FML

Haven't been here for a while, so why not come back with some good old fashioned complaining.

Since I quit my job, I have been a complete waste of space. All I have done is smoke pot, go to the bar, watch movie (sometimes the same one within a 24 hour period), and play video games. I should be happy with doing nothing. But I am not. I have no real interaction with the outside world. I've basically locked myself in my apartment. Quite frankly, I'm getting bored. I want a job right now to cure that boredom.

To make matters worse, I totally could of had sex with this chick last night, but then something happened. She just disappeared. No clue where she went or why she left. I also don't remember her name, oops. But I guess that's not important now. So instead I decided to pass out on the couch only to wake up with a shitty hangover. Great consolation prize.

When I was walking back to my car, the girl who spoke to me about a job interview called me. She said that I missed my interview this morning. The thing is, she told me Tuesday. Then she asked if I would like to reschedule. Since I should have an interview already scheduled for Tuesday, I was surprised when she asked me that. So, my original interview got pushed back a half hour. That was odd. I want the job because I need something, but at the same time I know nothing about this company...

Strange.

Used to be alright...

...what happened? et cetera, et cetera

I don't want to go back to bloomington tomorrow. I don't ever want to go back there. I feel like things are gonna get really bad really soon. I can't imagine Pat and I are gonna be together much longer considering there's no time in the next few months I'm gonna be up here again. and honestly, he doesn't need me in the same way I need him - he's got a close group of friends nearby, multiple hobbies, plenty of things on his plate. I know he likes me just as much as I like him, but I just don't think he has a chance to be so agonized about the distance and lack of contact that I do. I have an empty apartment that I sit in most days for hours in silence praying that Doug will get home soon so there's at least someone there with me. Not to mention the fact that I'm just waiting for the day he decides to move out, just like everyone else did, except Mike. I have no money, and I have nothing to do ever. I try to make friends, but no one ever calls, and the few numbers I have in my phonebook are of people who already have their own groups to hang out with. No one needs me. No one relies on me for anything. I just want someone to hug or curl up with. I don't even know what I like anymore. Food all tastes the same. Nothing makes me happy. Nothing makes me laugh (except sometimes my friends at work). I just sit watching tv waiting for the world to end while Doug listens to his headphones. Even music hasn't been appealing to me recently. I just don't care anymore about anything. I have no reason to. I talked to my mom about moving to Chicago and she aptly pointed out that I should probably move in with my uncle since I have no money for rent and don't have any prospective roommates. Just what I've always wanted. Moving in with my bachelor uncle who I don't even think knows that I'm gay.
I guess that's about it. fuck my life

Fuck this Fan...

I, officially, own the worst fan ever built.

This fucking thing is on full blast. I am sitting less that 2 feet from it. The bastard is strategically aimed at my face. The weather is oppressively humid. Steamy. Ridiculous. And I am nearing the point where I would turn on the a/c if I didnt hate a/c so goddamn much. Yet I feel no wind. My shirt does not flow in any sort of breeze like the thousands of hair product commercials I have seen. No monumental comfort that a fan would yield in this weather. It would seem that this electronic is taunting me.

The fan still faces me, full blast, spinning, whirring, making a horribly loud hum, doing absolutely nothing beneficial for me.

Fuck you, fan.

You are a waste of energy. And, quite possibly, a demon.

Dear Hidden Valley

I've seen your recent commercials - you know "there's this magical wonderful place where kids eat their vegetables, and even like them!"
While I recognize that it is often difficult to get a regular amount of vegetables in a child's diet, do you really think it's better to have them eat vegetables but also add THAT MUCH to their fat intake at the same time? They may as well be eating french fries. Throwing a bunch of fat-filled sauce on vegetables will NOT make your child healthier. I have NO issues with Ranch dressing - I like it as much as the next guy - but at a certain point you realize that "wow dipping everything in ranch means that just from the ranch I've received all of my daily calorie, sodium, and fat intake."
And I have news for you: kids in hidden valley don't love vegetables. They love ranch. And if you spread enough ranch on it, even a pile of dog crap would be palatable.

COTTONMOUTH OUT!

Internet and time

I got the internets working and the time to type something, so here it goes

Hold on. I know I have something to say.


No...wait...oh, damn, I got nothing really.


