Quote of the Day

Denny to me: "You're like a teddy bear on Ecstacy!"

My response: "What?"

His response to me: "I have no idea how you are even close to what I just said."

I return to the blog upset and annoyed

This is not a typical post that you think would be something to do with myself having an issue personally. No, it is not that. I just watched "Deal or No Deal" because once it is on I cannot stop watching it....plus it was an episode with a bunch of NFL players and a guy wearing a Peyton Manning jersey, so naturally.

I know what you're thinking...how could you be annoyed at that? You'd think you'd be in heaven right? Oh no. I am all for the sanctity of marriage and hope to be happily wed one day but if she does to me what this chick did to him I will slit her Achilles. Get this...

He still has the $750,000 and $1 million case left but he has been offered the following...

- A fully loaded 2008 GMAC Denali w/ full tailgating equipment (chairs, tables, coolers)
- 4 season tickets to his favorite NFL team
- Tickets to practice sessions (on the field)
- Sideline passes to several of the games as well
- A private backstage tour of NFL Network studios
- Two footballs signed by the World Champion Indianapolis Colts
- Honorary captain of one game where he also throws out the game ball (which they don't normally do in football)
- Tickets to Super Bowl 42 as well as the SB 42 concert series...all expenses paid
--Now this much is worth approx. $66,000 right now...but there's more--
-$50,000 to top it off

GRAND TOTAL: $166,000

If you were me, you would stroke out and I would kiss Howie Mandel and that creepy banker. There are so many of these things that are once in a lifetime. Oh, but did I mention...he's married? She gave him the look of death and asked "Will this money get you out of your student debts so we can live comfortably?" To this I replied: "OH SCREW YOU BITCH!"

My mom asked me if I would take that prize and within a split second after "Would you" I said "You bet your ass!" $50,000 is nothing to shake your stick at. What did he do? She looked at him with those deadly eyes and he said "No deal" to which I felt like I just got kicked in the balls and I'm sure it felt much worse for him. He about fainted when he heard the prize being offered, he had to sit down!

My point is...God how I would make her sleep on the couch or slap the biatch. He ended up taking a $194,000 deal when he had the $1 million in his case on the table but I digress. Yes, I know that a million bucks is a million bucks but how many of those things listed above are once in a lifetime to someone who treasures the game of football as many of us do. Priceless gifts only the NFL could give. But no, she wants them both to be happy and live comfortably and I understand that...and he may be in her good graces but I'll damn sure tell you that she is not in his. Oh how upset I was....ah...feel better already.

Sorry, Bro!

Didn't mean to block your cock last night. I thought you all came home at once. If I would have known, I would have guided the cock towards the prize. With all honesty though, nothing would have happened unless you kicked Hank out of the room for the night. Power to the people!

Sick Day

So for the first time in a long time I'm taking a sick day. Some observations so far:

The day a new Mars Volta and a new Ott cd come out is a great day to take off.

I don't buy very many cds anymore. I need to start actually saying "albums" when I download. stupid technology era

Daytime TV sucks.

"For Richer and for Poorer" with Tim Allen and Kirstie Alley is still just as spectacularly average as it always was, and offers mild chuckles to those who can't find anything to watch.

Best naughty word dubbing ever: "That Buzzard!" "That Witch!"

College is really good about making you feel like you're not allowed to miss classes, even for legitimate reasons. Not to say that it was totally legit, but I'm exhausted and I feel really poorly. So there.

Does it make me insane that I sometimes turn everything else off and watch the itunes visualizer for over an hour when I'm listening to a new album? Does this make me less or more crazy than the fact that I frequently watch tv on mute with closed captioning on and music playing?

That's all for now! Cottonmouth out

Hey now guys!

You know I love you all!!! I'm just giving you crap.

