My Triumphant Return: An Open Letter to James Cameron

Dear Mr. Cameron,

I really like you as a director. You have built your career around some of my favorite movies, like Alien, Terminator 2, True Lies, among others. You were a king among men. So why did you have to be the one to unleash upon us the horror of 3D filmmaking? I commend you for devoting your precious time to redefining cinema, but seriously, why did it have to be 3D? Ever since Avatar came out, 3D has been all the rage. The overly fake looking, shiny turd of the cinematic style that 3D brings is being used by every god damn filmmaker looking to be all in-the-now.

But why?

I know one reason is that 3D movie tickets are like $14 a pop and the entertainment industry is a gigantic whore for the money. But that's not my main gripe (right now at least), because I don't pay for movies at the theater (yay connections!). My main gripe with this shit is that the filmmakers are using this technology as a gimmick. Things still pop out at the screen like in the times when you had the red and blue glasses. All playing into the gimmick. No one expands on the technology and makes it a worthwhile experience. So far (if I remember correctly), I have seen Alice In Wonderland, The Last Airbender, Step Up 3D, Piranha 3D, and Resident Evil: Afterlife all in 3D, and the only thing I can say about these movies (besides all of them sucking) is that the 3D hurts the film more than it helps, or adds to it. It makes everything look like its filmed in front of a green screen...which most of it probably is. On top of the crappy gloss that the movie exudes, you have to wear those awful glasses that only hurt my nose.

The ONLY type of movies that should use 3D is animated movies. YOU HEAR THAT HOLLYWOOD??! Whenever I see an animated movie in 3D, it actually looks good. It adds a field of depth and doesn't look overly fake, BECAUSE IT'S FUCKING ANIMATED! I've seen Bolt, How to Train Your Dragon, Toy Story 3, and probably some others and the 3D makes the visuals pop. In a good way.

So Mr. Cameron, please use your clout in Hollywood to donkey-punch this technology into submission. It's fucking useless. Maybe you're just trying to cover up the fact that no one has an original idea anymore. Let's have another remake...in 3D!!!! Fuck yourself, sir. You have ruined cinema after you spent decades making it fun. Congrats.

Now give me a job making Hollywood better.