My Problem with Women

I suck at approaching/talking to them. If I was in the middle of a conversation, I'd be fine. I'm just horrible at starting a conversation. I never know what to say. I'm not witty or funny or good-looking enough to get away with something cheesy or stupid. It's like my nuts are collecting cobwebs. I probably shouldn't be finding random hook-ups in bars, but I just need to find a good girl to just fuck silly.

Funny/sad story: I was at the Riv on Saturday night, talking to a friend. I turn around and get my dick fondled. My reaction? I grab a handful of that girl's titties. Well, she must of liked it because I didn't get slapped. The sad part is that I just stood there. I didn't follow her. I didn't see her naked. I also have no clue what she looks like...Seriously, I don't remember ever looking at her face. What? I was really drunk.

Moral of the story: I need to grow a pair, stop being such a pussy, and get out there and fuck some pussy. Damn, I'm horny.

I return to the blog upset and annoyed

This is not a typical post that you think would be something to do with myself having an issue personally. No, it is not that. I just watched "Deal or No Deal" because once it is on I cannot stop watching it....plus it was an episode with a bunch of NFL players and a guy wearing a Peyton Manning jersey, so naturally.

I know what you're thinking...how could you be annoyed at that? You'd think you'd be in heaven right? Oh no. I am all for the sanctity of marriage and hope to be happily wed one day but if she does to me what this chick did to him I will slit her Achilles. Get this...

He still has the $750,000 and $1 million case left but he has been offered the following...

- A fully loaded 2008 GMAC Denali w/ full tailgating equipment (chairs, tables, coolers)
- 4 season tickets to his favorite NFL team
- Tickets to practice sessions (on the field)
- Sideline passes to several of the games as well
- A private backstage tour of NFL Network studios
- Two footballs signed by the World Champion Indianapolis Colts
- Honorary captain of one game where he also throws out the game ball (which they don't normally do in football)
- Tickets to Super Bowl 42 as well as the SB 42 concert series...all expenses paid
--Now this much is worth approx. $66,000 right now...but there's more--
-$50,000 to top it off

GRAND TOTAL: $166,000

If you were me, you would stroke out and I would kiss Howie Mandel and that creepy banker. There are so many of these things that are once in a lifetime. Oh, but did I mention...he's married? She gave him the look of death and asked "Will this money get you out of your student debts so we can live comfortably?" To this I replied: "OH SCREW YOU BITCH!"

My mom asked me if I would take that prize and within a split second after "Would you" I said "You bet your ass!" $50,000 is nothing to shake your stick at. What did he do? She looked at him with those deadly eyes and he said "No deal" to which I felt like I just got kicked in the balls and I'm sure it felt much worse for him. He about fainted when he heard the prize being offered, he had to sit down!

My point is...God how I would make her sleep on the couch or slap the biatch. He ended up taking a $194,000 deal when he had the $1 million in his case on the table but I digress. Yes, I know that a million bucks is a million bucks but how many of those things listed above are once in a lifetime to someone who treasures the game of football as many of us do. Priceless gifts only the NFL could give. But no, she wants them both to be happy and live comfortably and I understand that...and he may be in her good graces but I'll damn sure tell you that she is not in his. Oh how upset I was....ah...feel better already.

It's Official...

I absolutely suck at the game. I had ample opportunity to sleep with this girl and I fucking blew it every time. She even asked if she could stay here for the night, which right there should of been an in, but that was the last time I saw her all night. Why the fuck does this shit happen? Why do guys always have to initiate things? She fucking knew I was interested. Fucking bitch was probably enjoying herself watching me make a fool out of myself. Damn fucking shit ass piss I need to get laid. But I also need to do that when I'm not completely wasted.

Damn You, Penis!

Fucking Christ I'm horny. That girl in the blue shirt isn't helping either. She isn't having sex with me right now. So I fucked up somewhere. How is it that everyone I find attractive has a boyfriend? Those lucky assholes! This is a post calling out all those hot, single females...get your ass over here! I blame the fucking security and a crocodile named Phil!

New Serious Medical Condition Discovered!

Late last night, I discovered a possible medical condition in our very own Kiznox. I pondered what it could possibly be all day long today. Again tonight it affected him once more. I am naming this illness Pussing Out-itis, and yes, that is a scientific term...maybe. My conclusion is that it is a very serious condition where the affected cannot stay up past midnight, even though they got at least 9 hours of sleep the night before. Further research needs to be conducted to find out the potential hazard this illness has. All I know is that this has affected Kiznox the past 2 nights now, granted he stayed up a lot later tonight. I still believe he needs our help to get over this. We need to find him a cure or he won't be able to stop pussing out. Somebody please think of the children!