Much love. Come visit me

Last Night I Made a Discovery

I went out to the bar last night to celebrate my friend getting a job and moving to Maryland. While at the bar, we met a couple of ladies. I was talking to one of them and realized that we had nothing to talk about. That got me thinking...my game shows up at random intervals. Some days I can spit some amazing game and others I just fall flat on my face. Most of the time its the latter. I'm just waiting to find that one girl that triggers something in my head and gives me loads of things to talk to her about with no awkward pauses and everything goes perfectly. I don't know where or when that will happen, but I know I will never give my hopes up. I just have to be in the right place at the right time. Until then, here's a picture:

Mute Math

Not that ANY OF YOU HORSEFUCKERS EVER WRITE ON HERE ANYMORE, but...

I discovered the band Mute Math the other day. I'm pretty much in love. 1 part Incubus, 1 part Radiohead, 1 part Minus the Bear, 1 part God knows what. It's tight as hell though

I would suggest checking out the tracks "Chaos", "Plan B" and "Stare at the Sun"

They were at Bonnaroo at least once... too bad I didn't know about them then. Story of my life!

Cottonmouth out

I'm not as clever as David!

So I'm not creating a catchy header. too fuckin bad

When I listened to this cd [Sound of Silver by LCD Soundsystem] for the first time on the ride home to Bloomington, I'll admit
I wasn't all that impressed. Me and David had agreed to do this review thing though, and
the more I heard the tracks around town in stores and restaurants, the more I realized
they had grown on me without me noticing. So I'm giving it a second look with a perhaps
opener mind. Yeah I used opener as an adjective, deal with it.

So we start out with "Get Innocuous!" with an understated drum machine holding down the
fort til a bouncy bass-line, sustained piano chords, and a heavy beat eventually take
over the show and remind us that this is going to be a dance album. The song starts
sounding like a mash-up between daft punk and some long-forgotten 80s pop band... in the
best possible way. The texture thins out near the end and adds some radiohead-esque
trippy synthesised strings in the background which carry us with a high harmonic into...

"Time To Get Away". Now we a have a minimal, almost white-stripes sound to begin the
next track. The groove settles in and the percussion section livens things up a bit- the
song grows in intensity basically through the end, but despite it's catchy hook, it
didn't grab my attention nearly as much as the opening track. Although I suppose having
a slight lull in a dance album can be a necessity :)

"North American Scum" is a clever tongue-in-cheek satire on our continent's stereotypes.
With a throbbing bass line and simple guitar line, this song is just fun. James Murphy's
vocal stylings take the lead here, which again (as many critics agree) sound like a not
so distant memory of 80s pop music.

Now we've got another more synthetic track - "Someone Great" - with turntable squeals and
a pulsing sample in the background. The mood relaxes with the introduction of the voice,
but some clever bass moments and the bubbly guitar keep it driving forward. I'm dying
for this track to hit a bigger climax, but alas that is not the way it went. I still like it though

The stuttering unsteady piano at the beginning of "All My Friends" reminds me just a
LITTLE too much of trying to teach little kids piano lessons, but soon the drums set the
beat straight and the song takes off. This song is a little repetitive for my tastes, and like "Time To Get Away" just doesn't really grab me.

It occurs to me that I've not been paying attention to the lyrics barely at all... hmmm. I guess that's just not what I pay the most attention to when I first hear a song.

Next comes "Us V Them" A funky little number that's the most danceable we've come across since the opening track. Another silly, fun song with lots of creative percussion (especially at the build-up where they start saying "us and them..."). The bass line is just great.

The tempo stays up for "Watch The Tapes", which with the right speakers could get anyone's toes tapping. A short little track that gets your blood pumping again.

The title track conjures up images of Daft Punk again for me, with funny (if somewhat random) lyrics. By far one of my favorite tracks on this album, the build-ups are more subtle and the song is a lot more varied than some of the other tracks. The trippy keyboards and percussion bring back in the "vocals" again before the bass gets a moment to shine. This is another track that'll get you dancing no matter who you are.

