New Rules

I was doing a little visiting to the Daily CluterFuck archives and reading over a lot of our old posts (work is a little slow) and I found an old posting that I did back in July 2007 that regards Bill Maher's "New Rules" on his TV show, "Real Time with Bill Maher." I decided to look back on the October/November episodes of this past year (figured there'd be some better political satire closest to the election) and I give you the top 10 "New Rules" according to Bill Maher, starting from October 3rd and working toward November 14th's season finale:

Rule #1: John McCain has to stop saying, "I know how to get Osama Bin Laden." Well, if you do, then tel us now Mr. Country First. Does it involve laser beams on sharks? Is it something you read in a Hardy Boys book? Are you going to track him like Rambo? Call in the coordinates and then have Palin shoot him from a helicopter?

Rule #2: If you buy your kid a SWAT team costume for Halloween, the state gets to take your kids away. Little Joey wants candy and he knows how to get it. Forget ringing the doorbell. He's going to knock it down with a battering ram. "Trick or treat, motherfuckers!" "Give me the chocolate or Grandma gets it!"

Rule #3: Next year, someone has to put an initiative on the ballot that bans all ballot initiatives. Can you follow these things? "Vote Yes to say No to the people who Support the Opponents of Prop 13 - by voting No on Prop 11, which says Yes to energy independence, and Not No to our teachers and firefighters." If Thomas Jefferson ever heard this crap, he'd be spinning in his slave. Two hundred fifty years later and still an "ooh." Too soon.

Rule #4: You're not allowed to be shocked that breathing smoke might be bad for you. A new study shows that frequently burning incense may cause cancer. What, did you think you were protected by some kind of magic hippie force field? It comes down to what I always say: "If you're going to burn something and then inhale it, it might as well be getting you high!"

Rule #5: Barack Obama has to give comedians something to work with. Seriously, here's a guy who's not fat, not cheating on his wife, not stupid, not angry and not a phony. Who needs an asshole like that around for the next four years?

And what makes it even harder for comedians, Senator, is on top of being perfect, you're black! And liberals are afraid to laugh at anything with a black person in it. Which is silly, because when I do an Obama joke, it's not about all blacks. Just like when I do a George Bush joke, it's not a swipe at all retarded people.

Ah, George Bush. I mean, sure, he ruined banking, housing and the auto industry. But, the state of the comedy business is strong. And people need to laugh at their President. It's right in the Constitution.

Rule #6: (Photo of Salma Hayek) Either cover up the boobs or lose the baby. Preferably the latter. For God's sake, Salma Hayek, do you have any idea what kind of mixed signals you're giving my penis? It's up, it's down, it's up, it's down. It's like I have the Dow Jones Average in my pants!

Rule #7: Never give up hope! I never thought it would happen. You never thought it would happen. But you'll be able to tell your grandkids that in November of 2008, the impossible did happen: Guns N' Roses released "Chinese Democracy"!

Rule #8: Don't pretend Twinkies are healthy now. Just because you can get the 100 calories size. Here's the miracle: it's smaller. And here's how to make your own at home: cut an old Twinkie in half. And here's how to make it healthy: throw both halves in the toilet and eat a carrot.

Rule #9: Stop following me around the parking lot so you can take my spot. I don't even have a car! I'm just wandering around because Obama won and I'm on acid!

Rule #10: Go away! (slide of Palin and McCain on talk shows) If John McCain and Sarah Palin want to keep appearing on television, they must sing or do magic tricks. If we wanted to keep seeing you, we would have voted for you.

I'll try to remember to post another one of these for previous seasons if I think of it, if not, I'll try to get new and updated ones out!

Above the influence...

So I'm sure we've all seen this commercial... The one where the girl talks about her "crazy weekend" while spouting off some awkward spanish ("whoah! slow down chica!") only to find that an embarrassing photo of her was taken while she was (evidently) BLACKED OUT from being high and is now being circulated to everybody through multimedia text messages

First of all... uh... what? There are so many issues with this commercial it's unbelievable. First off, clearly this girl was doin something other than smoking if she doesn't remember anything at all. I mean, smoking affects short-term memory, not long... wait a minute. What was I talking about?

Secondly why would someone who (and I quote) wasn't friends with you spend the money to send an embarrassing photo of you to a bunch of random people's cell phones - enough that not one but TWO random people receive it while you walk past? Not likely.

