The Big Come Down

Well, life has been hell since Lollapalooza.


It's like even though it's nice to actually have a weekend where I'm home, it reminds me how much I loathe this city. I hate the people here, the attitude here, the fact that I regularly meet crackheads, cokeheads, methheads, junkies. That it doesn't matter how hard I try to be friendly, and accommodating, and a good person. Nobody cares here. I'm still sitting here with maybe one real friend, who's moving back to Noblesville in 2 weeks anyway. I work so damn hard for nothing. Jessy doesn't even have to be nice to people and she still has them all begging to be her friend. I cooked a meal which took me almost 2 hours to prepare for her and a couple other people, cleaned up the vast majority of the apartment, and she didn't come back until a half hour before it was done. And told me indirectly that she just lied to me when she said she was coming home to clean up. Instead she hung out with other friends smoking joints with townies in the park. The closest thing I got to a thank you was "these potatoes are amazing." But the thing is it's not even that I'm mad at her, despite the fact that I can't wait til she leaves. The 20 mins I see her every few days are still more social interaction than I get on a regular basis. I'm embarrassed to even call someone because I've reached a point where I'm so desperate that I'm afraid the first person who will agree to spend time with will hear the story of my whole life because I want someone to get me, to give a crap, to see something in me that I have been incapable of showing since I broke up with Ben and all of his friends.
on a quick positive note, at least I saw Ben the other night and he seemed genuinely interested in how I was doing and wanted to hang out. Kinda sad that my group of friends from last year all ended up a bunch of coke addicts though.

I sit at home and contemplate the people I can't call. Most of them are acquaintances, or guys I've been on failed dates with. I want to meet people that I can actually spend time with. Someone I know I can call who will want to see me. A group of people I know I can sit and shoot the shit with, or watch tv with, and have it be fine. Just some damn company. I miss East Lansing so much, which is pretty depressing considering I never was all that much into it in the first place. At least I had friends.

Lolla was just a tease. Three days with three of my best friends in the world, seeing yet another 2 of my best friends for part of the time, along with more people who I care about. Smiling laughing telling jokes. I hardly ever do that here. And this year will undoubtedly be worse now that Sian is getting ready to move away, and I'll just be spending my time teaching class. I woke up at 6:30 this morning and couldn't sleep. So I just came to work an hour and a half early. Hence why I'm writing this post. I'm going to this underground sound festival this weekend with a girl I've talked to once and a total stranger. And I don't care. Originally I was just planning on going by myself because there's nobody who'd want to go with me. The only thing I know that I can count on here is music. And if that means that I have to spend some time with just me and the music, then so be it, I don't have a lot of other options.

I've gotta get out of here, and I'm trapped for the next year and a half. I only pray that I get into a summer program next summer so I won't have to spend another one in this hell hole, and maybe with any luck, make a couple singer friends, who I can promptly leave behind when I have to come back.

I wake up, I try to scream, I try to shout, but I'm held down. I don't know what it is, I don't know where I am, I don't know where I'm going. Just go around walking in circles, looking for a way out, looking for the sound that's gonna hold me down.
Take two steps backwards, two steps forwards, go round and round. Think positive, keep out the negative, go round and round.