This is one of the best Op/Ed pieces that I have read in a college paper...and it is so, so true.
"Recently, a few friends and I coined a term that I love. Never before, in recent memory, has a phrase stirred my mind's eye or filled my heart with such hilarity. The term to which I refer is, of course, "The Ugly Lights." What are The Ugly Lights? When does one see them? Why are they so damn ugly? How do they have anything to do with sex?
The Ugly Lights are those especially bright lights that are turned on near closing time in a bar. A staple of bar-goer lore, children of The Ugly Lights respect them and know them well. Thou shalt not disrespect The Ugly Lights, for they shalt disrespect you back. If alcohol is a social lubricant, The Ugly Lights are a dry fuck with the lights on.
In the strictest sense, "ugly" refers not to the lights themselves necessarily, but to the people now illuminated by the lights. You see, the dimly lit landscape of the bar scene before last call provides ultimate seclusion and an element of mystery for every insecure 20- or 30-something who dares dabble in New York nightlife. Cloaked in the velvet backdrop of the crowded bar, patrons revel in the consistent yet timid flicker of candles and bouncing shadows produced by faintly lit lamps. Sexual prowlers, now armed with anonymity and a vodka-cran, can roam freely and comfortably while seeking sexual diversion.
But at 4 a.m. the jaunty sexual antics end. In a broader sense, "ugly" refers to the events that may ensue at closing time when the loss of both booze and ambiguity comes to fruition. Maybe a fight breaks out. Maybe you momentarily make eye contact with someone you made out with at the bar last month. Maybe you bump into your ex, who then gives you a full discourse on how you wronged him or her or both during the relationship and during its dissolution. Closing time at a bar isn't a pretty sight-the ugly lights complement ugly business.
As members of the elite group of individuals who enjoy a tasty beverage far too often, we have a duty to our fellow drinkers to go forth and add ... no, force this term into the general bar vernacular. And it already has begun. The other night several friends and I were out at a bar and I asked the bartender, "How long until The Ugly Lights come on?" The bartender responded, "What are the ... Oh, about 15 minutes." One down and 10 million more New Yorkers to go.
Sexual networking in the bar/nightclub scene provides an advantage over typical meet-and-greets: 1) There's alcohol; 2) It's dark; and 3) It's loud. No one knows your name or your face and the music is too loud to discuss the weather or politics. It provides maximum exposure with very little pressure. It's like being on a date with hundreds of people you don't know very well and knowing that afterwards they'll definitely be some nookie in sight. Don't believe me? Since February 14, the NYC Department of Health and Mental Hygiene has provided free NYC-themed condoms to hundreds of bars and their patrons across the city-a list of these establishments is available online. Someone in their offices recognized the power of The Ugly Lights, no doubt.
An occasional romp in such a setting is fine by me, but don't throw caution to the wind. In my opinion, those who frequent these nocturnal hotspots all too often aren't usually of the dating caliber, and The Ugly Lights remind us of this.
The moment of The Ugly Light is a defining one for every bar-goer. It is here that any haziness vanishes and life comes into blinding focus. Like looking into Stephen King's Dead Lights, one is rooted to the floor unable to conjure any kind of thought or will any kind of movement. Only seconds away from being corralled out the door by the now not-so-friendly bar-backs and bouncers, the patron is faced with the unenviable task of surveying the vast wasteland of desperation and deciding whether to walk home alone or with company. For the followers of The Ugly Lights are a self-selecting breed. People possessing any kind of sexual orb have invoked their wizardry long ago and since left the bar with a hottie or two by their side. What remains is the seedy underbelly of the bar. Once cloaked in dim light and loud music, it now lies fully exposed.
And so, friends, take this lesson: The Ugly Lights are a power not to be feared or shunned, but rather to be used with knowing caution and restraint. Wielded wisely and respectfully while monitoring your alcohol consumption and allowing thoughts of safer sex to dance through your head, they can be used to your advantage. Allow them into your life every now and again, but don't abuse them.
The next time you find yourself bathed in The Ugly Lights, please remember: you're not still there because you couldn't find a hookup, nor are you still there because you're ugly. You're still there because you want to be. You have a good reason. And that smell of desperation? That's coming from the other children."
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