And also... I want to smoke some pot. Being above the influence is boring.

Can you believe this shit?

"Success comes to kids who wait to have sex." Is that not the most retarded thing you have ever heard? Do you know who said it, or more importantly, sponsoring the messages seen on TV? Oh you guessed it...our ever all-knowing government! Fuck you Republicans and your "I didn't get laid because of my stubborn chauvinistic political beliefs until I was 40 so you can't either" attitude. The website with seemingly hundreds of ways to talk and dissuade your kid from sex can be found here. My favorite, and most hilarious, part of the website includes how to talk to your kids. For example:

Teenager: "All you tell me is, "Don't do this and don't do that" So what am I supposed to do?"
Parent: "You are supposed to be pursuing your goals."

Now I get that STDs and teen pregnancies occur but I've always felt that you do not need to keep your kid abstinent for these things to avoid happening to them. If you are a good enough parent who lets your kids know about what to do should the opportunity arise (no pun intended for us guys) to have sex, then you have done all you can. Once you become a teenager you do not want to listen to much of anything because you feel you are becoming more independent than is probably true, but don't tell that to them. Making these mistakes is a part of life, and do not think I am saying "Go out and knock up the first girl who kisses you" or "Ah you don't really need those condoms." I am saying that life throws you all kinds of curve balls and you just have to know how to hit them. If your parents do a good enough job you should have no qualms about having sex because you know the risks. Honestly, isn't the teen suicide rate high enough? Do we really want to stop our hormone filled kids from having sex until they are married? Waiting until marriage is perfectly acceptable, do not get me wrong, but it is not something that should be preached to the entire world. That goes against my religion but, as I hope most of you know, I do not agree with everything my religion says because I have the right to question those things as a human being. To make a long story short (too late) this is a message to the government...stay the FUCK out of our lives. I will raise my kids with the beliefs and knowledge that I deem worthy for them to follow. They will make their own decisions on whether that is right or wrong for them one day down the road but until then, parenting can be hard enough without our government lobbying to try and raise our kids better than we can.

Ave Maria...

Florida.

Check this shit out. So Tom Monaghan, the crazy Catholic founder of Domino's Pizza, and Ave Maria University are teaming up to create a perpetual fucktard of a community: A Completely Catholic Community. Think that I am being a bit nutty about this? Here is a sample: "Monaghan once stated that commercial leases in the town would enforce beliefs consistent with the Catholic faith, including prohibiting the sale of pornography or contraceptives and banning the performance of abortions."

I'm not kidding. They have their own website put together giving brief details on the community as it develops. The picture above, I believe, is a pretty good indication of the progress being made.

Well, Fuck that. There are so many things wrong with what is going on in Florida that I hardly know where to begin...

This definitely goes towards most of America's theory about Florida being the retarded cousin of the US. How do we know this? Well, Ave Maria College was founded in Michigan. MICHIGAN didn't want this shit to happen, and MI isn't even that much of a blue state. (This is the same MI that elected Kwame Kilpatrick as Mayor of Detroit)

The legal aspects alone are intense. Banning the sale of contraceptives? Really? That is a huge No. Not allowing abortions? Also a fucking No. The American Civil Liberties Union is going to have a field day with these bastards.

So how does this stuff happen in modern day America? I am not entirely sure yet. I would speculate that it has something to do with the War in Iraq/Afghanistan/soon to be the entire Middle East, the War on Terror, and the ridiculous fear-mongering of the Bush regime. We seem to be stuck in a dictator's Holy War. What other options to the nut ball religious have other than clumping together? It seems to make sense. However, it should not be allowed. From what I am seeing, this area has incredible control over the businesses that it allows within the community. Yet we have anti-discrimination laws barring just this thing from happening.

What I am saying is that this type of community is bad for the surrounding areas in Florida, the state itself, and, really, the rest of the nation. Beyond that, this community should leave a bad taste in the mouth of any good Catholic as it goes as far as breaking one the Cardinal rules. "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbors house. (Unless they happen to not be Catholic, then make sure they cannot even get into town)."

On a side-note, since I barely give a shit but am looking for as much as I can to throw into the canon: "This community has drawn criticism from environmental and conservation groups, especially for the threat it may pose to the endangered Florida Panther." The damn community is located in the heart of a panther habitat.

Florida now has a community completely dedicated to intolerant, Catholic views. I hope the whole thing burns to the ground after a "Shocking" revelation that their priest is raping their children.

