"Hello, everyone. I am desperately sorry for the light slogging lately, but I've been quite gone on a wee little trip. I'm sorry to have been away. And God forgive me, I don't know why I agreed to it in the first place. I can't understand what the fuck came over me. I clearly wasn't in my right mind. I'll probably regret it forever. And ever. And ever.
My "boyfriend" who is supposed to "love me" (ha!) decided several weeks ago that it would be a novel notion to pursue an adventurous excursion via (Shudder! Gasp!) the goddamnmotherfucking BUS. He thought it would be "fun". Fun!
Indeed, I said the goddamnmotherfucking BUS, by which I mean GREYHOUND, by which I mean HELL on EARTH on WHEELS. I can barely bring myself to talk about it. I haven't even begun to digest the experience, and frankly, I may never fully do so. And so, for the sake of the shreds of my remaining mental health and faith in mankind, I'm compelled to vomit some of the story up here for you. I'm sorry. I have no choice. It's a compulsion. It's necessary. I can't stop myself. I have to heal, somehow.
Lucky, lucky you.
But (and you'll thank me later!) I have kindly boiled the entire 14-hour-long-sitting-bolt-upright-in-a-rolling-metal-death-tube-full-of-convicts-methheads-and-sociopaths-that-smells-like-an-alcoholic-cat's-ass experience down to a few simple bullet points, rather than provide the world with an exhaustive and detailed point-by-point report. This is for your own good. Trust me.
However! Please note! A quick little disclaimer, to avoid any confusion before we begin: I do not travel via Greyhound, damn you, I've never done so before, and you can bet your sweet fanny's ass that the temporary lapse in judgment that compelled me to do so will never, by God, NEVER, happen again. It was a dreadful mistake. A one-time-thing. I may never be the same. Somebody hold me. I beg you.
Also! Before we go off to the simple bullet-pointed list of What I Learned on Sitting Up for 14 Hours on a Fucking Cat's-Ass-Stanking Greyhound Bus, I have to get this off my chest, and I want to get it just right before my mind successfully represses it forever…
"I just want to say that it's only by the grace of God Almighty that anyone gets anywhere, and it's the men and women fighting for this country that's the only thing holding this nation together."Yes, that's pretty much how it went: a little nonsensical 3-AM public service announcement from a lunatic Greyhound driver to his captive audience. Amen and hallelujah!
Fuckety fuck fuck fuck.
Okay, here we go:
9 Terrible Things I Learned On a Goddamnmotherfucking Greyhound Bus 1) Everyone who has ever been to prison is compelled by forces beyond our understanding to tell everyone else all about it, all the time, at a volume of twenty million decibels.
2) Everyone on Greyhound has been to prison.
3) There is no such thing as quiet crazy.
4) It is completely appropriate, even expected, to scream things at the driver like, "It's about fucking time!" and even more appropriate for the driver to respond, "Fuck you, too!" and then rant about Jesus.
5) The words "nigger" and "fag" are alive and well and thriving without a trace of irony.
6) You could be Osama Bin Laden carrying a bomb up his ass and a dead hooker under each arm and nobody's going to check your ID.
7) There is such a thing as the White Trash gene.
8) Relish is a meal.
9) There is no hope for mankind. Not. A. Shred.
Well, whatever. It's still marginally better than flying, I guess."
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