So I've been thinking recently, especially since I'm nervous career-wise about my body and the way I look (and I'm worried about that on a personal level, but that's not really the point).
I realized that most people, including myself, can not grasp the fact that you cannot change the way you look.
This all started when I noticed a tiny chip in the front of one of my front teeth. It really bothered me. Knowing that it will never go away, and that I will never have perfect smooth teeth. Not because anyone would EVER be able to see it. But because it is an imperfection.
I have a lot of imperfections - love handles that won't go away no matter how skinny I am, scars on my face, a crooked nose, veins popping out of my forehead, skinny orangutan arms, an asymmetrical rib cage that actually hurts me now when I sleep on my left side, among other things.
But I cannot change these. And you know what? For whatever reason, nobody notices them. And if they do they don't care.
I'm never going to be a supermodel. Shit, I'm probably never even going to be on stage looking the way I do. But I cannot pretend that there is no one out there who finds me attractive, even if I can't look at myself in a mirror for two seconds without getting self conscious about something.
I blame the media, honestly. Yeah, call me a girl for playing that card, but truly, men have it no different than women do. I once had a feminist lesbian friend of mine berate me for saying this, citing the fact that in primetime tv, it's always fat, stupid men with skinny, attractive, intelligent women. But this is not the norm. And there's just as many ripped, perfect guys pervading commericals and movies and television as there are skinny, beautiful girls. It makes me laugh how there are so many ads for bowflex in game informer magazine. I'm sure pretty much everyone who passes that ad while reading it thinks "damn, I wish I looked like that", and even if one person per year acts on an impulse and buys one to try to achieve that ideal they see, the ad campaign has done its job perfectly.
The media does not strive to make us healthy (by and large). The media strives to make us hate ourselves so much that we become convinced that the only way to achieve happiness and get the hot girl or guy of our dreams is to eat this healthy meal (new subway ad campaign, anyone?), or to by this gym membership, or exercise machine, or to dress in these expensive clothes. I read GQ occasionally and scoff at the ads for Dolce and Gabbana. Half naked men lying amid dimly lit rooms filled with leather and women looking dejected with two strands of cloth covering their nipples and vag. Most ads don't even have them wearing the clothes they're supposedly advertising.
I truly believe in working to become as fit and healthy as you can, and I have been slowly improving my body image for about ten years now. I can't say I'm the healthiest guy around, but you'd be amazed how great just hitting a gym or doing something physical 2-3 times a week can make you feel. I may not look much different than I did a few years ago, but I've tricked myself into thinking I do. And that works just as well.
goal by next summer? be the shirtless guy who people are checking out at bonnaroo, not the guy who's blatantly checking out others (although I'll probably still be doing that - I'm still holding out for the hot gay hippie-ish guy who wants to have a random fling for a weekend... that would be awesome)