Wolverine was a decent movie, but the special effects on the claws were laughable. LAUGHABLY BAD! That is inexcusable in today's world where special effects are beyond spectacular. This movie had a huge budget, yet the claws looked 1000 times better in the first Xmen movie, which came out 9 years ago! The rest of the movie was pretty decent though, despite the 107 minute run time.

Star Trek on the other hand, was PHENOMENAL! I was never a fan of Star Trek, but this movie is definitely a winner. It is a re-imagining of the original story, with a shit-ton more action and a good script. This movie may win over those (like myself) who previously hated the series, and with good reason. This movie rocks! Everyone played their parts exceptionally well. I didn't even know Eric Bana was the bad guy, Nero. I suggest everyone sees it, especially you Claudio. I know it'll make you go from 6 to midnight.

I am super excited for Terminator Salvation

I still hate my job

I also hate Sports Center's Top 10 not listing Jiri Hudler's goal from yesterday's Red Wings game anywhere in there. He slapped the puck out of the air for a goal. I don't watch SC very often, so if it's the Top 10 from today only, then that's just stupid. Fuck you, fuckers

Why is it that when I get deja vu, its always something stupid and insignificant? Why can't I get deja vu when I'm getting a BJ or something better?

Well, its time to sleep so I can get up for another day of bullshit

Excuse me for Diarizing this blog...

So I just have to turn this into a diary for a few minutes, I promise it won't happen too often.
I hope everyone had a great valentine's day. Mine had its moments. Namely that I took mushrooms by myself and watched the sts9 DVD alone in my apartment. It was a lot of fun, a very different experience, but nonetheless well worth it. I did this because, well, frankly, like every V-day before this, I didn't have anyone to celebrate with. You all know who I would have WANTED as a valentine, but yeah a 6 hour drive is a real bitch, and until yesterday I was convinced that I had pushed him away from me by being too eager. I debated calling Pat a bunch of times, but I ultimately decided that calling him tripping at 8pm would probably not have been an effective way to test the waters. So of course I wake up this morning with two voicemails from him, drunk as a skunk, sounding very sad and lonely, talking about how much it sucks being at a party where everyone is coupled up together and how he wishes I was there, and that he wished he had made more of a move when I was up a few weeks ago, and that he wishes that he could spend time with me every day, and several other general "I'm sorry I suck at this and I miss you" kind of comments. It was really nice to hear from him and to know that somewhere out there I had someone who wanted me to be their valentine, but I wish more than anything I had been awake when he called so I could have talked to him instead of him being so disappointed. This is what sucks about having someone who has trouble expressing his feelings until he's drunk at 3:30 in the morning. I'll take the small triumphs though, we'll just have to wait and see what happens when

So yeah, I don't know what the point of me writing this is. I'm a big girl, I just needed to get this off my chest. Add this to the list of reasons why I hate Indiana and wish I was still within spitting distance of my friends. Things down here are... well... tense, at best. Adrianne is convinced I hate her because apparently I'm the worst roommate who ever lived (hence why about everyone I've lived with has though that for at least some portion of the time we lived together). She got home as we were starting to watch nick and nora for a second time last night, and then proceeded to get completely miffed and pissy and passive aggressive with me because I wanted to (surprise surprise) WATCH the movie I had put on, rather than hear her recant the newest story about what happened at work. And now I'm the bad guy, because shame on me for trying to find something to pass my time while I'm sitting alone at home and she's off driving around and smoking for hours at a time, and then not dropping everything to listen to her the second she walks in the door. Call me an asshole, I know she's not doing all that well right now, but for god's sake I can't base my life around trying to satisfy her. Couple this with the fact that Jessy's still fucking around with Mental Abuse McPillPopper all the fucking time, leaving me to hang out with Doug and try to keep him motivated and happy enough to not die of depression. Which is fine, he's one of my close friends. But again, what can I say to him without saying "frankly, your girlfriend's been acting like a cunt bitch to you and all of us and nothing is going to get better until she dumps you or him." Polyamory does not mean you compromise every relationship in an effort to do what you want - the only way it will work is if you find people who can live harmoniously with one another in a mutually dependent relationship. Zack, on the other hand, freaks out and starts yelling and screaming if he even stops by the pub and notices Doug smoking a cigarette outside, saying that "it's him all the time, blah blah blah". I'm just over it. We all are. The situation is terrible, but Jess is not willing to acknowledge that she's the only one who has it in her power to make anything better, because that means she'll have to make a sacrifice for someone, which god knows is not her forte. I don't mean to bad mouth her, she is one of my closest friends down here, but I'm tired of the yelling, and the aggression, and the tears, and the constant feeling that the only reason why my friends down here haven't completely gone off the deep end is because I'm constantly playing devil's advocate.

Essentially, I've been really lonely recently. Doug said to me that if I'm having any problems, I'm certainly doing the best job of hiding them. And he's right, I am. Nobody asks me how I'm doing. If I even mention Pat around Jessy she makes some annoyed look at me saying "really? him?" - as if you have any room to judge you fucking hypocrite, I hold my tongue when Zack is around because that's what I have to do in order to not push you away. I'm starting to try to make some new friends, in the music school, around town, but it's not the same. I don't want to date anyone right now, but it doesn't change the fact that my bed just feels too big for one person.

I'm looking forward to coming up to sing in two weeks, don't forget, Sunday, March 1st in Mason, MI. I'll hopefully see a lot of you then, I can't imagine it's gonna be the single most inspiring performance you've seen in your lives, but it should be alright. The Umph concert(s) is(are) still up in the air for me because it really depends on my rehearsal schedule and how much I can get out of, but the good news is I have a quad and an eighth of fungus left and there's more where that came from. I'll provide the chemical amusement aids for that evening.

Much love, and I'll see you in a few weeks.
-Cottonmouth Out

Snow Day

or The Day My Inner Child Died

So school is cancelled until noon at IU (for now - maybe longer). The roads are a disaster. At 6:00 this morning there was already a death from a car accident announced on the radio south of town. So yeah. The pros? I don't have to do my french homework, and I can keep my laundry moving. The cons? I have 15 FUCKING HEARINGS i have to reschedule now before I leave tomorrow night. If my students all say they can't do a hearing this afternoon, I'm going to be one bitchy ass muthafucka with them this semester. Goddam kids. Because 15 hearings at 10 minutes a pop is a lot of shit I have to add to my day.
Snow days used to be magical. Now they're a pain in my crotchety old ass. If they cancel school this afternoon I'm gonna flip a bitch. I'll keep y'all posted, but I might be just a tad later than I planned on Thursday. We'll see.
-Cottonmouth out
p.s. I watched the movie "Go" this week. Twice. LOVED IT. Admittedly, it was much better when I was high the second time. And I wanted more gay action (not even a kiss? come on. I sat through all the scenes with the big bouncy titties (which were decidedly nice, in my estimation), and the gay couple didn't even make out)

I like to title my posts like Emo bands like to title their songs...you know, it has nothing to do with what the actual post is about. Anyways,

It's Another Block of Movies Time presented by viewer's like you. It has been just under two months and I have seen fifty more movies. Some good, some really good, and some very bad (in an order that is pretty close to how much I like them, comparatively).

Really Good
Zack and Miri Make a Porno, Role Models, Ed Wood, Lords of Dogtown, After Sex, Eagle Eye, Bickford Schmeckler's Cool Ideas, Hamlet 2, Vanilla Sky, Bolt 3-D, The Oh! in Ohio,

Comments: Zack and Miri and Role Models are definite hits, but I think I would only see Bolt if it was in 3-D. Hamlet 2 dragged in the first half, but really got me laughing with the performance. After Sex = hot Mila Kunis girl/girl action part.

Good
Be Cool, The House Bunny, The Big White, Diggers, O Brother, Where Art Thou?, King of California, Clay Pigeons, Flashbacks of a Fool, Kids in America, How to Lose Friends and Alienate People, I Could Never Be Your Woman, Layer Cake, Hard Rain, Event Horizon, Saw V, My Best Friend's Girl, Harold, Swordfish, Rent, Cube

Comments: There were a bunch of movies that didn't quite make it because they only had "moments": Harold, My Best Friend'd Girl, I Could Never Be Your Woman (mostly from Paul Rudd), etc. I would definitely recommend the first 5 or 6 movies, though.

Not So Bad

Sweet November, Employee of the Month, The Holiday, The Promotion, Bladerunner, The Pagemaster, Radio Flyer, Hollywoodland, The Hammer

Comments: All of these movies only had their moments. You would have thought with John C. Reilly and Sean William Scott in The Promotion it would have been funny, but it was just boring at times.

Bad
The Black Dahlia, The Pink Panther, Journey to the Center of the Earth, Mad Money, Over Her Dead Body, The Mutant Chronicles, Postal, The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor, Fly Me to the Moon, Soap Dish

Comments: These aren't really worth any time. Here's why: The Black Dahlia is just terrible and confusing, Journey to the... has parts in it that are physically impossible and scientifically inaccurate, and maybe Fly Me to the Moon would have been better in 3-D, but it was so not funny I will never know.

I'm outie 5000!

What's worst than shoving a rabid howler monkey in your belly button and having it eat its way out your ear?

That would be rush hour traffic. I have seen the evil and torture that is rush hour. Sure, I have been in it before, but today it really irked me. I was on a 4 lane highway. 4 FUCKING LANES! For some reason, the 2 left most lanes actually stopped! I can see the far right stopping from the abundance of people getting on the freeway via the multiple on-ramps, but that's their fault for being in that lane if they have to stop. I can also see the middle right lane stopping, or slowing down tremendously to let others merge. But the left lanes? Seriously?! If people knew how to keep moving without freaking out and hitting everyone, then rush hour would just be normal traffic. I was in and out of lanes for a while, cruising at 70. Its totally possible to drive fucking normally during rush hour, but when you put 1000s of dumbasses on the road at once you get the single biggest headache of the day. God damn, most of them are women.

My scientific and very credible opinion has me estimating that 80 percent of drivers on the road are not worthy of a driver's license. But since the economy relies on car purchases, crashes (insurance premiums), and gas (all you do is waste it in rush hour), you won't see those people off the road anytime soon.

If there was just more common sense to go around, i'd probably only be 5% less pissed off. Fucking women, Asians, black people, and dickheads in SUVs.

FUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKKK!

Fuck You, Beyonce

So tonight, when we were closing, I heard the song "If I Were A Boy" (something like that) by Beyonce. All I gotta say is Fuck you, Beyonce! She's a man hater. Some of the lines in that song include, "I'd listen to her, because I know how it hurts" and "I'd put myself first, and make up the rules as I go." Shut the fuck up, bitch! I used to like this girl too. She was smokin'. But this song makes me just despise her. She's stereotyping-man hating. That's the worst kind. Piss off, slut.

Fuck You, Comerica!

Why can't you have a fucking branch in Illinois?! It is making it a real burden to cash this check that I need to, umm, well...LIVE! I tried Meijer, but it's out of state and won't honor my check. Fuck Meijer! I tried WalMart, but they won't accept it for some reason stupid compatability issue. Fuck WalMart (And not just for that reason)! I went to some loan place around here that came up on a search, on google, for "CHECK CASHING" and they said they don't do that. WTF Google?! Now I have one more option I'm trying tomorrow during my lunch (sacrificing my lunch time) and if it doesn't work, I'm gonna be pissed. Fuck you, Illinois, you're nothing but trouble!

On the Topic of Movies

From what I've read, the next Terminator film will shoot for a PG-13 rating. I think that is complete bullshit! The other 3 Terminator films were all rated R, and they were better for it.

The same was talked about for the new Robocop movie, which needs to have an R rating to be any good. That movie was all about violence and to shoot for anything lower than an R would be nothing less than atrocious.

This brings me to my point. I saw Step-Brothers earlier today. It was pretty hilarious (overall it was meh, but it definitely had its moments). They could only achieve what they did because of an R rating and the movie was better for it. That's what I hope for Hollywood to realize. I hope they ditch the need to make movies to appeal to the masses. I say, FUCK anyone who can't see an R rated movie without guidance. They can wait, or they'll always find a way to see it so it doesn't matter. The sad thing is that shooting for a PG-13 rating ultimately gives studios dollar signs in their eyes because more people pay to see it. I say fuck that, movies make so much money nowadays that there should be a law against making movies that clearly should get a R rating, and shooting for the PG-13 rating. Fuck the masses, lets get movies for adults as they were meant to be seen!

Reason #7937 why the existence of Scientology scares me

http://www.amazon.com/Dianetics-Modern-Science-Mental-Health/dp/088404632X/ref=cm_cr_pr_sims_i


this is the Amazon.com review of Dianetics, giving it a staggering 4.5 stars!!! This intrigued me so I checked it out.

The most recent 6 reviews of the book are all 1 star... And coincidentally, there are only 6 reviews total that gave the book 1 star according to the chart. The three reviews on the front page (all 5 stars) are the "most helpful" reviews - and only 25 out of almost 950 people found the first one helpful. Apparently, scientologists patrol this page reporting any review that gives it a low score, so it will be removed from the website. What you're left with is nothing but the scientologists opinions of the book, which are mostly 5 stars.