Barry Bonds, What A Fuckhead

So Barry Bonds hit homerun #756 last night, passing Hank Aaron for the record for career homeruns. While this is a great feat, I don't think he deserves the recognition. Fuck Bonds. How does a guy go from hitting about 30 homeruns in his earlier career to hitting upwards of 70 homeruns in his late 30s, early 40s? How does a guy grow in size when he's that age? Well, the answer is steroids. Everyone knows he does it. Why are people treating him like he deserves this honor? I read an article in the Detroit News that was basically bashing Bonds' recent activities and I fully agreed with the author of that article. Bonds does not deserve to have this many homeruns. If he wasn't juiced up, he'd be at 550, at most. When A-Rod beats this record, I'll actually give him some credit.

Quick Venting

So I'm about to head to Lansing to visit my supposed boyfriend for basicaly the last time who has not even made the slightest effort to contact me in over two weeks. I know it'll be good to have a good ending point between us, but seriously why I should drive an hour and a half to see him is completely beyond me.

I'm attempting to not have too many posts like this but sometimes you just gotta vent
grr

Lohan in Hot Water...Again

This should come as no surprise, seeing that Lindsay Lohan is a druggy and an alcoholic, she got charged with a DUI. While searching her car, they also found cocaine. It's good to see that the rehab is working well. Mug shot included

I can't get back to sleep

So I'm already awake at 7:30 because my dad is on a conference call in the next room, and he's a deaf old man so he has it on speakerphone on the loudest setting. So I'm posting

Karaoke is an interesting affair. Last night was definitely the most painful of the nights we heard, but there were some really good people. The main thing I've always wondered is this: I consider myself to be a talented singer. But put me up on stage with the words in front of me, and it is usually a disaster. I did manage to not make a TOTAL ass of myself singing "Your Woman" by whitetown, but come on eileen was awful (I TOLD Scott I didn' know any of the words to the verses, but did he listen? No...).
A plea to sorostitute types who do karaoke. If you're unwilling to sing a song by myself, you will not end up singing better with your two best girlfriends. Having three people in the group and holding a mike does not make you the dixie chicks - chances are, if you're completely tone-deaf, throwing your two best tone-deaf friends in the mix will likely not turn out so well. I don't mean to be totally elitist, but if I have to hear another group of people caterwauling in the completely wrong key I might start punching babies.
Speaking of punching babies, highlight of last night: The approximately six-year-old child that was just running loose in the bar. Our pal Phil managed to scare him out of where he was hiding with his karaoke stylings, and so out of nowhere, a little kid went running through the bar. Little children in completely inappropriate places makes me happy. Hell, my dad used to take us out to the pub after his rugby games all the time. Then my sister hit puberty and his team-mates started making comments so it wasn't family pub time anymore. Also I'm pretty sure people got really drunk and started acting completely inappropriately. Ah those were the days...
So back to karaoke. Basically my problem is this: every popular song from the last 40 years or so is part too high for me to sing. What's with that? Whatever happened to crooners like Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin? I mean I love Incubus, but if Brandon Boyd sings any higher on his next cd, he might break the sound barrier. Can anybody honestly sing along to the refrain of dig without singing completely falsetto? I mean it's goregeous, but I know girls who wouldn't feel comfortable singing up there. I'll have to get real drunk for that concert. This thursday - fuck yeah!

PS Brandon Boyd, you are still the love of my life regardless of the fact that I could never dream of singing the notes you can hit.

Guitar Hero 80s edition comes out today. I'll have to con one of my ps2-owning friends into buying it. I have to admit, a few more well-known songs would have been appreciated (I still can't believe they didn't put on my sharona. That song rocks) but it'll be nice to maybe play a few different tracks. I'm just waiting for GH3. Although I'm not buying it because I don't want to be a lazy shit this year at school.

Continuation from last night: being stoned and listening to NIN is fucking awesome. I got the new album (which is amazing) and the remastered edition of The Downward Spiral, a cd I can't believe I haven't bought yet. It's so angry and vulgar I just can't help but feel great when singing along. My new favorite quote (from I Do Not Want This):

I want to know everything
I want to be everywhere
I want to fuck everyone in the world
I want to do something that matters

I mean, there's no question, that is really fucking hot. It's intense, aggressively egotistical, and it's the type of thought you have when that little devil pops up on your shoulder and you smile to yourself for knowing that the human mind is capable of being so dark and arrogant. Trent Reznor is the man.

This face is currently 14% ahead in the polls...

Fuck you, America.

Drunken Epiphany

I'm a useless waste of space. I had ample opportunity to talk to many a hot chick tonight and I did jack shit. I guess waiting for a girl to come up and talk to my ugly ass is way too much to ask.

P.S. I drove home drunk tonight. It was one of the worst experiences I've ever had. I am so sorry.

Girls are fucking crazy

Parties are great. Seeing friends you haven't seen in months, is a great thing. Seeing a former flame bring a guy to the party just to spite me, is not so great. We don't stay together because we have 100 miles separating us for the summer, and apparently, she wants to be a whore. I was fine with the fact that she wanted the summer for herself and we probably weren't going to get back together, but bringing some strange douchebag to the party was a cheap shot. She brought him for the sole reason to piss me off and/or make me jealous. Everyone saw this. If she wants to act like that, then she's only making herself look bad.

Why are women so fucking nuts?