The final track is such a change from the rest of the album that it scarcely seems to be by the same band. The lovely, heart-felt ballad shows a side of LCD Soundsystem that has not even been hinted at - jazzy and poignant this is another highlight of the album for me. I'll admit I'm a sucker for acoustic bass... The heavier guitar and drums near the end speak louder than some of the lyrics, and the final straightforward outro ends the album very effectively.

So in conclusion...

I WANT to like this album more. The tracks I like, I love. "Get Innocuous!" and the last two tracks are brilliant. And there are a lot of great musical ideas, but sometimes I feel like more thought could have been put into fleshing them out - but this doesn't surprise me, because I would be more into the dance aspect of the band than the punk aspect, and I knew that going into this album. In short, Sound of Silver makes me want to check out more of the band, but I don't think that I would listen to it on a religious basis like some other cds I've found recently.

final answer: 4/5

p.s. This album was acclaimed as one of the best of 2007. I believe that this was a good album, but just not necessarily my cup of tea. You should check it out for yourself :)

The Sound of 'Silver' is right

LCD Soundsystem is the musical project of a producer, James Murphy. Sounds of Silver was the second release from Murphy on March 12, 2007. It was highly acclaimed when it came out.
When I first heard about LCD Soundsystem, I thought it was just another techno album with pounding back beats and loud annoying noises. As you’ll read, I was terribly wrong:

Get Innocuous
This song is a great opener with a solid groove. It is complete with a catchy chant phrase in the middle of the song which is always. This first makes me beg the question, “Was this a B-Side to Ziggy Stardust?” I mean, you cannot deny the obvious David Bowie-esque way that this song flows with its almost lazy lyric lines. It’s a very good song with just enough variation on the main theme to keep the interest in the song for all seven minutes. Off to a good start. Favorite musical part: The slightly palm muted guitar riding the beat for most of the way. 4/5. (Yes, I looked up to see what Innocuous means: harmless. Let’s get harmless!)

Time to Get Away
In the first seconds of this song, my head immediately started bopping and didn’t quit. The lyrical quality mirrors the vocals of Bands like Ima Robot, where the vocals are merely another melody to this song and it doesn’t matter if you are a master opera singer. You have to love the attempt (and succession) of a solid high vocal part. The bass kicks it through this song and the extra percussion comes in at the exact time it should. It has a very classy fake ending to the song and rocks it until the end Not as good as its preceding song but not far behind. Favorite musical part: The keyboard accents that come in threes in the pre-chorus and chorus. 3.75/5

North American Scum
Ah, the single. It seems like the song is going to be exciting for the first moments (a very monotone, low, rumbling synthesizer). The very millisecond that the verse starts, this song stands out definitely as the single. It has that certain catchy radio quality. The post-chorus/ verse 2 has a great guitar part that keeps even the punk-rawkers interested. ::points to self:: The extra female vocals on parts add a touch of class and Architecture in Helsinki sound to it. Awesomeness, sheer awesomeness. Finally, we have an anthem for all of us, North American Scum. Don’t blame the Canadians! Favorite musical part: The aforementioned guitar part. 4.5/5.

Someone Great
Postal Service comes to mind. This song is the first one that actually had deeper lyrics and a message or story to tell. The lines that grabbed me the most is: “I miss the way we used to argue,” or “And it keeps coming until the day it stops and then it keeps it coming.” This song would have to be the stereotyped “ballad” of a CD and it is a damn good one. It keeps it slowly and doesn’t add anything fancy because it doesn’t need it. It’s hard to find a good electronically themed band that can keep it not complicated. Solid. Favorite musical part: The lyrics! 3/5

All My Friends
This song has a great piano part that begins to build up the song. It very reminiscent of the way “One Big Holiday” made me listen to music. (Remember those Sweet Sounds Vol. 6 days!) This has a brilliant reference to Pink Floyd. “Set the controls for the heart of the sun.” I kept waiting for this song to change unfortunately and it never really came. I mean, seven and a half minutes, c’mon. Favorite musical part: The repetitious music saved by the beautifully melodic vocals. 3/5.