This is a cult. This is scary. These are the type of weak-minded people who can cause major harm in the world, whether to themselves, or others.

I try to stay open minded with religions. This is not a religion. It's an abomination that was brought to the world by a man who either had nothing better to do than ruin others lives, or who was out of his mind himself. I suppose if it makes you a good person, whatever. But I'd avoid it like the plague.

not that I'm surprised by this, but it's still pretty scary

That Bowl I Didn't Smoke of that Weed I No Longer Have Must Have Been Delicious...

You read that correctly, and I am super not pleased about the arrangement.

Goodbye, my little green friend. When we first met I was just a wide-eyed young man, sailing lost in a crisp blue ocean searching for pirate treasure. A storm approached from the west with such a fury that tore into my ship, ripping the mast out. The ship, my Righteously Ridiculous Rabi Raft, began to break in twain as the waves continued to crash. Everything went black...
...when I awoke the sun burned white hot into my eyes, I was on an island I had never seen before. But, you know, it is your typical island in the middle of no where; beautiful beaches, coconut trees aplenty, almost constantly active volcano, Wilson, those weird kids from Lord of the Flies chasing after some bullshit green eyed monster, well hidden buried treasure, parrots. That kind of stuff. Oh, and a fully staffed and operational Denny's. But they have some jackass rule about not smoking until 9pm during the week so it doesn't get much business during the day. Oh, and there is a bar. Any bar you want it to be. It doesn't matter which one, just pick and that is what you will see. It's magical...
...when my arch nemesis, Evil Chuck Norris, arrived to see if I was actually dead I showed him just how not dead I was. With my sword. And stabbing. It was pretty intense, actually. He was all, "so it seems you ARE alive." And I was all, "Yep" At which point I stabbed him. I went for the stomach but ended up going through his rib cage, catching a bit of bone on the way through. Then he was all, "FUCK!" And I was all, "Yep." Because that probably fucking hurt. A lot. And then he died and all of his crew asked to be my crew and I said yes. Then I poisoned all of them at dinner. It seemed like a good idea at the time until I realized that captaining a ship fucking sucks if you don't have anyone to captain. At that point I decided that I was totally fucking screwed so I went onto the main deck and asked Poseidon to give me a crew that I could "hang out" with. Poseidon said that would be cool. My crew was fascinating to watch and "hang out" with. They only wanted to sit on couches and listen to/play music and have weirdly fun conversation. The experience was something else, I'll tell you what. People would come up on the main deck and "hang out" for a bit, possibly change the music. Land was nearing...
...Anyway, somebody smoked it.

Basically, what I have learned is that I can no longer hope that if I leave anything on the coffee table it should be there when I return.

But oh, what was on said coffee table?



The saddest bag on the entire planet: An empty bag of hope.

Initially, throats were to be cut. However, I sat down for a cigarette and decided that I would only be amusingly enraged. Here is where it gets a little tricky...what does it mean to be amusingly enraged? Well, my friends, it means that I am still pretty pissed about this but can still laugh about it. Which is good, because I probably will not be upset for very long.

And, upon further review, it is entirely possible that I am upset with no one because I could easily have used it last night without remembering. So yeah, whatever.

*The Italics were added during a wonderful rewrite.

PS-If you can guess the line where I got really stoned you win a prize!

Well, I've Decided to Come Back...

...and post again. The only thing is, I don't have much to talk about right now. At the end of this month I'll be 23 years old. Do you know what that means? I'll be 23, still in school, still not knowing what the fuck I want/need to do with my life, and fucking horny as hell. This sucks. I don't feel like doing much anymore. My rationale for doing things depends on my roommates and not on what I want to do. That is a piss-poor way of living life. Although, I guess I'm better off than these twins.

Well, anyways, my experiment is a success so far. I've been intentionally putting the toilet paper on the bathtub edge (closest spot to the wall where the dispenser is) to see if anyone in this apartment will put forth the effort to take the 10 seconds it takes to change the toilet paper and actually put it on the dispenser. So far its been 3 days since its been changed and I've moved the toilet paper roll back to the tub at least 5 times so far...the laziness continues.

