee break to fuck that 60 year old prostitute with the clap and hep B, without a condom. Anyways, I-80 was CLOSED! All 5 lanes! So they horded us to the next exit in some huge clusterfuck (yay, blog!) of a mess and got onto whatever fucking highway I was on. I didn't know where to go because THERE WERE NO FUCKING DETOUR SIGNS! So I decided to turn around and maybe get back onto I-80. Boy was I wrong. I had to turn around again and start from the back of the line I was already in. Oh boy, it's not finished yet.

So I jump on I-90 where there was one detour sign. Drive on it for a while, because, luckily, I had a Michigan map with the freeways for the upper part of Illinois and I see that I-90 hits I-57, which is what I needed. Miles and miles go by and no exit...for anything. Next thing I know, I'm on a toll road. Drive some more and still no exit or signage, nothing. Guess what, I hit ANOTHER toll road (this one $3). So at this point...I'M IN FUCKING CHICAGO! I need to be at least 120 miles south of that. Finally I hit an exit, turn around and book it out of that fucking place, pissed off beyond belief. Guess what, I find I-57 like 10 miles from there and jump on it. At this point, I'm on hour 6 of a 5 hour car ride, with another hour and a half left. Finally I arrived at the hotel, after driving at least 40 miles out of my way.

Thanks, Illinois. Fuck you too!

Someone else's Dark Knight review

Everyone out there, including myself, has praised this movie (although I have not taken the time to do a full on review, I usually leave that to Hock) but this guy gave the movie an F. Really? An F makes me want to laugh in your face. This guy obviously has a different taste in movies, for God's sake he gave Vantage Point a "B" and that was a horrid movie. Do me a favor guy, I know you waited in line and sat in a sold out movie theater but wanting to fall asleep within the first hour? Come on. Don't take this movie down with you in your bid to try and prove that the shitty movies are good and the great ones are bad, that seems to be what you've done on your reviews thus far. You want further proof? He gave the Matthew McConaughey movie "Failure to Launch" an A+. Yeah, nothing he is in deserves an C, let alone an A+.

That's my venting for the day, I'm sure this guy will also badmouth Harry Potter once that comes out too. Just a ray of sunshine you are bucko.

I return to the blog upset and annoyed

This is not a typical post that you think would be something to do with myself having an issue personally. No, it is not that. I just watched "Deal or No Deal" because once it is on I cannot stop watching it....plus it was an episode with a bunch of NFL players and a guy wearing a Peyton Manning jersey, so naturally.

I know what you're thinking...how could you be annoyed at that? You'd think you'd be in heaven right? Oh no. I am all for the sanctity of marriage and hope to be happily wed one day but if she does to me what this chick did to him I will slit her Achilles. Get this...

He still has the $750,000 and $1 million case left but he has been offered the following...

- A fully loaded 2008 GMAC Denali w/ full tailgating equipment (chairs, tables, coolers)
- 4 season tickets to his favorite NFL team
- Tickets to practice sessions (on the field)
- Sideline passes to several of the games as well
- A private backstage tour of NFL Network studios
- Two footballs signed by the World Champion Indianapolis Colts
- Honorary captain of one game where he also throws out the game ball (which they don't normally do in football)
- Tickets to Super Bowl 42 as well as the SB 42 concert series...all expenses paid
--Now this much is worth approx. $66,000 right now...but there's more--
-$50,000 to top it off

GRAND TOTAL: $166,000

If you were me, you would stroke out and I would kiss Howie Mandel and that creepy banker. There are so many of these things that are once in a lifetime. Oh, but did I mention...he's married? She gave him the look of death and asked "Will this money get you out of your student debts so we can live comfortably?" To this I replied: "OH SCREW YOU BITCH!"

My mom asked me if I would take that prize and within a split second after "Would you" I said "You bet your ass!" $50,000 is nothing to shake your stick at. What did he do? She looked at him with those deadly eyes and he said "No deal" to which I felt like I just got kicked in the balls and I'm sure it felt much worse for him. He about fainted when he heard the prize being offered, he had to sit down!

My point is...God how I would make her sleep on the couch or slap the biatch. He ended up taking a $194,000 deal when he had the $1 million in his case on the table but I digress. Yes, I know that a million bucks is a million bucks but how many of those things listed above are once in a lifetime to someone who treasures the game of football as many of us do. Priceless gifts only the NFL could give. But no, she wants them both to be happy and live comfortably and I understand that...and he may be in her good graces but I'll damn sure tell you that she is not in his. Oh how upset I was....ah...feel better already.

hmm

So I just interviewed for an assistantship.

and I made a total ass of myself.