Us v. Them
I know I shouldn’t constantly compare this band to another band for every song, but it’s a compliment (since the bands that are being compared are my favorites). This song screams Beck…and in a really effin’ sweet way. It is the Beck that I love. You know, the smooth and groovy stuff. A porn-ish silky bass line rides the majority of the song and makes me feel it all through my body. I find it to be a really nice party-feeling song. Favorite musical part: The killer toms beginning at 6:53 and the soft “bells” at 0:45 in the song. 4.5/5.

Watch The Tapes
This song caught me off guard. It has a classic punk rock introduction a la Johnny Ramone. This song, my friend, is a stand out track. It blend so many sounds together. It holds a very simple beat, and holds a certain “basement Indy band” feel. It seems to cram a lot of words into the shortest song on the album. Yet always keeping my favorite line in every verse, “We’re both high high high, high high on lemon sips,” and always replacing the second line with something more clever than the one before. Outstanding. Favorite Musical part: Lemon sips, duh. 5/5.

Sound of SilverNow, to me, a title track has some certain expectations it has to which it must live up. It should represent the entire album and it should be an amazing track. This song did not disappoint. Although all of the lyrics can be fit into a small paragraph:

sound of silver talk to me
makes you want to feel like a teenager
until you remember the feelings of
a real life emotional teenager
then you think again

Now the music is what the song is about. This is the first song that really made me remember that this was an electronic band. It has a psychedelic pseudo-jam blending right into the end of this track. It was quite the change of pace from the rest of the album. (Then again, does this album have a pace?) Favorite musical part: All of it (cop out.) 4/5.

New York, I Love You But Your Bringing Me Down
This song is about how disappointed he is in the city as a whole of New York. It is completely different than anything else on the album and from what I’ve heard; different from anything he’s ever done. It is a very well written song with some very witty lyrics. It is definitely a favorite on the album. Favorite Musical part: “New York, I love you but you’re freaking me out \ There’s a ton of the twist \ But we’re fresh out of shout.” 4/5.

By my calculation, this album received 35.75/45 or a 79.44% but in my class, I grade on a curve so I think this album would get a solid grade of 85% or a B. This is a great album and I would suggest it to anyone. Silver is the right metal to describe this album, not quite gold. Peace.

R.I.P. Heath Ledger

Tuesday, Jan. 22, 2008:
"Heath Ledger, the talented 28-year-old actor who gravitated toward dark, brooding roles that defied his leading-man looks, was found dead Tuesday in a Manhattan apartment, face-down and naked at the foot of his bed with prescription sleeping pills nearby, police said.

There was no obvious indication that the Australian-born Ledger had committed suicide, NYPD spokesman Paul Browne said."

That is a tragic loss. Now, I didn't like all of Heath Ledger's movies, but I did like him as an actor. I believe he will play a great Joker and it is sad he will never be able to reprise that roll. He will be missed.

Goodbye fair ciggies

So I'm gonna go to the store and buy myself a pack of cigarettes. And then when it's done, I'm done smoking down here. Ben and Kristin are both on the verge of quitting, and I figured that's a good idea for me too because, alas, I have the self control of a lemming and as soon as I see someone light up, I want one. And not only that but there's actually a campus wide ban on smoking - i.e. no smoking outside of any buildings as long as you are on university campus. I don't know what exactly they're hoping to accomplish by doing this, but I don't make the rules. So that's it. I'm writing this here so I have documentation if I lapse back in to it, and can thus feel even shittier about myself than normal.
Cottonmouth out

The Song Remains the Same

So as a conscientious outside observer on these recent goings-downs within the apartment, I have a couple things to point out to y'all.