From the mind of Bill Maher

For those of you who enjoy Bill Maher's political commentary, as well as social commentary, you will find the following link helpful to his HBO show's website where he lists "New Rules" based off of current events or something that simply annoys him. After he is done naming the rules he may continue to address one or he may rant about something else entirely. There is an archive of them on the web and, the last one being posted with the season finale May 25th, I have been able to dig through ones up until March 16th. Here is a "Best of Bill Maher's New Rules":

1. New Rule: Death isn't always sad. [photo of Jerry Falwell shown] This week, the Reverend Jerry Falwell died, and millions of Americans asked, "Why? Why, God? Why didn't you take Pat Robertson with him?!" I don't want to -- I don't want to say Jerry was disliked by the gay community, but, tonight, in New York City, at exactly 8:00, Broadway theaters along the Great White Way, for two minutes, turned their lights up.

Now, I know you're not supposed to speak ill of the dead, but I think we can make an exception, because speaking ill of the dead was kind of Jerry Falwell's hobby. He was the guy who said AIDS was God's punishment for homosexuality, and that 9/11 was brought on by pagans, abortionists, feminists, gays and the ACLU. Or as I like to call them, "my studio audience." But, I found it surreal this week watching people on the news praise Falwell, followed by a clip package of what he actually said. Things like, "Homosexuals are part of a vile and satanic system that will be utterly annihilated." "If you're a born again Christian, you're a failure as a... If you're not a born again Christian, you're a failure as a human being." "Feminists just need a man around the house." "There is no separation of church and state." And of course, everyone's favorite, "The purple Teletubby is gay."

Jerry Falwell found out that you could launder your hate through the cover of God's will. He didn't hate gays. God does. All Jerry Falwell's power came from name-dropping God. And gay people should steal that trick. You know what? Don't say you want something because it's your right as a human being. Say you want it because it's your religion. Gay men have been going at things backwards. Forget civil rights and just make gayness a religion. I mean, you're kneeling anyway.

2. New Rule: Flavors have to be actual flavors. Grape is a flavor. Cinnamon is a flavor. "Arctic Chill" and "Crystal Frost"? I'm pretty sure those are types of meth.

3. New Rule: Someone has to make a mustard container that doesn't squirt out yellow water before it gets to the actual mustard. Someone had to say it. I get all excited for lunch, and then Grey Poupon pees on my sandwich. I suppose I could shake the bottle first, but, f*ck you, I'm an American consumer! Not only should your mustard be pre-blended to my specifications, it should also whiten my teeth.

4. New Rule: Guns don't kill people; crazy people kill people. Last week, in response to the Virginia Tech shootings, President Bush said, "When people see somebody who is exhibiting abnormal behavior, you do something about it." Thanks for the heads-up, McGruff. But, if that's the case, then I want to warn the country about a man I saw last night on TV. He's six feet tall, Caucasian and he goes by the title "President of the United States." [photo of Bush making face shown]

I'm not kidding. George Bush is the crazy person we need to keep an eye on. He needs to stop taking money from the pharmaceutical lobby and start accepting samples. Only a delusional person could watch Alberto Gonzales before Congress last week do everything but say, "No hablo Ingles"- and rip up a picture of the Pope, and conclude that it "increased his confidence in the man." That's called disassociation from reality. There's an old, frequently-used definition of insanity, which is "performing the same action over and over, expecting different results." And then it says, "See: 'The Surge.'"

Now, I'm no doctor, but I am on TV. And in my professional opinion, George Bush is a paranoid schizophrenic. He thinks the terrorists hate us for our freedom, and believes they're going to follow us home. That's why he keeps obsessively clearing brush, so Osama can't use it for cover.Other symptoms of paranoid schizophrenia are: Do you see things that aren't there? Such as a link between 9/11 and Iraq? Do you - do you feel things that you shouldn't be feeling, like a sense of accomplishment? Do you have trouble organizing words into a coherent sentence? Do you hear voices that aren't really there? Like, oh, I don't know, your imaginary friend, Jesus? Telling you to start a war in the Middle East.

5. New Rule: If you have to eat crap, at least eat humane crap. This week, Burger King announced that it would begin buying eggs and pork from suppliers that don't keep animals in cages, which is such a rare act of corporate responsibility. I'm waiting from them to say, "April Fools." Hey, you keep this up and I'll put one of your crowns on, Burger King. And, now it won't because it's three in the morning, you're the only place open and I'm high. Not to be outdone, Taco Bell says they're going to start being nicer to their rats.

