So I got an ipod

and I don't know how I went this long without one. It's kinda the best thing ever. The sound quality is amazing. So yay. And I'm officially over my deal against ipods and we're good friends now. I may become completely antisocial now and just listen to music constantly. Sound ok to everyone?

I did not get a wii. My sister is just weird.

I did however get an external hard drive, which is badass, along with a bunch of other smaller but still cool things like clothes, candy, and a usb hub. Altogether it was a pretty good haul!

Merry Christmas to All...

...And to all a good night!

Black Sheep

So break's been weird. And it's my fault.

I'm totally like the black sheep of the family, and they don't seem to get that. That might sound kinda weird, so let me explain. My family is perfect. Smart, dedicated, talented, whatever. My parents are well off, my sister just got married and everything. My dad drinks, but not all that often honestly, and no one in my family smokes, or really ever did drugs. So being around them is kinda like trying to live a double life. And what's worse is I'm not comfortable talking to my parents about Ben, especially since Sian's married now. I don't even know if they understand what my life as a gay man is like, or will be when I'm older. Would my grandma put up a picture of me and my husband (or whatever) up next to my mom's, sister's, aunt's and uncle's wedding pictures if I got married, or at least had a commitment ceremony? It's hard to tell. I know they are supportive of me, but I just don't really know how I fit in. I just want a fucking cigarette, and to get back to where I'm with my friends where I don't feel like I constantly have to hide things.

It makes me so upset that I feel like this on Christmas Eve. I miss my boyfriend so much it hurts, and every minute that passes while I'm alone at my house is another minute I'm wasting because I'm not seeing any of my friends. I'm not very happy right now, and I don't know what to do about it (although there's a big part of me that's tempted to take a year off, but I don't really even feel like that's an option at this point.

I just don't know.

Regardless, Merry Christmas to all, and much love

Spears is Pregnant!

Not Brittany, but her 16 year old sister! Apparently Jamie Lynn couldn't stand only being an aunt, I guess she wanted to be a mom too. Well, probably not, but either she's having a kid or this is one huge stupid publicity stunt...for someone who isn't famous. Hopefully she will have better parenting skills than Brittany.

CRASH! and thats the sound of silence breaking...

Because it had to be broken.

Hmmm...some pretty interesting things have happened over the past few weeks:

-my car broke, kinda.
-I disovered a shit ton of new music. Listening to it now.
-I'm good at looking like things.
-Golden Compass was a disappointment.
-So was I am Legend.
-Been watching a lot of movies lately. Mostly with Mark in town and no one having any ideas/money to really go out on the town.
-Learned to truly appreciate the free irish creamer at the gas station.
-discovered that the temple of doom is real. Looking for experienced sherpa.
-Started moving really slowly on the grill. Dont know why. Should probably speed things up a bit.
-Want another cigarette, but that would be chain smoking at 130 in the morning, which cannot be good.
-Still looking for apartments. Would love to have my own bathroom, sheerly for the sake of decorating another room of my own! I could totally do interior design for a living. Does that take any real experience?
-Been working on more crosswords lately. That has been pretty fun, actually. Word!
-If you arent laughing about that, you really should be. Its worth at least a chuckle about how lame it is. I mean, its borderline so lame that its funny. Cut me a break here. Jeez.
-Saved the world from ridiculously stereotypical mole men with help of trusty necromancer. No, the tights do not supress fire and stay completely in tact like in most comics. This bad ass mother fucker wore battle-damage awesomeness.
-Still want that smoke.
-Learned that I really do enjoy listening to Umphrees.
-Muse is awesome.
-Thought about putting together a top 10 list of my favorite music, but then realized that unless I can put each song on the list with the help of audio...trail off...not doing it, long thought process...
-Americas Most Smartest Model has got to be the dumbest fucking thing on television. How the mighty have fallen...eh, Ben Stine?
-I am addicted to watching Tila Tequila. Its like a drug.
-Fuck you if you didnt think that was funny.
-Ok, maybe not fuck you, but come on...its cute.
-Fiona Apple is someone that I would like to own a lot more music of.
-I still have ALL of my christmas shopping left to do.
-Currently listening to Sara Bareilles doing a cover of Take on Me. Awesome. Sexy.
-Have some of that popcorn kernal skin shit stuck in my teeth and it is driving me fucking nuts! I could just go brush it out, but I know that it is so much more satisfying to tongue it out. Ya know?
-Devendra Banhart is also awesome.
-Would definitely like to get together on christmas eve at the bar and get ished on cheap booze and family.
-Sappy Sap Sap Sap.
-My knee really fucking hurts.

Is silence golden?

And a silence fell over the blog. No one had an opinion, not even an irk. The silence fell deep over all the neighboring towns, devouring all sound. Nothing could stop it, nothing at all. Only a few men could save the city from total silence. They calleed themselves the Clusterfuck.


Where'd everyone go?

