From the mind of Bill Maher

For those of you who enjoy Bill Maher's political commentary, as well as social commentary, you will find the following link helpful to his HBO show's website where he lists "New Rules" based off of current events or something that simply annoys him. After he is done naming the rules he may continue to address one or he may rant about something else entirely. There is an archive of them on the web and, the last one being posted with the season finale May 25th, I have been able to dig through ones up until March 16th. Here is a "Best of Bill Maher's New Rules":

1. New Rule: Death isn't always sad. [photo of Jerry Falwell shown] This week, the Reverend Jerry Falwell died, and millions of Americans asked, "Why? Why, God? Why didn't you take Pat Robertson with him?!" I don't want to -- I don't want to say Jerry was disliked by the gay community, but, tonight, in New York City, at exactly 8:00, Broadway theaters along the Great White Way, for two minutes, turned their lights up.

Now, I know you're not supposed to speak ill of the dead, but I think we can make an exception, because speaking ill of the dead was kind of Jerry Falwell's hobby. He was the guy who said AIDS was God's punishment for homosexuality, and that 9/11 was brought on by pagans, abortionists, feminists, gays and the ACLU. Or as I like to call them, "my studio audience." But, I found it surreal this week watching people on the news praise Falwell, followed by a clip package of what he actually said. Things like, "Homosexuals are part of a vile and satanic system that will be utterly annihilated." "If you're a born again Christian, you're a failure as a... If you're not a born again Christian, you're a failure as a human being." "Feminists just need a man around the house." "There is no separation of church and state." And of course, everyone's favorite, "The purple Teletubby is gay."

Jerry Falwell found out that you could launder your hate through the cover of God's will. He didn't hate gays. God does. All Jerry Falwell's power came from name-dropping God. And gay people should steal that trick. You know what? Don't say you want something because it's your right as a human being. Say you want it because it's your religion. Gay men have been going at things backwards. Forget civil rights and just make gayness a religion. I mean, you're kneeling anyway.

2. New Rule: Flavors have to be actual flavors. Grape is a flavor. Cinnamon is a flavor. "Arctic Chill" and "Crystal Frost"? I'm pretty sure those are types of meth.

3. New Rule: Someone has to make a mustard container that doesn't squirt out yellow water before it gets to the actual mustard. Someone had to say it. I get all excited for lunch, and then Grey Poupon pees on my sandwich. I suppose I could shake the bottle first, but, f*ck you, I'm an American consumer! Not only should your mustard be pre-blended to my specifications, it should also whiten my teeth.

4. New Rule: Guns don't kill people; crazy people kill people. Last week, in response to the Virginia Tech shootings, President Bush said, "When people see somebody who is exhibiting abnormal behavior, you do something about it." Thanks for the heads-up, McGruff. But, if that's the case, then I want to warn the country about a man I saw last night on TV. He's six feet tall, Caucasian and he goes by the title "President of the United States." [photo of Bush making face shown]

I'm not kidding. George Bush is the crazy person we need to keep an eye on. He needs to stop taking money from the pharmaceutical lobby and start accepting samples. Only a delusional person could watch Alberto Gonzales before Congress last week do everything but say, "No hablo Ingles"- and rip up a picture of the Pope, and conclude that it "increased his confidence in the man." That's called disassociation from reality. There's an old, frequently-used definition of insanity, which is "performing the same action over and over, expecting different results." And then it says, "See: 'The Surge.'"

Now, I'm no doctor, but I am on TV. And in my professional opinion, George Bush is a paranoid schizophrenic. He thinks the terrorists hate us for our freedom, and believes they're going to follow us home. That's why he keeps obsessively clearing brush, so Osama can't use it for cover.Other symptoms of paranoid schizophrenia are: Do you see things that aren't there? Such as a link between 9/11 and Iraq? Do you - do you feel things that you shouldn't be feeling, like a sense of accomplishment? Do you have trouble organizing words into a coherent sentence? Do you hear voices that aren't really there? Like, oh, I don't know, your imaginary friend, Jesus? Telling you to start a war in the Middle East.

5. New Rule: If you have to eat crap, at least eat humane crap. This week, Burger King announced that it would begin buying eggs and pork from suppliers that don't keep animals in cages, which is such a rare act of corporate responsibility. I'm waiting from them to say, "April Fools." Hey, you keep this up and I'll put one of your crowns on, Burger King. And, now it won't because it's three in the morning, you're the only place open and I'm high. Not to be outdone, Taco Bell says they're going to start being nicer to their rats.

6. New Rule: Put your shirt on! Posing with your shirt off on the cover of your hip-hop album doesn't say "gansta." It says, "I'll blow you for some crack."

7. New Rule: Stop pretending your drugs are morally superior to my drugs, because you get yours at a store. This week, they released the autopsy report on Anna Nicole Smith, and the cause of death was what I always thought it was. Mad Cow.

No, it turns out she had nine different prescription drugs in her. Which, in the medical field, is known as the "Full Limbaugh." They opened her up and a Walgreen's jumped out. Anti-depressants, anti-anxiety pills, sleeping pills, sedatives, Valium, methadone. This woman was killed by her doctor, who is a glorified bartender. And I'm not going to say his name, but only because, a) I don't want to get sued, and b) my back is killing me.

Now, this month marks the 35th anniversary of a famous government report. I was 16 in 1972, and I remember how excited we were when Nixon's much ballyhooed national commission on drug abuse came out and said pot should be legalized! It was a moment of great hope for common sense. And then, just like Bush did last year with the Iraq Study Group, Nixon took the report and threw it in the garbage. And from there, the '70s went right into disco and colored underpants. When are we going to get it? That America's most dangerous drugs are the legal ones in our medicine cabinets, while some of the most benign ones are growing under a heat lamp in my dressing room. I joke! I joke, of course. But, 40% of the U.S. population has tried pot. That's 94 million Americans. Or, as I call them, "my base."

8. New Rule: Advertisers have to find some other way to show that old people are active than just playing tennis. It doesn't matter if it's dentures, laxatives or a funeral home, if old people need it, the ad shows them playing tennis. If old people really played this much tennis, they'd knock their teeth out, crap themselves and die.

9. New Rule: When you boost stamp prices, you have to raise them to an even number. Who goes to the post office? Old people. How long is it going to take each of them to fish out the extra pennies? All the time ever in history. And then, when will they play tennis?

10. New Rule: Liberals must stop saying President Bush hasn't asked Americans to sacrifice for the war on terror. On the contrary, he's asked us to sacrifice something enormous. Our civil rights.

Now, when I heard George Bush was reading my emails, I probably had the same reaction you did: George Bush can read?! Yes, he can. And this administration has read your phone records, credit card statements, mail, Internet logs. I can't tell if they're fighting a war on terror or producing the next season of "Cheaters." I mail myself a copy of the Constitution every morning just on the hope they'll open it and see what it says.

So -so when it comes to sacrifice, don't kid yourself. You have given up a lot. You've given up faith in your government's honesty, the goodwill of people overseas, and six-tenths of the Bill of Rights. Here's what you've sacrificed: search and seizure, warrants, self-incrimination, trial by jury, cruel and unusual punishment. Here's what you have left: hand guns, religion, and they can't make you quarter a British soldier. If Prince Harry invades the Inland Empire, he has to bring a tent.