6. New Rule: Put your shirt on! Posing with your shirt off on the cover of your hip-hop album doesn't say "gansta." It says, "I'll blow you for some crack."

7. New Rule: Stop pretending your drugs are morally superior to my drugs, because you get yours at a store. This week, they released the autopsy report on Anna Nicole Smith, and the cause of death was what I always thought it was. Mad Cow.

No, it turns out she had nine different prescription drugs in her. Which, in the medical field, is known as the "Full Limbaugh." They opened her up and a Walgreen's jumped out. Anti-depressants, anti-anxiety pills, sleeping pills, sedatives, Valium, methadone. This woman was killed by her doctor, who is a glorified bartender. And I'm not going to say his name, but only because, a) I don't want to get sued, and b) my back is killing me.

Now, this month marks the 35th anniversary of a famous government report. I was 16 in 1972, and I remember how excited we were when Nixon's much ballyhooed national commission on drug abuse came out and said pot should be legalized! It was a moment of great hope for common sense. And then, just like Bush did last year with the Iraq Study Group, Nixon took the report and threw it in the garbage. And from there, the '70s went right into disco and colored underpants. When are we going to get it? That America's most dangerous drugs are the legal ones in our medicine cabinets, while some of the most benign ones are growing under a heat lamp in my dressing room. I joke! I joke, of course. But, 40% of the U.S. population has tried pot. That's 94 million Americans. Or, as I call them, "my base."

8. New Rule: Advertisers have to find some other way to show that old people are active than just playing tennis. It doesn't matter if it's dentures, laxatives or a funeral home, if old people need it, the ad shows them playing tennis. If old people really played this much tennis, they'd knock their teeth out, crap themselves and die.

9. New Rule: When you boost stamp prices, you have to raise them to an even number. Who goes to the post office? Old people. How long is it going to take each of them to fish out the extra pennies? All the time ever in history. And then, when will they play tennis?

10. New Rule: Liberals must stop saying President Bush hasn't asked Americans to sacrifice for the war on terror. On the contrary, he's asked us to sacrifice something enormous. Our civil rights.

Now, when I heard George Bush was reading my emails, I probably had the same reaction you did: George Bush can read?! Yes, he can. And this administration has read your phone records, credit card statements, mail, Internet logs. I can't tell if they're fighting a war on terror or producing the next season of "Cheaters." I mail myself a copy of the Constitution every morning just on the hope they'll open it and see what it says.

So -so when it comes to sacrifice, don't kid yourself. You have given up a lot. You've given up faith in your government's honesty, the goodwill of people overseas, and six-tenths of the Bill of Rights. Here's what you've sacrificed: search and seizure, warrants, self-incrimination, trial by jury, cruel and unusual punishment. Here's what you have left: hand guns, religion, and they can't make you quarter a British soldier. If Prince Harry invades the Inland Empire, he has to bring a tent.

The Daily ClusterFuck...

Jon Lovitz beats the hell out of Andy Dick. Seriously. This may be the funniest thing Jon Lovitz has ever done. Except for that bit in Wedding Singer. That was the shit. But otherwise, this wins.

An Amazing thesis based entirely on the works of Bret Easton Ellis. The Author of Rules of Attraction, American Psycho, among others.

"Louisiana Sen. David Vitter returned to the Capitol Tuesday, dodging camera crews where possible and refusing to take reporters' questions about a sex scandal that sent him into seclusion for a week." Cause thats what you do when your phone number is found on the books at an escort service. Stupid Republicans.

If your last words are, “I am the emperor”, you had better go down guns 'a blazin'.

Straight from Fark, because this was great: Girl in stable condition after horse stands on her face. Stable condition. She's stable. A horse stood on her face.

"A Lincoln County woman was arrested Saturday after she doused her boyfriend with lighter fluid and tried to set him on fire, deputies said." Oh yeah, this is AFTER she beat the shit out of him with a baseball bat.

"Churchgoer stabs 5 after listening to sermon" Okay, so I might disagree with religion, and make fun of it, and think that organized religion is a total farce, but wow. Just. Wow.

"Papal dungeon in Rome reopens for nighttime tours" Sinners to begin paying 16.50$ for tickets. Many will never make it out.

And Finally: