New Show Review: ABC Owns Marvel...sorry...No Ordinary Family

Earlier tonight I watched the new ABC show, No Ordinary Family, and was met with mixed results. I thought I was going to sit down and watch a family drama, or maybe even a comedy...but it was neither. It was just...a show. It seems like it is genre-less. I mean, there was "drama" per se, but it wasn't anything all that eventful. No one gets kidnapped, hurt, molested, donkey-punched, or anything that would produce this thing called "drama." Ok, the daughter breaks up with her boyfriend. DRAMA! Oh, and the wife has to cancel dinner plans, but the Thing is happy about it so he can continue to have bullet catching time with the black guy from The 40 Year Old Virgin. Does this show have emotions?

The show starts off with Jim Powell (Michael Chiklis) trying to get his family to go on a vacation to Brazil, because they don't spend any time together anymore. Flash immediately to the airplane in a storm. Well, the plane goes down, the pilot is killed, and the family is trapped in the jungle in the middle of Brazil. Then they are captured by rebels and are subject to crazy medical experiments that give them superpowers...oh wait. They swim through what appears to be semen-filled water and wash up on shore. But they struggle to get home, right? Nope. They are fucking home in the next shot. No explanation on how they got out of the fucking jungle.

Well Jim is a police sketch artist, amazingly able to get access to a gun and police radios. Convenient. So he finds out that he's The Thing and the Incredible Hulk mixed together. The station attorney (Romany Malco) helps him do things, even though he's reluctant at first.

Jim's unbelievably hot wife, Stephanie (Julie Benz), is a scientist. Sorry, don't believe it, she's too hot. Oh, and she doesn't have enough time in her life to get everything done...yet she's never doing any work...except for the presentation she did. Well, guess what. She's the fucking Flash now. Convenient.

The son, JJ (Jimmy Bennett), is a dumb-ass. He is recommended for remedial classes. Well guess what, fucking teachers, he's super smart now. Convenient.

The daughter, Daphne (Kay Panabaker), is a total bitch. She thinks she's awesome. She can now read minds. She finds out no one likes her. Suck it, bitch! Sidenote: she's 20, so I can have bad thoughts of her butt.

The other people on it are the dad from 7th Heaven (Stephen Collins) and the girl who played Lizzie Grant from the later seasons of Entourage (Autumn Reeser). She's a super nerd in this show. It's kinda hot, but she's not good at being nerdy.

Spoiler Alert: Well, the big conflict near the end of the episode culminates with Jim fighting Nightcrawler. So you know that there are other mutants. It was actually a pretty cool fight too. Nightcrawler was a white guy in the show, but literally disappeared like Nightcrawler did in X2: X-Men United. Oh, it's probably because Disney (ABC) owns Marvel. So I expect to see Magneto as the main villian, and someone will probably have metal claws/bones in season 4...if this show makes it that far.
End Spoiler

Based on the first episode, this show is shit. I'll have to wait for a couple more to make a better judgment. I want it to be good, but it is ABC.

My Triumphant Return: An Open Letter to James Cameron

Dear Mr. Cameron,

I really like you as a director. You have built your career around some of my favorite movies, like Alien, Terminator 2, True Lies, among others. You were a king among men. So why did you have to be the one to unleash upon us the horror of 3D filmmaking? I commend you for devoting your precious time to redefining cinema, but seriously, why did it have to be 3D? Ever since Avatar came out, 3D has been all the rage. The overly fake looking, shiny turd of the cinematic style that 3D brings is being used by every god damn filmmaker looking to be all in-the-now.

But why?

I know one reason is that 3D movie tickets are like $14 a pop and the entertainment industry is a gigantic whore for the money. But that's not my main gripe (right now at least), because I don't pay for movies at the theater (yay connections!). My main gripe with this shit is that the filmmakers are using this technology as a gimmick. Things still pop out at the screen like in the times when you had the red and blue glasses. All playing into the gimmick. No one expands on the technology and makes it a worthwhile experience. So far (if I remember correctly), I have seen Alice In Wonderland, The Last Airbender, Step Up 3D, Piranha 3D, and Resident Evil: Afterlife all in 3D, and the only thing I can say about these movies (besides all of them sucking) is that the 3D hurts the film more than it helps, or adds to it. It makes everything look like its filmed in front of a green screen...which most of it probably is. On top of the crappy gloss that the movie exudes, you have to wear those awful glasses that only hurt my nose.

The ONLY type of movies that should use 3D is animated movies. YOU HEAR THAT HOLLYWOOD??! Whenever I see an animated movie in 3D, it actually looks good. It adds a field of depth and doesn't look overly fake, BECAUSE IT'S FUCKING ANIMATED! I've seen Bolt, How to Train Your Dragon, Toy Story 3, and probably some others and the 3D makes the visuals pop. In a good way.

So Mr. Cameron, please use your clout in Hollywood to donkey-punch this technology into submission. It's fucking useless. Maybe you're just trying to cover up the fact that no one has an original idea anymore. Let's have another remake...in 3D!!!! Fuck yourself, sir. You have ruined cinema after you spent decades making it fun. Congrats.

Now give me a job making Hollywood better.

1500!

...because I can't let the Daily Clusterfuck die when it is so close to reaching 1500 posts.

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