That Bowl I Didn't Smoke of that Weed I No Longer Have Must Have Been Delicious...

You read that correctly, and I am super not pleased about the arrangement.

Goodbye, my little green friend. When we first met I was just a wide-eyed young man, sailing lost in a crisp blue ocean searching for pirate treasure. A storm approached from the west with such a fury that tore into my ship, ripping the mast out. The ship, my Righteously Ridiculous Rabi Raft, began to break in twain as the waves continued to crash. Everything went black...
...when I awoke the sun burned white hot into my eyes, I was on an island I had never seen before. But, you know, it is your typical island in the middle of no where; beautiful beaches, coconut trees aplenty, almost constantly active volcano, Wilson, those weird kids from Lord of the Flies chasing after some bullshit green eyed monster, well hidden buried treasure, parrots. That kind of stuff. Oh, and a fully staffed and operational Denny's. But they have some jackass rule about not smoking until 9pm during the week so it doesn't get much business during the day. Oh, and there is a bar. Any bar you want it to be. It doesn't matter which one, just pick and that is what you will see. It's magical...
...when my arch nemesis, Evil Chuck Norris, arrived to see if I was actually dead I showed him just how not dead I was. With my sword. And stabbing. It was pretty intense, actually. He was all, "so it seems you ARE alive." And I was all, "Yep" At which point I stabbed him. I went for the stomach but ended up going through his rib cage, catching a bit of bone on the way through. Then he was all, "FUCK!" And I was all, "Yep." Because that probably fucking hurt. A lot. And then he died and all of his crew asked to be my crew and I said yes. Then I poisoned all of them at dinner. It seemed like a good idea at the time until I realized that captaining a ship fucking sucks if you don't have anyone to captain. At that point I decided that I was totally fucking screwed so I went onto the main deck and asked Poseidon to give me a crew that I could "hang out" with. Poseidon said that would be cool. My crew was fascinating to watch and "hang out" with. They only wanted to sit on couches and listen to/play music and have weirdly fun conversation. The experience was something else, I'll tell you what. People would come up on the main deck and "hang out" for a bit, possibly change the music. Land was nearing...
...Anyway, somebody smoked it.

Basically, what I have learned is that I can no longer hope that if I leave anything on the coffee table it should be there when I return.

But oh, what was on said coffee table?



The saddest bag on the entire planet: An empty bag of hope.

Initially, throats were to be cut. However, I sat down for a cigarette and decided that I would only be amusingly enraged. Here is where it gets a little tricky...what does it mean to be amusingly enraged? Well, my friends, it means that I am still pretty pissed about this but can still laugh about it. Which is good, because I probably will not be upset for very long.

And, upon further review, it is entirely possible that I am upset with no one because I could easily have used it last night without remembering. So yeah, whatever.

*The Italics were added during a wonderful rewrite.

PS-If you can guess the line where I got really stoned you win a prize!