Hello again folks. Rambo Dakota here with your favorite column on the Daily Clusterfuck...the never ending debate that is the Weekly Would You Rather! As always thanks go out to Mr. Streeter and College Humor from which the WYR is provided every Friday afternoon. This week's edition has quite a few more than usual so that's also a bonus as well as a hilarious one that gets an award. One of these days I will think of one too...but I can usually only be creative with beer. "Stop rambling dude! Get to it already." Alright, away we go...
Would You Rather...
Have to announce to everyone that you're going to take a shit every time or have horrible diarrhea at all the important moments of your life?
These WYR questions just get weirder and weirder by the week eh? In this instance I have to go with announcing the shit because let's be honest it's not always in public places that most of us take those shits so you are usually around people that you know ( e.g. family or friends) who probably just don't care either. In the end, it's a whole lot worse if I were waiting for my first kid to be born and just before they cut the umbilical cord I had to take that horrible diarrhea shit. I'd rather not have to be in that position.
Have 10,000 spoons or a knife?
I just don't get why this is important in any way but does this question beg the question that I can have not one single spoon ever again? I guess you can do a lot with a spoon but Jesus why would I ever want 10,000? For that reason and that reason alone I am going with the knife because let's face it...it's a conversation starter but that conversation does not end well.
Never be able to watch an episode of "The Office" again (new or rerun) or never be able to see your seventh-best friend again?
I do not find "The Office" all that funny, but I have not given it a fair shot either. I don't feel bad about that at all but it just makes for a pretty lopsided answer when you don't care about one of the parts of these kind of questions. I just find it funny that you would say "seventh best friend" instead of like best friend or even next best friend. I don't even know who my seventh best friend is! I could never rank my friends. My answer to this WYR question is I dislike that show...so bye bye "The Office."
Have to give a dollar to every homeless man you see or give them a hug?
I'm a very nice person and all but I am not going to give any homeless man a hug if I don't have to. I don't see that many homeless people unless I'm downtown so I feel I can sacrifice a dollar here and there. I usually give them change if I'm feeling stalked plus I just love to hear "You got change so a brotha can get a Combo meal."
Never stop crying or never stop having a runny nose?
This one is tough because of the obvious constant crying but that runny nose is one of the most annoying things in the fucking world. I don't think I'd want to be crying all day though because I think eventually you would die of dehydration...but it beats a runny nose that would probably eventually make my nose look like Rudolph's.
Be a 60 year old millionaire with a model wife who cheats on you or a poor 25 year old guy who sleeps with rich married models?
Interesting predicament here. Well, if I'm still getting some from the wife even though she cheats AND I am a millionaire I may think about this but, unfortunately for me, I'm just too stuck in my ways. The models are rich but married and they are willing to sleep with me? Did I mention they were models with an "s" at the end? Yeah, thought so. I just cannot have the cheating wife thing because cheating on me is just one of those unforgivable things in my book and I know you're thinking, so you can kick someone out for cheating on you but you don't mind having someone cheat with you?. I'm giving up rich to be poor but I'm getting laid by many rich, albeit married, models...yeah that I can do. I know this sounds like a desperate cry for me to get some pretty nice snatch and, well, it is.
Be a small town girl living in a lonely world or be a city boy born and raised in South Detroit?
Someone was listening to Journey eh? Who would choose to live in a lonely world? Although...South Detroit? Ah big props to Michigan I gotta represent this state to a degree so the winner of this question is South Detroit. I feel good now because I no longer owe the state of Michigan a shout-out! I can now say all the shitty things I want!
Talk in an angry voice when you're happy or talk in a high pitched voice when you're mad?
Me having a high pitched voice period is just something that is hard to imagine. I tend to have a deep voice so I would probably be laughed at when I would get mad based off of the random freakin' pitch that would accompany it. When I'm angry it's more in the tone I don't have that stern voice really. An angry voice is just a moderate change from my normal voice so I could probably pull that one off a little easier than having the puberty pitch when mad.
Have your foot always be asleep or your hand always be asleep?
Another one of those absolutely annoying things that I really would hate to have either of. I guess if your foot was constantly asleep then you could still walk on it but when you're hand is numb from being "asleep" it may lack some function after so long. I guess you would probably just get used to that tingling feeling either way.
Watch King of the Hill DVD special features or go to sleep?
I've maybe watched 10 episodes of King of the Hill in my lifetime. So there I think I brought out the spirit of this question because let's face it, you knew the answer to 99 out of 100 people's responses when you read the question...unless of course you live in like Texas and masturbate to the show because it is so much like your family.
Post my would you rather or be in my suicide note?
This one is just creepy and I'm not sure why Streeter posted it but I figured I'd give you someone who found an easy way to get himself onto a popular website...and I'm not talking about College Humor!
Be Captain Planet or Aquaman?
Didn't we discuss this a few months ago? No one likes Aquaman! Not even Aquaman likes being Aquaman. Need further proof? Watch Robot Chicken's first ever episode. Also, who wouldn't want to be the spokesman for American freedom and liberty? He reflects that we're a free country and the greatest country on Earth as soon as you look at him. That has got to be an awesome feeling...if he was real of course.
Be constantly bored or constantly restless?
Being restless is very frustrating but being bored can be even more frustrating. I guess being restless isn't as bad because you are at least doing something, even though you don't want to do it for too long before moving onto something else. That at least gets you up and about. Plus, if I was constantly bored my manhood would just fall off from overuse.
A guy named Andy sent in a WYR attempt and received Streeter's "Worst WYR Ever" Award for this masterpiece:
Would you rather never cum or always cum?
Way to go Andy! I think that we may know the problems that strike you in the heat of the moment.
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