It's obviously gettin to be wintertime, because there's a lot of pissyness. And if you guys think that this is any change from in the past, you're mistaken. How many times did I have to yell at people over the last few years about leaving beer cans and cigarettes and trash on the coffee tables [my eyes drift from the computer screen to the cigarette burn on the table, no doubt the product of no one listening to me about how plastic cups and paper plates are not ashtrays...]. The fact of the matter is, and I say this dripping with the most HONEST LOVE for you all: you are all a bunch of lazy pothead slobs. I am too. Most people who spend the majority of their time being stoned are. There's nothing wrong with it. But it's something that you have to learn to deal with, because when those dubs show up at the door at 2 in the morning when everyone's on the verge of passing out, I will bet you no one will take their trash to the garbage can until the next day. Or the next week. You'd be amazed how little time it takes to clean up - and I agree with Hock, cleaning up does not mean clearing off the coffee table of trash. And despite the fact that I disagree with his passive aggressive way of bringing it up, don't fool yourselves into thinking it's the first time you've heard this, and play the martyr and say that it was because of bottling up annoyed feelings. It's your fucking home - nobody should HAVE to tell you to clean up after yourselves. And in my past experiences, even when I DID tell people to clean up after themselves, they usually didn't.

I live by myself now, and as lonely as it gets, I'll tell you one thing - my place stays looking nice. I don't work hard at it. I have swept and vacuumed once each since I moved in, and the most actual cleaning I do is getting a towel wet and wiping down things that are sticky or look gross. It doesn't stay immaculate, but I know I can always invite someone over and not be embarrassed.

so, to sum up, you guys will either learn to pick up after yourselves, or you won't. And until you do, you will continue to have people nagging at you to do so. Or you'll just live in flith. Your call.

And Hock - as long as there is no catalyst for something to change its behavior, in general it will not. Don't assume that because people haven't picked up on this shit it's because they're lazy or ignorant of it.

Much love to you all, I hope this didn't come across as super mean.
PEACE BITCHES!!!

That Bowl I Didn't Smoke of that Weed I No Longer Have Must Have Been Delicious...

You read that correctly, and I am super not pleased about the arrangement.

Goodbye, my little green friend. When we first met I was just a wide-eyed young man, sailing lost in a crisp blue ocean searching for pirate treasure. A storm approached from the west with such a fury that tore into my ship, ripping the mast out. The ship, my Righteously Ridiculous Rabi Raft, began to break in twain as the waves continued to crash. Everything went black...
...when I awoke the sun burned white hot into my eyes, I was on an island I had never seen before. But, you know, it is your typical island in the middle of no where; beautiful beaches, coconut trees aplenty, almost constantly active volcano, Wilson, those weird kids from Lord of the Flies chasing after some bullshit green eyed monster, well hidden buried treasure, parrots. That kind of stuff. Oh, and a fully staffed and operational Denny's. But they have some jackass rule about not smoking until 9pm during the week so it doesn't get much business during the day. Oh, and there is a bar. Any bar you want it to be. It doesn't matter which one, just pick and that is what you will see. It's magical...
...when my arch nemesis, Evil Chuck Norris, arrived to see if I was actually dead I showed him just how not dead I was. With my sword. And stabbing. It was pretty intense, actually. He was all, "so it seems you ARE alive." And I was all, "Yep" At which point I stabbed him. I went for the stomach but ended up going through his rib cage, catching a bit of bone on the way through. Then he was all, "FUCK!" And I was all, "Yep." Because that probably fucking hurt. A lot. And then he died and all of his crew asked to be my crew and I said yes. Then I poisoned all of them at dinner. It seemed like a good idea at the time until I realized that captaining a ship fucking sucks if you don't have anyone to captain. At that point I decided that I was totally fucking screwed so I went onto the main deck and asked Poseidon to give me a crew that I could "hang out" with. Poseidon said that would be cool. My crew was fascinating to watch and "hang out" with. They only wanted to sit on couches and listen to/play music and have weirdly fun conversation. The experience was something else, I'll tell you what. People would come up on the main deck and "hang out" for a bit, possibly change the music. Land was nearing...
...Anyway, somebody smoked it.