So, long story short, there's a VERY HIGH chance that I may not go to school next year. I'm sick of classes, and singers, and always being nervous about the fact that I (OH MY GOD) like to party. I absolutely love my friends here (even though I still miss you all like crazy) and I would be quite happy just working and making some money to pay off these loans. I'll still take voice lessons and all, but seriously, I'm so fucking over school. Also I'm bored like all the time because it doesn't take up enough of my life. I'm sick of feeling like I'm just sitting around waiting until Ben and his friends are available before I can do anything besides sit at home by myself and watch tv. It's not healthy. And speaking of which, I'm such a codependent mess that I feel depressed whenever I CAN'T hang out with him. I just don't know what to do - if he were to break up with me (which I don't think would happen but still) I would lose basically my entire group of friends. I don't know what to do.

I miss you guys

Black Sheep

So break's been weird. And it's my fault.

I'm totally like the black sheep of the family, and they don't seem to get that. That might sound kinda weird, so let me explain. My family is perfect. Smart, dedicated, talented, whatever. My parents are well off, my sister just got married and everything. My dad drinks, but not all that often honestly, and no one in my family smokes, or really ever did drugs. So being around them is kinda like trying to live a double life. And what's worse is I'm not comfortable talking to my parents about Ben, especially since Sian's married now. I don't even know if they understand what my life as a gay man is like, or will be when I'm older. Would my grandma put up a picture of me and my husband (or whatever) up next to my mom's, sister's, aunt's and uncle's wedding pictures if I got married, or at least had a commitment ceremony? It's hard to tell. I know they are supportive of me, but I just don't really know how I fit in. I just want a fucking cigarette, and to get back to where I'm with my friends where I don't feel like I constantly have to hide things.

It makes me so upset that I feel like this on Christmas Eve. I miss my boyfriend so much it hurts, and every minute that passes while I'm alone at my house is another minute I'm wasting because I'm not seeing any of my friends. I'm not very happy right now, and I don't know what to do about it (although there's a big part of me that's tempted to take a year off, but I don't really even feel like that's an option at this point.

I just don't know.

Regardless, Merry Christmas to all, and much love

meh

I'm in a bad mood.

Here is why. I decided (as many gay men are forced to do) to join a dating site. Which has been fine, I've actually met a couple cool guys. But the fact of the matter is the more time that goes on in my life, the less I feel like explaining who I am and where I've come from to someone. and I really need to start going to the gym again (now that boheme is calming down) because not going just makes me feel shitty about myself. I know they say that you meet people when you stop looking. But I don't think I'll meet anyone if I stop looking. It certainly hasn't worked all that well in the past. And it's not like I have a social outlet in which to meet said people. And I'm an old boring grad student. I'm sick of hooking up with people and having it not mean anything (not that I do it super often, but certainly more often than I find guys that I'm interested in actually dating, or who are interested in dating me). At the risk of sounding cliche, I want someone to love. I don't even have all of my wonderful friends around me anymore to direct my love towards.

blah.

sorry. 1001 turned out not to be nearly as fun as 1000

Can we NOT go there Kiznox?

I don't care if you have different ideals than Rambo - I've been aware of the fact that the two of you agree on, well... nothing... for the entire time I've known you both. I don't believe that this blog is here to berate each other. I'm torn between both of your opinions on this matter being both a regular church goer and an adamant agnostic. But to be fair I held my tongue when you wrote your terribly chauvinistic post about breast feeding because we are entitled to our OPINIONS. Just because you disagree, does not make it incorrect. I love this blog because it makes me feel like we're still all close together. If you want to, talk about your own opinions on the subject (I promise I will not judge). Don't just talk about how his beliefs imply that he has wasted his life. Religion can help a great many people find meaning and hope - that may not be the case for me, but it's what has made many people live reasonably good lives for the last 5000 years. Some people don't need it - some do. that does not make any difference as long as the end result is a positive one.

And so I'm inviting you. Write your next post about what I'm sure this will make you want to. I love you despite of our disagreements. Show me that you want to be a journalist, not that you want to be disagreeable!

RAWR!!!

COTTONMOUTH IS AGGRESSIVE.
And kinda horny now, strangely enough. That's weird

Billboard Hot 100

I did it. I read the Billboard Hot 100. I knew I wasn't gonna like it. But I didn't realize it would be this bad:

The top 10:
1
Soulja Boy Tell'em
Crank That (Soulja Boy)

2
Kanye West
Stronger

3
Timbaland Featuring Keri Hilson
The Way I Are

4
Fergie
Big Girls Don't Cry

5
J. Holiday
Bed

6
50 Cent Featuring Justin Timberlake & Timbaland
Ayo Technology

7
Keyshia Cole Featuring Missy Elliott & Lil Kim
Let It Go

8
Nickelback
Rockstar

9
Pink
Who Knew

10
Colbie Caillat
Bubbly

Really?

