Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Hey, we made it!
I am making it a personal goal to have more posts than the Simpsons have episodes. So thats like, a gazillion, right?
Maybe I am a day late on this one...
But Tom Cruise has been forbidden by the Germans to shoot a new film basically because of his wacky, zany, and overall fuck-twit beliefs revolving Scientology. While this is not huge news, because not too many people give a shit about Tom Cruise anymore, it is interesting to see Germany do this. I mean, what is really the big deal about him shooting a film there? I doubt that Cruise in Germany will equate to a slew of Germans dropping the bratwurst and getting all geeked for Scientology.
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Afternoon Delight...
This tweakline was so good I had to borrow it from Fark.com..."Bush invites 50 Presidential Scholar high school seniors to White House and is surprised when they hand him a letter asking him to please stop torturing terrorism suspects." Hooray for the students who understand Free Speech.
A reason to turn in/burn/shit on/spit on/and basically curse your Republican card. Right-Wing, I give you your Giuliani. Keywords being: cocaine, failing to attend official meetings, Catholic priest suspended from the church over abuse allegations. Awesome.
Cause of Death in Benoit case revealed. Steroids/drugs may have been involved. Somehow, I'm not surprised.
A reason to turn in/burn/shit on/spit on/and basically curse your Republican card. Right-Wing, I give you your Giuliani. Keywords being: cocaine, failing to attend official meetings, Catholic priest suspended from the church over abuse allegations. Awesome.
Cause of Death in Benoit case revealed. Steroids/drugs may have been involved. Somehow, I'm not surprised.
Really makes you wonder
We all have those times where we simply do not understand something, whether it be life or people or a subject like math or the afterlife. I know I find myself looking at eternity sometimes and try to make sense of it all if it all doesn't work out the way I would like it to...but then I just know that I'll never understand it and go about my day. Something happened over the weekend and Monday...not to me...that made me stop and think about the truly dark side of people.
If you don't watch professional wrestling then you will not know who this person is. Chris Benoit (Ben-wah) was a professional wrestler who was in WCW and WWE before his death on Monday. You may ask why this is such a big deal? Okay, you were a wrestling fan, he was a wrestler and now he's dead...so? As shocked as I was to hear that he was dead (at the age of 40) it was the circumstances surrounding his death, as well as RAW's episode Monday night with a tribute that made me think. If you like to catch up on the story first click here...if not just read on.
Having read that he died without knowing anything at all, just the initial report found me shocked and wondering what happened, as naturally you would. My brother, his buddy Steve, and I started going through theories of what we believed could have happened and Keith ended up getting pretty close to the truth...if the above initial report is true. However, this got me wondering just how much of a face people can put on, as well as how much it could take for what most friends and family labeled a "honorable family man and a wonderful human being" to simply go off the deep end for reasons we may never know. When I was watching RAW this morning (thanks DVR) and listening to all of Benoits coworkers and family talk about what a wonderful guy he was who would do anything for anyone and who always brought his kids with him to events. His kids were dressed up in suits and always polite and shaking hands with anyone who would approach them, a token to the wonderful father he was. You hear nothing but good things and you wonder...why? how? what happened? This guy really did those horrible things? There are always those people who are out in the world that put on one face when they are out and are a totally different person while alone or with "loved ones." Mostly I think of abusers and murderers...which is beginning to be the definition of Benoit. However, I cannot help but find myself in a conundrum:
I know you will never hear bad things about a dead man on national TV but to see the looks on these grown mens faces and see the utter pain that this death is causing them...you always ask yourself why. None of them wanted to be there in front of that camera. That is not because they don't care or they don't want to share their feelings...it's because they shouldn't have to...because this should not have happened, and it should never happen...but it does. I know how they are feeling when you have a close friend (whether your own or a friend of the family) kill themself for seemingly no reason. You are left with shock and disbelief...but sometimes that is taken over by anger for what happened. Tragedy happens in all kinds of ways in this world and you never know who your next door neighbor really is sometimes...but if all of the reports are true and this is what happened...I've lost a lot of respect for a wrestler who gave his life to the business of professional wrestling and who was that supposed "family man." Some of you may read that and say "Hey, there could be a reason for why he did it" or you may think "how can you say that you've lost respect for someone like him?" I'll tell you why...suicide alone gets you no respect in my book, let alone combining it with murder. Suicide is such a "cop out" (for lack of a better term) and simply makes you a weak willed person who just cannot deal with the shitty life you supposedly have. This suicide, unlike the one in my life, was from a man who had a family (a wife, a kid with that wife, and two kids from a previous marriage), who had a job that he loved doing everyday of his life, and is one of the most popular men in his field (beloved by his coworkers, his family, and his fans).