Basically, what I have learned is that I can no longer hope that if I leave anything on the coffee table it should be there when I return.

But oh, what was on said coffee table?



The saddest bag on the entire planet: An empty bag of hope.

Initially, throats were to be cut. However, I sat down for a cigarette and decided that I would only be amusingly enraged. Here is where it gets a little tricky...what does it mean to be amusingly enraged? Well, my friends, it means that I am still pretty pissed about this but can still laugh about it. Which is good, because I probably will not be upset for very long.

And, upon further review, it is entirely possible that I am upset with no one because I could easily have used it last night without remembering. So yeah, whatever.

*The Italics were added during a wonderful rewrite.

PS-If you can guess the line where I got really stoned you win a prize!

hmm

So I just interviewed for an assistantship.

and I made a total ass of myself.

So, long story short, there's a VERY HIGH chance that I may not go to school next year. I'm sick of classes, and singers, and always being nervous about the fact that I (OH MY GOD) like to party. I absolutely love my friends here (even though I still miss you all like crazy) and I would be quite happy just working and making some money to pay off these loans. I'll still take voice lessons and all, but seriously, I'm so fucking over school. Also I'm bored like all the time because it doesn't take up enough of my life. I'm sick of feeling like I'm just sitting around waiting until Ben and his friends are available before I can do anything besides sit at home by myself and watch tv. It's not healthy. And speaking of which, I'm such a codependent mess that I feel depressed whenever I CAN'T hang out with him. I just don't know what to do - if he were to break up with me (which I don't think would happen but still) I would lose basically my entire group of friends. I don't know what to do.

I miss you guys

Well, I've Decided to Come Back...

...and post again. The only thing is, I don't have much to talk about right now. At the end of this month I'll be 23 years old. Do you know what that means? I'll be 23, still in school, still not knowing what the fuck I want/need to do with my life, and fucking horny as hell. This sucks. I don't feel like doing much anymore. My rationale for doing things depends on my roommates and not on what I want to do. That is a piss-poor way of living life. Although, I guess I'm better off than these twins.

Well, anyways, my experiment is a success so far. I've been intentionally putting the toilet paper on the bathtub edge (closest spot to the wall where the dispenser is) to see if anyone in this apartment will put forth the effort to take the 10 seconds it takes to change the toilet paper and actually put it on the dispenser. So far its been 3 days since its been changed and I've moved the toilet paper roll back to the tub at least 5 times so far...the laziness continues.

Apparently I can't work on Saturdays without being yelled at. The one time Larz wants to stay up here for a weekend, he gets pissed off that I want to help out my boss (for bargaining power) and make extra money for myself. That's just some selfish bullshit. I can see where he's coming from and I didn't have to take the shift, but damn, if you want to make money in this country you're gonna have to make some sacrifices.

So Larz bought Mass Effect yesterday...I wanted to play that with him...I wanted that to happend with Bioshock too..but he has nothing but time and I actually have to do shit, so more than likely I'll have to go back and play everything over again anyways. That's how this apartment handles things, whatever is the most inefficient way of doing thing is the best way of doing things. I really hope everyone watches him play that game, just so I can make them sit through it again when I play it. Yeah, it may be twisted, but I'm sick of being pushed out of my apartment, so to speak. That might be a little harsh, but I don't really know how else to say it. Basically, for all of ya'll that are going to read this, I want someone to take the tiniest bit of initiative and clean something (bathroom, kitchen floor, vacuum, whatever) and I don't just mean clean up all the random trash that accumulates on the table. That's not cleaning, that's throwing away your trash. That's another thing (and this is no attack, I'm not blaming this on anyone) but I hate our coffee table. It just breeds trash and is an amazing haven for ash. I have a theory that all the nice electronics that I own breaks because no one knows how to take care of a fucking electronic device. I can't even bring this up to anyone because no one ever gives a shit about anything around here. I hope that if I live in this city next year that none of the bills are in my name...fuck that...