I'm sick of having to be so correct

also known as "why my major blows, reason number 900765"

So I'm REALLY agitated about this.

I am SO sick of being in a major and in a career that actually decides for me (if I want to be successful) what I wear, how I act, what I do or don't do, how I live my life, etc.

I know that in theory nothing decides who I am except me. But really, I know that basically the way to the top in the arts is to kiss every ass I meet for the next 15 years. And I'm so fucking over it. What if I want to wear clothes that are "inappropriate" for a grad student to wear? What if I want to drink? What if I want a piercing? What if I don't fucking feel like going to your boring ass class? What if I just want to spend my money on bullshit?

This may make me sound very irresponsible. I assure everyone this is not where it comes from.

My entire life I feel like I have worked SO hard to come across as clean, and polite, and like good little Marky. Part of it has been to keep my parents happy, but otherwise it's just this burden that I feel like the "real world" has placed on me. And I got news for you - I've seen my career path, and it lies FAR outside the realm of the "real world". I want to buy a shirt from Baked (a sweet ass cookie store around here) that says "I get Baked before class". That shit is hilarious. But I feel like I'm literally FIGHTING against my sense of reason, which tells me that if I'm wearing that shirt around campus and see a music professor, I could cause a fucking HUGE issue. It just makes me so FUCKING mad.

I have had to work very hard in figuring out who I am, and I still have so far to go. I do not want to be defined by what I do professionally. I fucking HATE singers. they are cocky, annoying, and don't know what to do besides talk about themselves or bring up annoying music-related subject matter. And you know what I realized? I don't care. I don't care what you have to say. I don't care who you met over the summer. I don't care what aria you're working on. I just want you to stop talking to me so I can put my earbuds back in and keep listening to my psychedelic music.

What makes me even angrier is when I was talking to someone in choir about the Umphrey's concert who said "Is that one of your crazy bands you listen to? I gave up on trying to do that a long time ago."

seriously?

I have seen peers and professionals perform. NUMEROUS times. Some are very talented, others not so. But I can very honestly and confidently say that the musicians in Umphrey's McGee are among the greatest I have ever seen in my life. If you can't sit down and judge every piece of music for its artistic merit, if you think that one type of music is the only one which is legitimate, I feel sorry for you. And there's a good reason why I'm always told that my performances are so musical - because I have experienced SO many different types of music, and I still feel like there's so much out there still to hear. Every piece of music I have heard has added something to my ideas about how to perform, be it things to bring out, or things to avoid. If you only listen to opera, chances are your performing will be just like everybody else's. And that's not the way to rise to the top.

Some people think they've got it all figured out. And maybe for them, that's all they need. But I have realized over the past 5 years or so that there is SO MUCH MORE to the world than I ever imagined. I want to finish up my degree, but after that, for god's sake, I want to be able to LIVE a little bit. It's stressful not having money. And I'd really like to be able to pay off my loans. But there are parts of me that are so fucking angry that I bothered to go to grad school. I should have waited. I should have sat and really thought about what I wanted, rather than rushing into what seemed like a good idea.

Don't get me wrong, everyone. I love singing. I really like IU. I have a wonderful boyfriend who I love and who loves me. I don't feel like I'm in the wrong place or situation. I just feel like some of the circumstances are off.

And by circumstances, I mean people.

to bring this all full circle, I will say this. I'm gonna get a gym membership over break and work off the rest of my gut. Maybe buy some tight-ass low rise gay jeans. Or a completely inappropriate shirt. I just don't care about making those impressions anymore. I'm tired of trying to look pleasant. I'd rather risk having someone think I look tacky for the possibility of someone seeing me and remembering me the next time they pass me on campus.

FUCK EVERYONE RAWR!!!







on another note, I really gotta run tomorrow. that rant got a little intense there - gotta let off some steam evidently

Man, Life is Nuts

So I haven't written in ages but life has been CRAZY. I just turned in my last assignment yesterday (a huge project), and now have been able to party it up. Or rather, now I can without anything to worry about. Ben is still wonderful and he's great to me, although I am beginning to hit the amount of time when I get paranoid in dating (if we date for like another week, it will be my longest non-long distance relationship. So sad... Although things are going really well still so no worries :). I've been gettin really wasted a lot - making up for lost time at the beginning of the semester. By lost time I mean time not spent drinking. I've listened to the second CD of In Rainbows now and it's fantastic. I'm really happy it included a few good up tempo songs like "Down is the New Up", "Up on the Ladder" and "Bangers and Mash". If these are "b-sides", they're certainly higher quality than the majority of radiohead's b-sides recently. I'm planning on doing some psychadelics this week and again over break. I can't fuckin wait. I'm such a drug addict haha...
anyway that's pretty much it

The Weekly WYR

I know there have not been many posts but I have began my full time internship and have not had time to think let alone put those thoughts on the blog. So I will give you my thoughts and interpretations of this week's WYR.

Would You Rather...

Have Tourette's Syndrome and let out loud curse words or Chewbacca howls?

