New Rules

I was doing a little visiting to the Daily CluterFuck archives and reading over a lot of our old posts (work is a little slow) and I found an old posting that I did back in July 2007 that regards Bill Maher's "New Rules" on his TV show, "Real Time with Bill Maher." I decided to look back on the October/November episodes of this past year (figured there'd be some better political satire closest to the election) and I give you the top 10 "New Rules" according to Bill Maher, starting from October 3rd and working toward November 14th's season finale:

Rule #1: John McCain has to stop saying, "I know how to get Osama Bin Laden." Well, if you do, then tel us now Mr. Country First. Does it involve laser beams on sharks? Is it something you read in a Hardy Boys book? Are you going to track him like Rambo? Call in the coordinates and then have Palin shoot him from a helicopter?

Rule #2: If you buy your kid a SWAT team costume for Halloween, the state gets to take your kids away. Little Joey wants candy and he knows how to get it. Forget ringing the doorbell. He's going to knock it down with a battering ram. "Trick or treat, motherfuckers!" "Give me the chocolate or Grandma gets it!"

Rule #3: Next year, someone has to put an initiative on the ballot that bans all ballot initiatives. Can you follow these things? "Vote Yes to say No to the people who Support the Opponents of Prop 13 - by voting No on Prop 11, which says Yes to energy independence, and Not No to our teachers and firefighters." If Thomas Jefferson ever heard this crap, he'd be spinning in his slave. Two hundred fifty years later and still an "ooh." Too soon.

Rule #4: You're not allowed to be shocked that breathing smoke might be bad for you. A new study shows that frequently burning incense may cause cancer. What, did you think you were protected by some kind of magic hippie force field? It comes down to what I always say: "If you're going to burn something and then inhale it, it might as well be getting you high!"

Rule #5: Barack Obama has to give comedians something to work with. Seriously, here's a guy who's not fat, not cheating on his wife, not stupid, not angry and not a phony. Who needs an asshole like that around for the next four years?

And what makes it even harder for comedians, Senator, is on top of being perfect, you're black! And liberals are afraid to laugh at anything with a black person in it. Which is silly, because when I do an Obama joke, it's not about all blacks. Just like when I do a George Bush joke, it's not a swipe at all retarded people.

Ah, George Bush. I mean, sure, he ruined banking, housing and the auto industry. But, the state of the comedy business is strong. And people need to laugh at their President. It's right in the Constitution.

Rule #6: (Photo of Salma Hayek) Either cover up the boobs or lose the baby. Preferably the latter. For God's sake, Salma Hayek, do you have any idea what kind of mixed signals you're giving my penis? It's up, it's down, it's up, it's down. It's like I have the Dow Jones Average in my pants!

Rule #7: Never give up hope! I never thought it would happen. You never thought it would happen. But you'll be able to tell your grandkids that in November of 2008, the impossible did happen: Guns N' Roses released "Chinese Democracy"!

Rule #8: Don't pretend Twinkies are healthy now. Just because you can get the 100 calories size. Here's the miracle: it's smaller. And here's how to make your own at home: cut an old Twinkie in half. And here's how to make it healthy: throw both halves in the toilet and eat a carrot.

Rule #9: Stop following me around the parking lot so you can take my spot. I don't even have a car! I'm just wandering around because Obama won and I'm on acid!

Rule #10: Go away! (slide of Palin and McCain on talk shows) If John McCain and Sarah Palin want to keep appearing on television, they must sing or do magic tricks. If we wanted to keep seeing you, we would have voted for you.

I'll try to remember to post another one of these for previous seasons if I think of it, if not, I'll try to get new and updated ones out!