I Hate Pitchfork

Yeah you heard me all you indie fuckers- I hate pitchfork. So I like this German group Modeselektor. They gave their newest cd 7.4 - which is a fine score, although I believe it merits higher than that. But let me give you a run down of what was established in this interview.

The first two paragraphs are talking about how IDM and glitch music are bad music genres (which I also disagree with - there is no such thing as a bad genre, just bad artists within it - and frankly it's the reviewers that make up genres anyway to try to compare and analyze everything that way... back to the point though). At the end of the second paragraph they say:
"Truth is, though, these guys (Modeselektor) have moments where they're so good at what they do that they practically redeem the concept altogether"

That seems like a pretty lofty compliment, to pay someone, so let's read on and see where they knocked off these points. 3 paragraphs of glowing praise follow before they get to their reason for bashing the album:

"If there's one criticism to be made of Happy Birthday!, it's to do with its length. 70+ minute records are increasingly difficult to justify in the mp3 age"

I hate to say it, Pitchfork, but when I find that a cd is over an hour, I'm usually THRILLED. And if it's under 45 mins I usually find it very disappointing. They go on to say that the cd is not without its lulls - but what cd isn't? I have only a VERY select few albums where I think that there is not a weak point on the album. In fact the only one I can think of off the top of my head is OK computer. So let's say, with an artist who I like, an average of 80% of the music will be the meat and potatoes to me. On an 160 min album (like Bassnectar's magnum opus "Mesmerizing the Ultra") that's over two hours of music I will love. On a 40 min album (like Radiohead's "In Rainbows") that's just over a half hour of music I'll love. In Rainbows, in my opinion, was tragically short - the material is good, but I would have loved just something like 2 more tracks (and the overall quality of the b-sides on the second cd warrant it in my opinion). I've kinda digressed here, so let me get back to the point. In the mp3 era, where you can receive almost any album for $9.99, what merit is there in praising groups that give you only enough music to fill half a cd. If anything, shouldn't we praise people for going PAST the 80 min mark, and casting off the time constraints that cds instilled on us? I know that most rock albums are in their nature shorter than electronic albums, so I'm NOT saying everyone should try to create an hour and twenty minutes of music per album, but unless the music is decidedly poor quality, I'd rather get more for my money.

The Weekly WYR

It's been gone from College Humor with the holidays as I have been away from the Daily Clusterfuck. For that I apologize sincerely. Working full time and not really having any energy to sit down at my home computer after staring at one all day long at work is a reason and an excuse. Would it be me if I didn't come back with the WYR that you all know and love? Oh this brings back memories because I'm slacking at work. I don't normally get to anymore (like the old job) but it's Friday and I don't care. Let's go!

Would You Rather...

Fart every time you laugh or pee every time you sneeze?

Well I laugh much more than I sneeze and I'm sure it would be a bitch during those times when you can't stop sneezing but I have to go with that. It doesn't say how much you have to pee and we know that sometimes we laugh so hard we fart already. We'd just have to get used to bringing that extra pair of pants ya know?

Step barefoot on a thumb tack or watch Alvin and the Chipmunks?

I'll have you know that movie was awesome. I could watch Alvin and the Chipmunks and give the child inside me something to do. I haven't done enough of that lately so that's what I'd do. It would be even greater if I invite my friend Gregg over too. Who honestly would choose to step on a thumbtack? Crazy bitches.

Play Hungry Hungry Hippos nude and have your balls caught in the Hippos' or play Crossfire nude and get hit in the nuts with the metal ball?

Either way...ouch. Also, I have no interest in playing any of those games...let alone in the nude!

Never eat Doritos again or only be able to eat Doritos?