REALLY?

I mean... Is the only rock song in the top 10 most popular REALLY by Nickelback? And the other leaders. Pink. Kanye West. Fergie with Big Girls Don't Cry. At number four. THAT SONG HAS EVIDENTLY BEEN IN THE TOP 100 FOR 23 WEEKS. THAT'S THREE WEEKS SHORT OF HALF OF A FUCKING YEAR. And Carrie Underwood has been on the chart for 56 weeks.

There's a part of me that feels like I'm going to vomit. like every part of it.

I hate pop culture. I hate it. I want to go to a frat-asshole/sorostitute heavy bar with a baseball bat and start going to town. And I don't mean hitting groundballs. I mean beating the life out of everyone I see. In a blind rage. Screaming "YOU HAVE BAD MUSIC TASTE. YOU DON'T EVEN BUMP AND GRIND TO LEGITIMATE MUSIC. I HOPE THEY HAVE NOTHING BUT BADLY SUNG OPERA WAITING FOR YOU IN HELL YOU UNCULTURED BASTARDS AND BITCHES"

Call me closed minded. Call me a bastard. I dance at those bars too. but for CHRIST SAKE there is BETTER MUSIC OUT THERE. Have your guilty pleasures. But realize that there are better things out there. So I can sleep at night...

RRRRAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Someone, Please Think of the Children!

So, apparently friends shouldn't be roommates. Well, at least not when both of them are hard-headed assholes. Why is it so hard to accept another's opinion? Fuck you guys. Why is it so hard to get along? This is not fair.

Callbacks

Well I got called back for the part I tried out for. I'm not feeling like I have much of a shot because I (and I quote the opera director) "look like I'm sixteen." Sian was making it out like it was a really big deal, and it is great, but frankly there's probably at least as many parts as there are baritones who tried out for them this year, and I'm the only one who got called back who already sang the aria. So obviously I was called back because they have doubts, not because they're encouraged.

Also I jacked up my knee at work today and am limping everywhere.

:(

I hope this allays your homophobia fears, Rambo

Yeah... That free press article is complete trash. The fact that it is the most popular free press article online is embarassing. And yes, Rambo, you're right. It seems like the article is simply a way to link the gay community specifically to Harrington - even the headline "Gay fans back Joey Harrington in Atlanta" has implications that could be misconstrued if one did not read the article (of course, the Free Press will deny this because they specifically mention he is married in the article).

Outsports is a web magazine designed for homosexuals who also enjoy sports, gay athletes, and the ways in which the gay community and sports community work together. If anything, the free press article offends me as a gay man. What exactly are they trying to imply? I've got news for you - a lot of athletes are really hot. And a lot of gay men like athletic guys.

Therefore...

Gay men are likely to find a good looking football player attractive, and support them, no matter who it is. Would you ever write an article about how women find a new addition to a team attractive and give him their support? No. You wouldn't. And why? Here lies the very core of homophobia:

Because when women find a good looking guy attractive, it's more "normal."

Seriously. I'm not a big sports fan, but I watch with friends, and daresay, when I am (and I'm actually paying attention) I get really into it (none of you have ever been around me during a World Cup game when England is playing... it can get a little intense). And yes, considering I am ATTRACTED TO MEN I notice when they are good looking. Does the free press really think that the number of male viewers of tennis matches increases when Anna Kournikova is playing because they admire her skill and technique?

What's even more infuriating to me? The entire article portrays homosexuals as the bad stereotype people think of them as, instead of in the way that Outsports wants them to be viewed. The people they quote essentially say "Gays like football now because we want to stare at the hot guys." Anyone who remembers my ex-bf Spencer will agree with me when I say it is not impossible for a gay man to be your normal, athletic, jock-ish guy.

The whole article is just a way to falsely sensationalize a topic that is not news.

and for fuck's sake do you blame gays (and probably a great deal of women) for finding him attractive? I think he's a good looking guy, he's a jazz pianist in his free time, and he apparently is very charming in interviews - what's not to like about that? But that does not mean I'm all of the sudden going to become an Atlanta Falcons fan in order to grab a chance to get a peek at him from 500 ft away in the nosebleed section of the stadium.

What the fuck?

So I want a new tv. 24". Maybe with two, or even three inputs if possible. Round screen. Nothing too fancy (haha, umphrey's song title... ahem, anyway).

They do not MAKE tvs like that anymore. My other options? Spend 350 fucking dollars on a flat screen. It's a fucking 24 inch tv, and I am a struggling college student... I mean are you serious? I did manage to find one, but it's still 200 dollars, and more than what I need it for. It fucking pisses me off.

