Excuse me for Diarizing this blog...

So I just have to turn this into a diary for a few minutes, I promise it won't happen too often.
I hope everyone had a great valentine's day. Mine had its moments. Namely that I took mushrooms by myself and watched the sts9 DVD alone in my apartment. It was a lot of fun, a very different experience, but nonetheless well worth it. I did this because, well, frankly, like every V-day before this, I didn't have anyone to celebrate with. You all know who I would have WANTED as a valentine, but yeah a 6 hour drive is a real bitch, and until yesterday I was convinced that I had pushed him away from me by being too eager. I debated calling Pat a bunch of times, but I ultimately decided that calling him tripping at 8pm would probably not have been an effective way to test the waters. So of course I wake up this morning with two voicemails from him, drunk as a skunk, sounding very sad and lonely, talking about how much it sucks being at a party where everyone is coupled up together and how he wishes I was there, and that he wished he had made more of a move when I was up a few weeks ago, and that he wishes that he could spend time with me every day, and several other general "I'm sorry I suck at this and I miss you" kind of comments. It was really nice to hear from him and to know that somewhere out there I had someone who wanted me to be their valentine, but I wish more than anything I had been awake when he called so I could have talked to him instead of him being so disappointed. This is what sucks about having someone who has trouble expressing his feelings until he's drunk at 3:30 in the morning. I'll take the small triumphs though, we'll just have to wait and see what happens when

So yeah, I don't know what the point of me writing this is. I'm a big girl, I just needed to get this off my chest. Add this to the list of reasons why I hate Indiana and wish I was still within spitting distance of my friends. Things down here are... well... tense, at best. Adrianne is convinced I hate her because apparently I'm the worst roommate who ever lived (hence why about everyone I've lived with has though that for at least some portion of the time we lived together). She got home as we were starting to watch nick and nora for a second time last night, and then proceeded to get completely miffed and pissy and passive aggressive with me because I wanted to (surprise surprise) WATCH the movie I had put on, rather than hear her recant the newest story about what happened at work. And now I'm the bad guy, because shame on me for trying to find something to pass my time while I'm sitting alone at home and she's off driving around and smoking for hours at a time, and then not dropping everything to listen to her the second she walks in the door. Call me an asshole, I know she's not doing all that well right now, but for god's sake I can't base my life around trying to satisfy her. Couple this with the fact that Jessy's still fucking around with Mental Abuse McPillPopper all the fucking time, leaving me to hang out with Doug and try to keep him motivated and happy enough to not die of depression. Which is fine, he's one of my close friends. But again, what can I say to him without saying "frankly, your girlfriend's been acting like a cunt bitch to you and all of us and nothing is going to get better until she dumps you or him." Polyamory does not mean you compromise every relationship in an effort to do what you want - the only way it will work is if you find people who can live harmoniously with one another in a mutually dependent relationship. Zack, on the other hand, freaks out and starts yelling and screaming if he even stops by the pub and notices Doug smoking a cigarette outside, saying that "it's him all the time, blah blah blah". I'm just over it. We all are. The situation is terrible, but Jess is not willing to acknowledge that she's the only one who has it in her power to make anything better, because that means she'll have to make a sacrifice for someone, which god knows is not her forte. I don't mean to bad mouth her, she is one of my closest friends down here, but I'm tired of the yelling, and the aggression, and the tears, and the constant feeling that the only reason why my friends down here haven't completely gone off the deep end is because I'm constantly playing devil's advocate.

Essentially, I've been really lonely recently. Doug said to me that if I'm having any problems, I'm certainly doing the best job of hiding them. And he's right, I am. Nobody asks me how I'm doing. If I even mention Pat around Jessy she makes some annoyed look at me saying "really? him?" - as if you have any room to judge you fucking hypocrite, I hold my tongue when Zack is around because that's what I have to do in order to not push you away. I'm starting to try to make some new friends, in the music school, around town, but it's not the same. I don't want to date anyone right now, but it doesn't change the fact that my bed just feels too big for one person.

I'm looking forward to coming up to sing in two weeks, don't forget, Sunday, March 1st in Mason, MI. I'll hopefully see a lot of you then, I can't imagine it's gonna be the single most inspiring performance you've seen in your lives, but it should be alright. The Umph concert(s) is(are) still up in the air for me because it really depends on my rehearsal schedule and how much I can get out of, but the good news is I have a quad and an eighth of fungus left and there's more where that came from. I'll provide the chemical amusement aids for that evening.

Much love, and I'll see you in a few weeks.
-Cottonmouth Out