That's a tough one. I'm a fan of the Nacho Doritos and I could probably eat a whole bag by myself in one sitting but they are something that, after so long, you just don't feel like eating and if you're left with no other choice you are kinda screwed there. I'd hate not being able to eat Doritos but I could not imagine eating nothing but. Oh yeah and there's the nutrition part where I wouldn't get any and die.

Have a Hamster-sized Rhino or have a Rhino-sized Hamster?

Why would I want anything as big as a Rhino? That's just crazy but a Hamster-sized Rhino? Awesome. Wouldn't be a whole lot to play around with because of the horn but I'd just like to be able to say "Hey, wanna see my Rhino?" HA! What a double entendre eh?

Be a little bit taller, be a baller, or have a girl who looked good so you could call her?

You can rhyme. Good for you. I'll take the girl. Duh.

Speak Klingon or have a girlfriend?

This is not even a would you rather question as much as it is just hilariously true. Get it? HAHA! Oh man.

Find out one of your friends had sex with your mother or find out one of your friends had sex with your father?

I'd kill them. For those of you that contribute to this blog I know full well what most of you originally thought when you read this question. Screw you.

Have no short term memory or have no short term memory?

Don't worry about me. I hardly have a memory as it is! Hey...where am I?

Party

I watched Rules of Attraction again tonight. Rewound to rewatch the bits I didn't get the first (second) time around. And it made me want to party. A lot. In the worst possible way.

I KNOW that nobody's college experience is really that crazy and exciting. The parties are never that good. The drugs are never really THAT easy to find (although actually that might be debatable if I actually looked for them more). It's never THAT easy to get laid. Or if it's that easy it's never with someone as good looking I've realized I really like those sort of college dark comedies, where people are constantly fucking and doing drugs and killing themselves and getting wasted and whatever else. I live vicariously through them. It's my ultimate dark, seductive fantasy. Belonging to that non-existent crowd that throws parties like the end of the world and where everybody is ridiculously good-looking (except the couple fat guys and awkward girls that they throw in to make it seem like a real college (where all of the dorms, classrooms, and frats are within a three minute's walk of each other))

If I had it my way, I would want that experience. I'm too much of a puss though. I'm too "oh my god I have to sing well" and "I have to get good grades" and "I have to be careful not to drink too much or do so many drugs that I end up dying"

I've seen my share of partying, but I don't think I'm done yet. I'm goin crazy!!! Who wants to live til they're a hundred anyway?

Above the influence...

So I'm sure we've all seen this commercial... The one where the girl talks about her "crazy weekend" while spouting off some awkward spanish ("whoah! slow down chica!") only to find that an embarrassing photo of her was taken while she was (evidently) BLACKED OUT from being high and is now being circulated to everybody through multimedia text messages

First of all... uh... what? There are so many issues with this commercial it's unbelievable. First off, clearly this girl was doin something other than smoking if she doesn't remember anything at all. I mean, smoking affects short-term memory, not long... wait a minute. What was I talking about?

Secondly why would someone who (and I quote) wasn't friends with you spend the money to send an embarrassing photo of you to a bunch of random people's cell phones - enough that not one but TWO random people receive it while you walk past? Not likely.

And also... I want to smoke some pot. Being above the influence is boring.

Because Savage Love Has Not Been On In A While...

I realize Savage Love is a sex-advice column (as evidenced by much vulgar language), but I'm going to ask anyway.

(1) What is your definition of love?

(2) How do you know if you're in "love"?

(3) How do you know if they're the "one"?
Anonymous

(1) Love is making out with someone after you've blown a load on his/her face.

(2) You know you're in love when you're eating breakfast in a restaurant together the morning after he/she blew a load on your face and you suddenly realize that you didn't wash your face when you got out of bed that morning and you don't care.

(3) You know he/she is the one when he/she realizes that you've just realized that you're eating breakfast in a restaurant the morning after he/she blew a load on your face and you didn't wash your face when you got out of bed that morning and he/she smiles, leans over the table, and gives you a kiss.