Apparently I can't work on Saturdays without being yelled at. The one time Larz wants to stay up here for a weekend, he gets pissed off that I want to help out my boss (for bargaining power) and make extra money for myself. That's just some selfish bullshit. I can see where he's coming from and I didn't have to take the shift, but damn, if you want to make money in this country you're gonna have to make some sacrifices.

So Larz bought Mass Effect yesterday...I wanted to play that with him...I wanted that to happend with Bioshock too..but he has nothing but time and I actually have to do shit, so more than likely I'll have to go back and play everything over again anyways. That's how this apartment handles things, whatever is the most inefficient way of doing thing is the best way of doing things. I really hope everyone watches him play that game, just so I can make them sit through it again when I play it. Yeah, it may be twisted, but I'm sick of being pushed out of my apartment, so to speak. That might be a little harsh, but I don't really know how else to say it. Basically, for all of ya'll that are going to read this, I want someone to take the tiniest bit of initiative and clean something (bathroom, kitchen floor, vacuum, whatever) and I don't just mean clean up all the random trash that accumulates on the table. That's not cleaning, that's throwing away your trash. That's another thing (and this is no attack, I'm not blaming this on anyone) but I hate our coffee table. It just breeds trash and is an amazing haven for ash. I have a theory that all the nice electronics that I own breaks because no one knows how to take care of a fucking electronic device. I can't even bring this up to anyone because no one ever gives a shit about anything around here. I hope that if I live in this city next year that none of the bills are in my name...fuck that...

I'm sick of having to be so correct

also known as "why my major blows, reason number 900765"

So I'm REALLY agitated about this.

I am SO sick of being in a major and in a career that actually decides for me (if I want to be successful) what I wear, how I act, what I do or don't do, how I live my life, etc.

I know that in theory nothing decides who I am except me. But really, I know that basically the way to the top in the arts is to kiss every ass I meet for the next 15 years. And I'm so fucking over it. What if I want to wear clothes that are "inappropriate" for a grad student to wear? What if I want to drink? What if I want a piercing? What if I don't fucking feel like going to your boring ass class? What if I just want to spend my money on bullshit?

This may make me sound very irresponsible. I assure everyone this is not where it comes from.

My entire life I feel like I have worked SO hard to come across as clean, and polite, and like good little Marky. Part of it has been to keep my parents happy, but otherwise it's just this burden that I feel like the "real world" has placed on me. And I got news for you - I've seen my career path, and it lies FAR outside the realm of the "real world". I want to buy a shirt from Baked (a sweet ass cookie store around here) that says "I get Baked before class". That shit is hilarious. But I feel like I'm literally FIGHTING against my sense of reason, which tells me that if I'm wearing that shirt around campus and see a music professor, I could cause a fucking HUGE issue. It just makes me so FUCKING mad.

I have had to work very hard in figuring out who I am, and I still have so far to go. I do not want to be defined by what I do professionally. I fucking HATE singers. they are cocky, annoying, and don't know what to do besides talk about themselves or bring up annoying music-related subject matter. And you know what I realized? I don't care. I don't care what you have to say. I don't care who you met over the summer. I don't care what aria you're working on. I just want you to stop talking to me so I can put my earbuds back in and keep listening to my psychedelic music.

What makes me even angrier is when I was talking to someone in choir about the Umphrey's concert who said "Is that one of your crazy bands you listen to? I gave up on trying to do that a long time ago."

seriously?

I have seen peers and professionals perform. NUMEROUS times. Some are very talented, others not so. But I can very honestly and confidently say that the musicians in Umphrey's McGee are among the greatest I have ever seen in my life. If you can't sit down and judge every piece of music for its artistic merit, if you think that one type of music is the only one which is legitimate, I feel sorry for you. And there's a good reason why I'm always told that my performances are so musical - because I have experienced SO many different types of music, and I still feel like there's so much out there still to hear. Every piece of music I have heard has added something to my ideas about how to perform, be it things to bring out, or things to avoid. If you only listen to opera, chances are your performing will be just like everybody else's. And that's not the way to rise to the top.

Some people think they've got it all figured out. And maybe for them, that's all they need. But I have realized over the past 5 years or so that there is SO MUCH MORE to the world than I ever imagined. I want to finish up my degree, but after that, for god's sake, I want to be able to LIVE a little bit. It's stressful not having money. And I'd really like to be able to pay off my loans. But there are parts of me that are so fucking angry that I bothered to go to grad school. I should have waited. I should have sat and really thought about what I wanted, rather than rushing into what seemed like a good idea.

Don't get me wrong, everyone. I love singing. I really like IU. I have a wonderful boyfriend who I love and who loves me. I don't feel like I'm in the wrong place or situation. I just feel like some of the circumstances are off.

And by circumstances, I mean people.

to bring this all full circle, I will say this. I'm gonna get a gym membership over break and work off the rest of my gut. Maybe buy some tight-ass low rise gay jeans. Or a completely inappropriate shirt. I just don't care about making those impressions anymore. I'm tired of trying to look pleasant. I'd rather risk having someone think I look tacky for the possibility of someone seeing me and remembering me the next time they pass me on campus.

FUCK EVERYONE RAWR!!!







on another note, I really gotta run tomorrow. that rant got a little intense there - gotta let off some steam evidently

Let the Good Times Roll

I haven't posted in a while, so I'll just go ahead and use this space to tell you how much my life sucks. I am graduating (hopefully) in May, but I don't have a damn clue what I'm going to do when I'm done. I don't have an internship, nor do I have experience in anything. I've wasted the better part of my college career killing all my brain cells. I seriously think I'm more dumb now than I was when I started college. Ben told me to put myself out there and do whatever it takes to get ahead, it doesn't matter if I have the experience or not, just do it. I want to believe that, but the way my life has gone so far, that won't work out for me very well. I have dreams and aspirations to make millions, but I have a very unsettling feeling that I'll end up working in some cubicle for $40k per year doing some meaningless job forever. The thing that sucks about this is that I have no skills whatsoever. I can't play an instrument, fix a car, program a computer, act, or do anything that can create value in myself. I'm just hoping for that one instant where my dream job finds me and I'm able to capitalize on it, but until then I'm still in the same spot living in my shithole life. My only saving grace are my friends, who are there for everything. Thank you guys, seriously. I wish I could get my act together and actually improve my life, but knowing myself I'll just think about it for 10 minutes and then start playing a video game. Its like I'm sabotaging my own life and I'm not really sure why. For anyone who reads this, don't take it the wrong way, I'll be fine. Its getting colder outside, finals are coming up soon and I just have so much shit running through my head that I needed to let this out. I could have probably wrote twice as much as this but I don't want to depress everyone and its 4am, so I'm going to bed.

Can you believe this shit?

"Success comes to kids who wait to have sex." Is that not the most retarded thing you have ever heard? Do you know who said it, or more importantly, sponsoring the messages seen on TV? Oh you guessed it...our ever all-knowing government! Fuck you Republicans and your "I didn't get laid because of my stubborn chauvinistic political beliefs until I was 40 so you can't either" attitude. The website with seemingly hundreds of ways to talk and dissuade your kid from sex can be found here. My favorite, and most hilarious, part of the website includes how to talk to your kids. For example:

Teenager: "All you tell me is, "Don't do this and don't do that" So what am I supposed to do?"
Parent: "You are supposed to be pursuing your goals."

Now I get that STDs and teen pregnancies occur but I've always felt that you do not need to keep your kid abstinent for these things to avoid happening to them. If you are a good enough parent who lets your kids know about what to do should the opportunity arise (no pun intended for us guys) to have sex, then you have done all you can. Once you become a teenager you do not want to listen to much of anything because you feel you are becoming more independent than is probably true, but don't tell that to them. Making these mistakes is a part of life, and do not think I am saying "Go out and knock up the first girl who kisses you" or "Ah you don't really need those condoms." I am saying that life throws you all kinds of curve balls and you just have to know how to hit them. If your parents do a good enough job you should have no qualms about having sex because you know the risks. Honestly, isn't the teen suicide rate high enough? Do we really want to stop our hormone filled kids from having sex until they are married? Waiting until marriage is perfectly acceptable, do not get me wrong, but it is not something that should be preached to the entire world. That goes against my religion but, as I hope most of you know, I do not agree with everything my religion says because I have the right to question those things as a human being. To make a long story short (too late) this is a message to the government...stay the FUCK out of our lives. I will raise my kids with the beliefs and knowledge that I deem worthy for them to follow. They will make their own decisions on whether that is right or wrong for them one day down the road but until then, parenting can be hard enough without our government lobbying to try and raise our kids better than we can.

