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I love reading these, as I'm sure most all of us do, on CollegeHumor. I decided that I liked them so much I was going to go through all 95 of the articles and find my favorite quotes from them. I did not pick one from each but I have a bunch. Here they are, as I said before, courtesy of CollegeHumor:

Advice for Seniors: Carry around a pair of extra sharp scissors. When someone says, "Hey, what are you doing after you graduate?" you say, "Hard time," and puncture their appendix with the utmost fervor!

Great thing to say when you're having sex: "This just in: My Dick"

Failed Ad Slogan: Maybe she's born with it. Maybe it's Maybelline. Or maybe she killed an old homeless woman and stole it.

I want to drive an old 1960s style Volkswagen. Not because I love the car or anything, but because I would know that every time I drive by a school bus, someone is getting punched.

"Haley, there's no easy way to tell you this. You were an accident."
"You told me I was adopted."
"It was a very big accident."

I love having sex during Daylight Savings. It's the only time I can tell my girlfriend we had sex for an hour and thirty seconds.

My Grandfather writes the SATs: An American male and an old Asian woman start a trip from Houston to Dallas at the same time. Joe is doing a steady 5 miles above the speed limit, while Li-Xing or whatever is doing 1/3 of that. How much shorter will Joe's trip be, if Li-Xing makes it at all?

Rejected Army Slogans: The U.S. Army: Because Natural Causes Are Gay.

Professor Afraid of Losing Tenure: "Shaqwanda, if the regular printer isn't working you have to use the colored pri--er...the other printer."

An alcoholic is someone who can't control their drinking. I can control my drinking, just not the puking, text messaging, and purchases from online sex stores afterwards.

Bad times for "That's what she said":
"Jim was a good man. As we remember him today, let us close our eyes, and feel his presence within us all."
"Your son has been late to class and picking on the other children. Frankly, I want to pull him out before something worse happens."
"Mr. Johnson, the cancer is spreading. I want you in bed every day."

Two countries who should never play each other in the World Cup: NIG (Niger) vs. GER (Germany)

Life is like a box of chocolates: the fatter you are, the shorter it lasts.

Are they called Baked Lays because that's how they're made, or because that's what I'd have to be to enjoy them?

Sneeze Replies More Zealous Than "God Bless You":
Jehovah bless you.
May Allah absolve your nasal passages of all foreign intruders.
Gesundheit...oh great and powerful Gezundheit! Purify thine sinuses with your mighty hammer!

Great minds think alike, but the greatest minds just steal their ideas and get rich.

I'm ashamed to admit it now, but I lied on my college application essay. In the space after it says "High School GPA," I wrote "I know what this means."

Ohio State Fan Who Doesn't Get It: "I like Ohio State so much, I bleed red."

Seemingly Obvious Movie Spoilers:
No Country for Old Men: The old men decide this is no country for them.
There Will Be Blood: There was blood.
Leatherheads: Renee Zellweger is ugly as shit.

Time Machines: Is the fact that we don't see people from the future suddenly appearing all over an indication that time machines will never be invented, or that we just live in a very boring time?

My friend grew up Asian, so he says that's why he isn't into Asian girls. I think that makes a lot of sense, because I grew up fat...

If Dr. Seuss Was Actually a Doctor:
Dr. Seuss: "I do not like this brownish spot. I do not like this dark black dot. I do not like this odd-shaped mole. I do not like this porous hole. I'd wear more sunblock here and there. I'd wear more sunblock anywhere. It looks as though, I'm sad to say, that you have cancer here today.
Patient: "Are you...high?"

Q: What's red and bad for your teeth?
A: A brick

How do people call Batman for help during the day? If I lived in Gotham, I'd just rob banks after lunch.

My ex-girlfriend always had a soft spot for my roommate. Unfortunately, it was her vagina.

I figured I had failed my company's drug test because I put "C" for every answer. Turns out they just wanted a urine sample. I was really high that day.

The worst kind of surprise party is an intervention.

On Friday, Christian Bale pretended to be Batman, on Sunday he fought with his mom. He basically spent the weekend acting like me at 13.

I find it ironic that getting the clap is nothing to cheer about.

You know what's funny about smoking weed? Everything, apparently.

What All Chinese Fortune Cookies Should Say: "You are about to take a dump in 10 minutes."

If 24 Was Set During Daylight Savings Time: "The following events take place between 2 AM and 2 AM."

My friends and I celebrate the Olympics with our own Beerlympics. It's just like the real Olympics, but all the events are based on drinking. This summer I won the gold medal in losing my job and abusing my wife. In 2012, I hope to add killing a pedestrian to that list.

My last girlfriend once sent me some racy photos and jokingly told me they were for "educational purposes only," so when she broke up with me I jokingly uploaded them to the Wikipedia page for vagina.

Help a family find a lost pet...tell them where you buried it.

I recently walked in on my son smoking pot, and thought, "That's weird, I don't have any kids."

People say smoking weed is bad because it makes you lazy. I say it just makes doing absolutely nothing that much more fun.

I saw a Public Service Announcement that said 1/3 of all car accidents involve someone who has THC in their bloodstream. I'm no statistician, but what the fuck is wrong with the 2/3 of sober people who suck at driving?

Since Cocoa Puffs make normal milk chocolate, I thought they might turn chocolate milk normal. Instead it turned my body diabetic.

Behind every successful woman, there's a bunch of guys whispering that she's a lesbian and "probably infertile."

Winners: My dad always says "winners never quit" and I always say, "No shit. They've already won, why would they quit you moron?" My dad and I don't have a great relationship...

Why is it that when I watch all the seasons of South Park back-to-back, it's called a "marathon," yet when I run 26 miles and stab 15 people along the way, it's called a "spree?"