You ask yourself "why?" to questions you probably will never know the answer to. You try to make yourself understand just how human nature works and what it is....but you'll never really know. I just do not understand this...and I may never understand it...but that's okay. Life is uncertain and time is precious. We have all learned that in some way, shape, or form. If you haven't learned that yet, take it from me...say the things you need to say and don't always wait "until tomorrow" because only God knows where you will be in the morning.
If you don't watch professional wrestling then you will not know who this person is. Chris Benoit (Ben-wah) was a professional wrestler who was in WCW and WWE before his death on Monday. You may ask why this is such a big deal? Okay, you were a wrestling fan, he was a wrestler and now he's dead...so? As shocked as I was to hear that he was dead (at the age of 40) it was the circumstances surrounding his death, as well as RAW's episode Monday night with a tribute that made me think. If you like to catch up on the story first click here...if not just read on.
Having read that he died without knowing anything at all, just the initial report found me shocked and wondering what happened, as naturally you would. My brother, his buddy Steve, and I started going through theories of what we believed could have happened and Keith ended up getting pretty close to the truth...if the above initial report is true. However, this got me wondering just how much of a face people can put on, as well as how much it could take for what most friends and family labeled a "honorable family man and a wonderful human being" to simply go off the deep end for reasons we may never know. When I was watching RAW this morning (thanks DVR) and listening to all of Benoits coworkers and family talk about what a wonderful guy he was who would do anything for anyone and who always brought his kids with him to events. His kids were dressed up in suits and always polite and shaking hands with anyone who would approach them, a token to the wonderful father he was. You hear nothing but good things and you wonder...why? how? what happened? This guy really did those horrible things? There are always those people who are out in the world that put on one face when they are out and are a totally different person while alone or with "loved ones." Mostly I think of abusers and murderers...which is beginning to be the definition of Benoit. However, I cannot help but find myself in a conundrum:
I know you will never hear bad things about a dead man on national TV but to see the looks on these grown mens faces and see the utter pain that this death is causing them...you always ask yourself why. None of them wanted to be there in front of that camera. That is not because they don't care or they don't want to share their feelings...it's because they shouldn't have to...because this should not have happened, and it should never happen...but it does. I know how they are feeling when you have a close friend (whether your own or a friend of the family) kill themself for seemingly no reason. You are left with shock and disbelief...but sometimes that is taken over by anger for what happened. Tragedy happens in all kinds of ways in this world and you never know who your next door neighbor really is sometimes...but if all of the reports are true and this is what happened...I've lost a lot of respect for a wrestler who gave his life to the business of professional wrestling and who was that supposed "family man." Some of you may read that and say "Hey, there could be a reason for why he did it" or you may think "how can you say that you've lost respect for someone like him?" I'll tell you why...suicide alone gets you no respect in my book, let alone combining it with murder. Suicide is such a "cop out" (for lack of a better term) and simply makes you a weak willed person who just cannot deal with the shitty life you supposedly have. This suicide, unlike the one in my life, was from a man who had a family (a wife, a kid with that wife, and two kids from a previous marriage), who had a job that he loved doing everyday of his life, and is one of the most popular men in his field (beloved by his coworkers, his family, and his fans).
You ask yourself "why?" to questions you probably will never know the answer to. You try to make yourself understand just how human nature works and what it is....but you'll never really know. I just do not understand this...and I may never understand it...but that's okay. Life is uncertain and time is precious. We have all learned that in some way, shape, or form. If you haven't learned that yet, take it from me...say the things you need to say and don't always wait "until tomorrow" because only God knows where you will be in the morning.
Interesting Look at the Top 20 Movie Insults...
My personal favorite on this list:
NATIONAL LAMPOON’S CHRISTMAS VACATION (1989)
The Insulter: Clark Griswold (Chevy Chase)
The Situation: Not having a happy holidays, Clark reveals his Christmas wish would be to tell his boss the following tirade.
The insult: “You cheap, lying, no good, rotten, floor flushing, low life, snake licking, dirt eating, inbred, over-stuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fatass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spineless, worm-headed sack of monkey shit!”
Listed as #10, I would put it much closer to the top 5. Why? The amazing delivery on this line is absolutely essential to how well it plays. It is almost mesmerizing to watch this display of Mental Breakdown.
NATIONAL LAMPOON’S CHRISTMAS VACATION (1989)
The Insulter: Clark Griswold (Chevy Chase)
The Situation: Not having a happy holidays, Clark reveals his Christmas wish would be to tell his boss the following tirade.
The insult: “You cheap, lying, no good, rotten, floor flushing, low life, snake licking, dirt eating, inbred, over-stuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fatass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spineless, worm-headed sack of monkey shit!”
Listed as #10, I would put it much closer to the top 5. Why? The amazing delivery on this line is absolutely essential to how well it plays. It is almost mesmerizing to watch this display of Mental Breakdown.
Today in History & Quote of the Day Wrapped in a big blanket of Sexy...
"Ich bin ein Berliner" ("I am a citizen of Berlin") is a famous quotation from a June 26, 1963 speech of U.S. President John F. Kennedy in West Berlin. He was underlining the support of the United States for democratic West Germany shortly after the Soviet-supported Communist state of East Germany erected the Berlin Wall as a barrier to prevent movement between East and West.
The speech is considered one of Kennedy's best, and a notable moment of the Cold War. It was a great morale boost for West Berliners, who lived in an enclave deep inside East Germany and feared a possible East German occupation. Speaking from the balcony of Rathaus Schöneberg, Kennedy said,
"Two thousand years ago the proudest boast was civis romanus sum [I am a Roman citizen]. Today, in the world of freedom, the proudest boast is 'Ich bin ein Berliner'...All free men, wherever they may live, are citizens of Berlin, and, therefore, as a free man, I take pride in the words 'Ich bin ein Berliner!'"
*Actual cue card that Kennedy used. It's amazing what one can find on the net.
I must be a fool...
To actually believe in Free Speech...unless I am not a fool, and some fucking morons in the Supreme Court are twats. (Op/Ed goodness after the jump)
A Day of Silence...
Much of the music that you can stream via Internet radio is silent today. Silent because of impending Royalty rate hikes. Sadly, it seems that large music companies no longer care about the product that they are trying to sell, but how much money that can be made by selling it. I hope that this protest works. Retroactive royalties to January 1st of 2006 could easily kill a few small companies while hitting hard the population that listens to Internet radio. Learn more here.
Real American Heroes...
"Victim of Dropped RIAA Lawsuit Sues RIAA, Alleges Illegal Investigation of US Citizens"
We should build this wall...and then see how much water the place can hold.
Just when you thought that Americans couldn't be more selfish, they turn around and surprise you by setting the bar for charitable donations.
We should build this wall...and then see how much water the place can hold.
Just when you thought that Americans couldn't be more selfish, they turn around and surprise you by setting the bar for charitable donations.
Monday, June 25, 2007
Accused...
Of misunderstanding last post and taking it out on a bicycle. Clearly, drinking was involved. Bonus: Hostels actually do have housekeepers.
And most importantly, "hate your fellow fuckwit who stole your piece-of-shit Honda Civic." An opent letter to the public, brought to you by Officer C. Springett, Chula Vista CA.
And most importantly, "hate your fellow fuckwit who stole your piece-of-shit Honda Civic." An opent letter to the public, brought to you by Officer C. Springett, Chula Vista CA.
Today in History...
June 25th, 1947, the Diary of Anne Frank is published for the first time. The Diary of a Young Girl is a book composed of extracts from a diary written by Anne Frank, a young Jewish girl, while she was in hiding for two years with her family during the World War II Nazi occupation of The Netherlands. The family was apprehended in 1944 and Frank ultimately died of typhus in the Bergen-Belsen concentration camp. After the war, the diary was retrieved by Frank's father, Otto Frank.
Quote of the Day...
"I Hope That Movie Gives an Entire Generation of Children Bubonic Plague."
~David Schmader on Ratatouille
~David Schmader on Ratatouille
Free Speech? Are you Fucking Kidding me?
"Bong Hits 4 Jesus" case fails in Supreme Court ruling. "The winning side in the case was quick to assert that the decision was not anti-free speech." Are you absolutely serious Chief Justice Roberts? How is this not a violation of free speech? The argument even goes on to say that Political and Religious speech is still protected, yet how could one not see the political and religious ties in those 4 words? Yes, the students argument is that the phrase was just gibberish. Yes, it is slightly inappropriate to have that sign at an Olympic torch ceremony. But so what? Does that make it so wrong that one could not display the sign? Was there a riot started? Did the torch get so offended that it decided not to burn? No. None of this happened. Yet it seems as if our overtly conservative, anti-change Supreme Court, (which will now be referred to as the Council of Out-of Touch Elderly Fucks and a Couple Good Ones) is on its way to overturning Tinker v. Des Moines.
Tinker v. Des Moines is the case where five public school students (including high school student John Tinker and his sister, jr. high student—Mary Beth Tinker) got suspended for wearing black armbands to school in December 1965 to protest the Vietnam War. They won. Thankfully. In the majority 7-2 opinion, Justice Abe Fortas famously wrote: "It can hardly be argued that students shed their constitutional rights to freedom of speech at the schoolhouse gate."
Great excerpt from the arguments in which Justice Thurgood Marshall speaks with the Des Moines schoolboard lawyer, Allan Herrick.
~
Herrick: We had a situation here where it was explosive… All right. This is page 70, at the top of the Appendix. “A former student at one of our high schools was killed in Vietnam. Some of his friends are still in school. It was felt that if any kind of a demonstration existed, it might evolve into something which would be difficult to control.”
Justice Marshall: Do we have a city in this country that hasn’t had someone killed in Vietnam?
Herrick: No, I think not, Your Honor, but I don’t think it would be an explosive situation in most cases. But if someone is going to appear in court with an armband here, protesting the thing, that it could be explosive. That is the situation we find ourselves in.
Marshall: It COULD be.
Herrick: What?
Marshall: It COULD be. Is that your position? And there is no evidence that it WOULD be? Is that the rule you want us to adopt?
Herrick: No, not at all, Your Honor.
***Update***
The Student Press Law Center has its own response to the article.
Kebert Xela
That's right...take that Trebek! Head back to that fifth dimension...what? You don't know what I'm talking about? Thanks to this clip from "Family Guy" you will.
Now that you've looked at that...someone did it in real life on Jeopardy! Hilarious! Unfortunately I don't think Trebek was impressed...but that guy only had $1 in Final Jeopardy...who cares?!
This place is known as the world's most exclusive hotel...with just one room. I would friggin live here in a heartbeat! Right off the water too.
Finally, have you ever had plans for world domination? No? Here's what would happen if you were to achieve that...Fantastic Four style!
Until next time...unless I get killed for saying this line.
Now that you've looked at that...someone did it in real life on Jeopardy! Hilarious! Unfortunately I don't think Trebek was impressed...but that guy only had $1 in Final Jeopardy...who cares?!
This place is known as the world's most exclusive hotel...with just one room. I would friggin live here in a heartbeat! Right off the water too.
Finally, have you ever had plans for world domination? No? Here's what would happen if you were to achieve that...Fantastic Four style!
Until next time...unless I get killed for saying this line.
Sunday, June 24, 2007
Today in History...
St John's Dance (Dancing mania is the name given to a phenomenon that occurred primarily in mainland Europe from the 14th century through to the 17th century, in which groups of people would dance through the streets of towns or cities, sometimes foaming at the mouth or speaking in tongues, until they collapsed from exhaustion) causes people in the streets of Aachen, Germany, to experience hallucinations and begin to jump and twitch uncontrollably until they collapse from exhaustion. The first major outbreak of the mania was in Aachen, Germany, on June 24th, 1374. The dancers went through the streets screaming of wild visions, and even continued to writhe and twist after they collapsed from exhaustion. The dancing quickly caught on, and spread rapidly throughout France and the Low Countries.
The mania reached its peak in 1418 in Strasbourg. At least one point, so many people had either been afflicted with the dancing mania, or caught up in the dancing, or were trying to give assistance, or simply watching the events unfold, that the town was brought to a complete halt.
Quote of the Day...
"There is a vast world of work out there in this country, where at least 111 million people are employed in this country alone - many of whom are bored out of their minds. All day long."
~Richard Nelson Bolles
~Richard Nelson Bolles
Dirty Teachers Teaching Dirty...
Older sister? Seriously? How do you fuck that up? The girl is only 15!
Thankfully, this is the only one that I found today. I guess the number of sexual discrepancies goes down on the weekend. No class...and good news! Summer break is starting!
Thankfully, this is the only one that I found today. I guess the number of sexual discrepancies goes down on the weekend. No class...and good news! Summer break is starting!
Saturday, June 23, 2007
This kind of freaks me out...
"Our country is rapidly ageing and it is an urgent task to develop robots that can perform tasks only done by humans now," the statement said.
Uh huh...so which futuristic Sci-fi movie with robots doesn't have Man vs. Robot in an all out fight to the finish? Was it Mad Max? Wait, that didnt have robots. Shit, we are so Fucked.
Me too...
It seems that the Message from God billboards have finally gotten some serious competition in the form of a hilarious insult from Satan. (meant to be clever? I am sure. Is it? No, not really.) It also seems that this church has gone to scare tactics to get people to show up. I just dont get the fear-mongering that goes on with most religion. (at least, most religion in the West) It seems that focusing on the reward would be more practical. 70 virgins sounds like on helluva deal in comparison with eternal damnation and hellfire.
Today in History...
On the night of June 23, 1993, Lorena Bobbitt chopped off her husband's penis with a kitchen knife as he lay sleeping in their Manassas, Virginia, home. She then drove off with the severed penis and flung it out her car window. Police performed a diligent search and located it, and it was then surgically reattached by Dr. David E. Berman.
In statements to police, she explained that she had cut off the penis because her husband "raped her" and "wouldn't stop." John contested these accusations by elaborately detailing his allegedly unsuccessful attempts at talking to her the previous night.
Two trials followed this incident. In the first, John faced charges stemming from accusations of assault against Lorena. He was acquitted of this charge in September 1993.
In the second, Lorena was charged with "malicious wounding" of which she was found not guilty in January of 1994[1] on the basis of expert testimony that she was suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) as a result of her husband's abuse. According to her defense lawyers, on the night of the attack, Lorena's PTSD manifested itself in a form of temporary insanity causing an irresistible impulse to sexually wound her husband. As a result, she could not be held liable for her actions. After the jury issued a verdict of not guilty, Lorena was ordered to spend 45 days in a psychiatric hospital.
Lorena and John were divorced in 1995, after 6 years of marriage.
Quote of the Day...
"The darkest places in hell are reserved for those who maintain their neutrality in times of moral crisis."
~Dante Alighieri
~Dante Alighieri
Should be an interesting day...
Yeah, I could definitely use some of that right now. Today has been, well, interesting...Another weekend, another day at work. I leave for work early so that I can run a quick errand only to be stuck in traffic for 45 minutes, completely unable to get anything done, and barely make it in on time. Stepping out of my car I immediately jam my flip-flop protected foot into a small branch that rips through my skin just enough to burn like hell and bleed fucking buckets. Awesome. I hurridly rush inside to find that the morning has been a clusterfuck, my computer is not acting right, and I forgot to bring in a sock for my shoes. In an attempt to remedy the one foot sockless situation I rush back out to my car. (which is actually fucking FAR away) Upon reaching my car, God taunts me with my own stupidity. I forgot to bring keys. I rush back inside, get the keys, swear often, go back to the car, get the sock, come back inside, grab a muddy coffee, and sit down at my desk. Yeah, it should be an interesting day.
Friday, June 22, 2007
College life via Dr. Seuss
Thank you to College Humor for this absolutely true view of college Dr. Seuss style:
This is the College of Philibin-Flast
Please let me know if I'm going too fast.
There's grass on the ground, and in that there are worms,
But the best grass you'll find, is the grass in the dorms.
'Cause we have weed from the island of Wallamanooka
That will fit in quite well with your super, big hookah.
And do not forget about "herbal" Bizunchies.
They will give you a case of unsinkable munchies.
So eat all your Pringles and drink all your beer,
Getting a gut is nothing to fear.
It will happen, I tell you, no matter your diet.
Swallow this pill, come on, bro, just try it.
Then we'll go to that frat party, way over yonder.
Can't find your pants? There's no need to ponder.
The party is pants-less and dance-less and dumb.
And does anyone else see that bird-headed bum?
You heard it from me, kids, that mushrooms are grand.
Hey, which one of you homos just touched my hand?
It doesn't much matter, 'cause college is gay.
I mean that in every possible way.
You'll touch things and be touched with nary a care,
But throw out your pride and be ready to share
Because this here place is one incestuous mass
With herpes and mono and, truly, no class.
Again, I mean that in each sense of the word
Because, you may notice, this place is absurd.
So go kiss your mother and pack up your bong
'Cause, kid, this is college, now get off my lawn.
Here is some pop culture information also from College Humor and I love the headline!
Finally, take a look at a fascinating view of 20 upcoming movies from Premiere.com.
Until next time...Go Tigers!
This is the College of Philibin-Flast
Please let me know if I'm going too fast.
There's grass on the ground, and in that there are worms,
But the best grass you'll find, is the grass in the dorms.
'Cause we have weed from the island of Wallamanooka
That will fit in quite well with your super, big hookah.
And do not forget about "herbal" Bizunchies.
They will give you a case of unsinkable munchies.
So eat all your Pringles and drink all your beer,
Getting a gut is nothing to fear.
It will happen, I tell you, no matter your diet.
Swallow this pill, come on, bro, just try it.
Then we'll go to that frat party, way over yonder.
Can't find your pants? There's no need to ponder.
The party is pants-less and dance-less and dumb.
And does anyone else see that bird-headed bum?
You heard it from me, kids, that mushrooms are grand.
Hey, which one of you homos just touched my hand?
It doesn't much matter, 'cause college is gay.
I mean that in every possible way.
You'll touch things and be touched with nary a care,
But throw out your pride and be ready to share
Because this here place is one incestuous mass
With herpes and mono and, truly, no class.
Again, I mean that in each sense of the word
Because, you may notice, this place is absurd.
So go kiss your mother and pack up your bong
'Cause, kid, this is college, now get off my lawn.
Here is some pop culture information also from College Humor and I love the headline!
Finally, take a look at a fascinating view of 20 upcoming movies from Premiere.com.
Until next time...Go Tigers!
Breaking out the Classics...
This is one of the best Op/Ed pieces that I have read in a college paper...and it is so, so true.
"Recently, a few friends and I coined a term that I love. Never before, in recent memory, has a phrase stirred my mind's eye or filled my heart with such hilarity. The term to which I refer is, of course, "The Ugly Lights." What are The Ugly Lights? When does one see them? Why are they so damn ugly? How do they have anything to do with sex?
The Ugly Lights are those especially bright lights that are turned on near closing time in a bar. A staple of bar-goer lore, children of The Ugly Lights respect them and know them well. Thou shalt not disrespect The Ugly Lights, for they shalt disrespect you back. If alcohol is a social lubricant, The Ugly Lights are a dry fuck with the lights on.
In the strictest sense, "ugly" refers not to the lights themselves necessarily, but to the people now illuminated by the lights. You see, the dimly lit landscape of the bar scene before last call provides ultimate seclusion and an element of mystery for every insecure 20- or 30-something who dares dabble in New York nightlife. Cloaked in the velvet backdrop of the crowded bar, patrons revel in the consistent yet timid flicker of candles and bouncing shadows produced by faintly lit lamps. Sexual prowlers, now armed with anonymity and a vodka-cran, can roam freely and comfortably while seeking sexual diversion.
But at 4 a.m. the jaunty sexual antics end. In a broader sense, "ugly" refers to the events that may ensue at closing time when the loss of both booze and ambiguity comes to fruition. Maybe a fight breaks out. Maybe you momentarily make eye contact with someone you made out with at the bar last month. Maybe you bump into your ex, who then gives you a full discourse on how you wronged him or her or both during the relationship and during its dissolution. Closing time at a bar isn't a pretty sight-the ugly lights complement ugly business.
As members of the elite group of individuals who enjoy a tasty beverage far too often, we have a duty to our fellow drinkers to go forth and add ... no, force this term into the general bar vernacular. And it already has begun. The other night several friends and I were out at a bar and I asked the bartender, "How long until The Ugly Lights come on?" The bartender responded, "What are the ... Oh, about 15 minutes." One down and 10 million more New Yorkers to go.
Sexual networking in the bar/nightclub scene provides an advantage over typical meet-and-greets: 1) There's alcohol; 2) It's dark; and 3) It's loud. No one knows your name or your face and the music is too loud to discuss the weather or politics. It provides maximum exposure with very little pressure. It's like being on a date with hundreds of people you don't know very well and knowing that afterwards they'll definitely be some nookie in sight. Don't believe me? Since February 14, the NYC Department of Health and Mental Hygiene has provided free NYC-themed condoms to hundreds of bars and their patrons across the city-a list of these establishments is available online. Someone in their offices recognized the power of The Ugly Lights, no doubt.
An occasional romp in such a setting is fine by me, but don't throw caution to the wind. In my opinion, those who frequent these nocturnal hotspots all too often aren't usually of the dating caliber, and The Ugly Lights remind us of this.
The moment of The Ugly Light is a defining one for every bar-goer. It is here that any haziness vanishes and life comes into blinding focus. Like looking into Stephen King's Dead Lights, one is rooted to the floor unable to conjure any kind of thought or will any kind of movement. Only seconds away from being corralled out the door by the now not-so-friendly bar-backs and bouncers, the patron is faced with the unenviable task of surveying the vast wasteland of desperation and deciding whether to walk home alone or with company. For the followers of The Ugly Lights are a self-selecting breed. People possessing any kind of sexual orb have invoked their wizardry long ago and since left the bar with a hottie or two by their side. What remains is the seedy underbelly of the bar. Once cloaked in dim light and loud music, it now lies fully exposed.
And so, friends, take this lesson: The Ugly Lights are a power not to be feared or shunned, but rather to be used with knowing caution and restraint. Wielded wisely and respectfully while monitoring your alcohol consumption and allowing thoughts of safer sex to dance through your head, they can be used to your advantage. Allow them into your life every now and again, but don't abuse them.
The next time you find yourself bathed in The Ugly Lights, please remember: you're not still there because you couldn't find a hookup, nor are you still there because you're ugly. You're still there because you want to be. You have a good reason. And that smell of desperation? That's coming from the other children."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