Billboard Hot 100

I did it. I read the Billboard Hot 100. I knew I wasn't gonna like it. But I didn't realize it would be this bad:

The top 10:
1
Soulja Boy Tell'em
Crank That (Soulja Boy)

2
Kanye West
Stronger

3
Timbaland Featuring Keri Hilson
The Way I Are

4
Fergie
Big Girls Don't Cry

5
J. Holiday
Bed

6
50 Cent Featuring Justin Timberlake & Timbaland
Ayo Technology

7
Keyshia Cole Featuring Missy Elliott & Lil Kim
Let It Go

8
Nickelback
Rockstar

9
Pink
Who Knew

10
Colbie Caillat
Bubbly

Really?

REALLY?

I mean... Is the only rock song in the top 10 most popular REALLY by Nickelback? And the other leaders. Pink. Kanye West. Fergie with Big Girls Don't Cry. At number four. THAT SONG HAS EVIDENTLY BEEN IN THE TOP 100 FOR 23 WEEKS. THAT'S THREE WEEKS SHORT OF HALF OF A FUCKING YEAR. And Carrie Underwood has been on the chart for 56 weeks.

There's a part of me that feels like I'm going to vomit. like every part of it.

I hate pop culture. I hate it. I want to go to a frat-asshole/sorostitute heavy bar with a baseball bat and start going to town. And I don't mean hitting groundballs. I mean beating the life out of everyone I see. In a blind rage. Screaming "YOU HAVE BAD MUSIC TASTE. YOU DON'T EVEN BUMP AND GRIND TO LEGITIMATE MUSIC. I HOPE THEY HAVE NOTHING BUT BADLY SUNG OPERA WAITING FOR YOU IN HELL YOU UNCULTURED BASTARDS AND BITCHES"

Call me closed minded. Call me a bastard. I dance at those bars too. but for CHRIST SAKE there is BETTER MUSIC OUT THERE. Have your guilty pleasures. But realize that there are better things out there. So I can sleep at night...

RRRRAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm a Rocket Man...

and I think its gonna be a long, long time 'til touchdown brings me 'round again to find I'm not the man they think I am at all. No, no. I'm a rocket man.

That is pretty much how I am feeling today.

I woke up feeling distant, and I think that today is going to be a fairly distant-lived one.

Thinking of Venice, a bottomless cup of coffee, a full pack of cigarettes, and a notebook with thousands of empty pages waiting to be filled. I would be at a table for two, with just slight me there, seemingly waiting for something that would never come. Smoking, chain smoking, watching the city slowly sink, relaxing in a sunset of purple and orange, pulling a coat on as night falls, sipping a coffee.

I think I'll go for a walk outside today, the sunshine is callin my name.
Rather, the clouds and threat of downpour is intriguing.

Pretty sure that I have some serious form of ADD. I wonder if that is a bad thing...could be, but then, how would I ever notice?

"The Church of God Choir of Springfield, Ohio offers new lyrics for "God Bless America" to open the Values Voter Presidential Debate last night in Fort Lauderdale, Florida."

Which brings me to my next point: (and I am completely going over the top here, but there may be something to this) Have religious views? Sorry, your vote no longer counts.
Harsh? Yes. But after seeing that I have completely rekindled my hatred for religion. I want to join the growing crowd of scientists who are out to get rid of religious beliefs and join a culture of reason and logic. First step, the spaghetti monster...

"The Flying Spaghetti Monster (also known as the Spaghedeity) is the deity of a parody religion called The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. The religion was founded in 2005 by Oregon State University physics graduate Bobby Henderson to protest against the decision by the Kansas State Board of Education to require the teaching of intelligent design as an alternative to biological evolution. In an open letter sent to the education board, Henderson professes belief in a supernatural Creator called the Flying Spaghetti Monster which resembles spaghetti and meatballs. He furthermore calls for the "Pastafarian" theory of creation to be taught in science classrooms.

Due to its recent popularity and media exposure, the Flying Spaghetti Monster is used by atheists, agnostics (known by Pastafarians as "spagnostics"), and others as a modern version of Russell's teapot."

I think that a lot of people get upset when I try to take on religion, but that is not my purpose. Well, not always. That is why I enjoy the spaghetti monster so very much. What I hear is just as ridiculous as the spaghetti monster story. Soon, I will bring back the invisible pink unicorn. (which I like better, because the story is much more fun)

That should be about enough electronic net verbage for the moment. I think that it is time that I go fulfill part of my earlier fantasy and get a coffee.