On a happier note, I got my loan refund, so I'm no longer living in poverty. It's not much after I paid off a few thou on my credit card, but it helps

I would like...

...to punch a baby.

You heard me.

I'm feeling unnecessarily aggressive, angry, and annoyed, and I would like to punch a baby.

I don't see any way to get over this feeling except for to:

a) Destroy something fragile while yelling out some sort of primal scream

b) Hurt someone physically

Why do I feel this way?

I hate it here.

I have one or two moments in my school week in which I do not feel like I am being patronized by teachers or colleagues.

I live in a building with a stupid redneck family with screaming bratty children. The other people in the building are deathly quiet. I have stopped caring if playing music loudly with the bass up will annoy people during the day. If they're pissed off, they can come bug me. Fuck them.

My car is broken down, so even if I managed to make some friends, I can't go see them without asking for a ride or bugging my sister. I also cant drive myself to the gym to weight lift away my anger.

I miss my old life, and my old friends. And yet I know that the likelihood of me ever seeing anyone has dropped exponentially since I moved. I don't have the money, the means, or the time to visit home. And frankly, I'm not really enough of a reason to drive four and a half fucking hours through goddam Indiana on a regular basis. I would say I'll be lucky if I get visitors more than twice a semester

It is hot

It's really hot outside. And I don't just mean uncomfortable. I mean it feels like a great fissure opened somewhere in Southern Indiana and allowed the fires of hell to heat the surrounding areas. It's been in the high 90s-mid 100s this entire week. Apparently it's supposed to drop to the 80s this weekend. Thank God. I really don't know how much more of this I can deal with.

It doesn't really matter how far we come...

I really think that society is destined to hate homosexuality forever. Call me a pessimist, but I read a lot of things today, some of them off color jokes, some of them short funny references, some of them blatant homophobia. The fact of the matter is, it will never be normal in people's eyes. Why the fuck would I want to get married if I'm pretty sure I'll still be berated by neighbors for being "the gay couple".

It really fuckin pisses me off - we're not making progress, we're just making insulting homosexuals more mainstream.

In other news, I'm still lonely. Go figure. IU sucks so far.

Wedding Blues

So obviously I'm really pumped for my sis's wedding - it's gonna be a blast.

But honestly I'm a little aggravated that my mom just told me that their idea to buy me a desk is now on hold til christmas because they spent all of their money on her wedding. I realize that weddings are very expensive, and I would not expect that they would spare any expense for hers, but my mom basically told me "the vacuum cleaner, toaster, kettle and microwave I got you basically cleaned us out."

I don't know if my mom has ever met me before, but I would MUCH rather have a desk that I could use so my spare room didn't look like a trash heap as opposed to having numerous appliances that I will probably not use very much. She bought me a bunch of stuff that I didn't really need because she just kept mentioning it to me. If I had realized that they were strapped for cash, I wouldn't have asked for them. Because frankly, I'm pretty much flat broke right now, and if something goes really wrong with my loan or anything, I'm up shit creek without a paddle because I officially have nowhere to turn.

I've never really understood the whole obsession with spending so much money on celebrations. With a growing number of couples splitting up these days, you'd think we'd move away from spending thousands upon thousands of dollars for one night. It's the same thing with grad parties - outside of this country they don't understand graduation parties. "Congratulations! You were competent enough to complete secondary education!"

I get a little aggravated with the whole wedding situation anyway, because I wish my sister would stop talking to me about it like I'll go through the same thing at some point. Of course my parents will give her anything she wants for it, because as much as I'm sure my mom doesn't want to think about it, it's the last time that our family is going to have to worry about a wedding to pay for.

This Really Irks Me...Like, A Lot

So, I don't smoke [cigarettes]. Like ever. Smoking them makes me want to rip out my esophagus and strangle myself to death with it. But I am very lenient when it comes to my friends smoking, especially in my car. I let my friends smoke in my car, as long as they try to keep most of it outside and try not to burn anything (burn it and buy it sort of thing). Ok, I'm fine with that. I just find it very rude that when some of my friends smoke in my car they roll up the window while blowing out the last bit of smoke. THIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE! I don't know if they can smell cigarette smoke anymore, but I can smell it like it's being blasted straight into my nostrils. So please, if you have an ounce of kindness in your body, keep the fucking window rolled down until the fucking smell is out of my car!

Quick Venting

So I'm about to head to Lansing to visit my supposed boyfriend for basicaly the last time who has not even made the slightest effort to contact me in over two weeks. I know it'll be good to have a good ending point between us, but seriously why I should drive an hour and a half to see him is completely beyond me.

I'm attempting to not have too many posts like this but sometimes you just gotta vent
grr