I am a big fan of Star Wars but the only complaint that I have for the series is just how damn annoying that howl is. I know it would be unprofessional, yet funny, to hear curse words but which is weirder in the end? I think it's the howls.

Be addicted to crack or masturbation?

Is there really anything wrong with the latter? I mean in theory it is not a disease or anything, it's just tiring sometimes. I really don't see the comparison as I would never even go near crack but I would like to hear an argument for the former in this case.

Be Indiana Jones' sidekick, Shourtround or Chunk from the Goonies?

The Goonies is a classic movie that I have not seen in years but used to see all the time before that. Even so, Indiana Jones would be fun to ride along with as well. He is someone who gets into a whole lot of danger though. In the end, who wouldn't want to say "Hey you guys!" and get a good response every time. Plus the guy who played him back then is doing pretty well educationally for himself. We'll go with Chunk.

Be incredibly, ridiculously looking or be incredibly, ridiculously intelligent?

I think I may have mistyped because who is going to select the option of ridiculously looking over intelligent? I'm going with the assumption, and I could look it up but I am lazy, that it should have "good" in front of the looking. Either way, I'm taking intelligence.

Yell "Schwing!" every time you get a boner or yell "Honk!" every time you touch a woman's breast?

Well the former happens much more than the latter (God help me), so I cannot in good conscience take the "Schwing" part of this question, even though I know full well that taking the "Honk" part of it will ruin most chances anyway, so I'm screwed (and not literally either).

Be a really angry drunk every time you drink, and have to face the consequences of your drunken rampages, or be surrounded by ten far bigger and stronger angry drunks every time you drink?

I can be an angry drunk from time to time but usually there have not been dire consequences to face coming out of the nights. Why would I want to surround myself with bigger, stronger drunks? Now come on. I don't like the "really angry" part of the question but I guess if Vince can get away with being angry (and sometimes drunk) all the time, anyone can.

Have TiVo that made fart noises or have your farts sound like TiVo noises?

Well I have off-brand TiVo so I defer to Kiznox on this (since he came up with that nickname) and ask: What would you like my off brand TiVo to make noises of?

Have sex with a beautiful woman ten separate times or have sex with ten beautiful women all at once - one time only?

Okay, having ten beautiful women at the same time would just be a little too bunched together don't ya think? At this point I'll take the beautiful woman ten separate times and go about my merry way, thank you very much!

Alternative Eye Candy of the Day

The only three reasons I would ever watch Gossip Girl

Chace Crawford (who's been on here a few times before)

Penn Badgley

and Ed Westwick

You boys should check out the girls too...

Drink More Coffee and Smoke Less

I found a really good article about how to beat death. You should check it out, it has some great tips in it.

I Do it Too...

But, lets face it...we all do it, to some extent.

One Upper

So I'm really paranoid about this now...
So it's been mentioned to me that I one up people a lot. On several occasions. And I've started noticing it when I talk and then I get embarrassed and self-conscious. So here's what I want to say. If at any point you ever feel like I've done this to you, I'm sorry. I HONESTLY never tell a story to try to one up someone - rather if I feel like I have a somewhat similar story that's funny, I tell it to try to relate to the conversation. I by NO MEANS think my stories are better or funnier or more exciting than other people's.

I blame it on Ideene (as I do with most of my bad conversational habits) :)

that's it
Cottonmouth out

SO CUTE!

I know I haven't written in a while - I promise I will soon. But for now here's the CUTEST PICTURE EVER

Let the Good Times Roll

I haven't posted in a while, so I'll just go ahead and use this space to tell you how much my life sucks. I am graduating (hopefully) in May, but I don't have a damn clue what I'm going to do when I'm done. I don't have an internship, nor do I have experience in anything. I've wasted the better part of my college career killing all my brain cells. I seriously think I'm more dumb now than I was when I started college. Ben told me to put myself out there and do whatever it takes to get ahead, it doesn't matter if I have the experience or not, just do it. I want to believe that, but the way my life has gone so far, that won't work out for me very well. I have dreams and aspirations to make millions, but I have a very unsettling feeling that I'll end up working in some cubicle for $40k per year doing some meaningless job forever. The thing that sucks about this is that I have no skills whatsoever. I can't play an instrument, fix a car, program a computer, act, or do anything that can create value in myself. I'm just hoping for that one instant where my dream job finds me and I'm able to capitalize on it, but until then I'm still in the same spot living in my shithole life. My only saving grace are my friends, who are there for everything. Thank you guys, seriously. I wish I could get my act together and actually improve my life, but knowing myself I'll just think about it for 10 minutes and then start playing a video game. Its like I'm sabotaging my own life and I'm not really sure why. For anyone who reads this, don't take it the wrong way, I'll be fine. Its getting colder outside, finals are coming up soon and I just have so much shit running through my head that I needed to let this out. I could have probably wrote twice as much as this but I don't want to depress everyone and its 4am, so I'm going to bed.