Thursday, February 26, 2009
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Silly Asians
Stereotypes are hilarious. This is an email I just received.
Hi Mark,
I'm taking T591 and will observe Mrs. Christy's class on Tuesday, March 3rd at 8 am. I am wondering if the drill that follow by the lecture on the Wed, Marth 4th at 9:05 am works for you to let me observe.
Let me know if it's work for you. Thank you very much for your time.
Come on, you know it made you laugh :)
Hi Mark,
I'm taking T591 and will observe Mrs. Christy's class on Tuesday, March 3rd at 8 am. I am wondering if the drill that follow by the lecture on the Wed, Marth 4th at 9:05 am works for you to let me observe.
Let me know if it's work for you. Thank you very much for your time.
Come on, you know it made you laugh :)
Star v. Black Hole
Who (as if they were people) would win in a fight? Its basically the classic battle between light and dark, good and evil. Well, obviously the star would win...or would he? Let's think about this for a minute. A star is basically a ball of gaseous energy. A black hole is a vortex with no actual explanation to what it does (but basically anti-energy, for the sake of argument). Now, when those two come together, what happens? Probably an explosion, one of such magnitude as if they were fighting to the death, with super-outrageous-powers. Your brain probably couldn't fathom it. Feeble mortal.
According to iTunes, their visualizer that sparked this debate, had one "star" fighting one "black hole". The star then split into three other stars that shot pure energy out of their electricity fingers. The black hole, naturally, just absorbed the energy. So how does the star win? Well, he probably needs to produce enough energy that would negate any negative energy given off by the black hole. This would probably kill both of them.
In a re-enactment, Goerg and I played the roles of Black Hole and Star, respectively. I conquered him. Since this is the only evidence that we have to go off of, I'm going to take this as fact. A star will always beat a black hole...or b-hole, as I like to call him.
According to iTunes, their visualizer that sparked this debate, had one "star" fighting one "black hole". The star then split into three other stars that shot pure energy out of their electricity fingers. The black hole, naturally, just absorbed the energy. So how does the star win? Well, he probably needs to produce enough energy that would negate any negative energy given off by the black hole. This would probably kill both of them.
In a re-enactment, Goerg and I played the roles of Black Hole and Star, respectively. I conquered him. Since this is the only evidence that we have to go off of, I'm going to take this as fact. A star will always beat a black hole...or b-hole, as I like to call him.
My Problem with Women
I suck at approaching/talking to them. If I was in the middle of a conversation, I'd be fine. I'm just horrible at starting a conversation. I never know what to say. I'm not witty or funny or good-looking enough to get away with something cheesy or stupid. It's like my nuts are collecting cobwebs. I probably shouldn't be finding random hook-ups in bars, but I just need to find a good girl to just fuck silly.
Funny/sad story: I was at the Riv on Saturday night, talking to a friend. I turn around and get my dick fondled. My reaction? I grab a handful of that girl's titties. Well, she must of liked it because I didn't get slapped. The sad part is that I just stood there. I didn't follow her. I didn't see her naked. I also have no clue what she looks like...Seriously, I don't remember ever looking at her face. What? I was really drunk.
Moral of the story: I need to grow a pair, stop being such a pussy, and get out there and fuck some pussy. Damn, I'm horny.
Funny/sad story: I was at the Riv on Saturday night, talking to a friend. I turn around and get my dick fondled. My reaction? I grab a handful of that girl's titties. Well, she must of liked it because I didn't get slapped. The sad part is that I just stood there. I didn't follow her. I didn't see her naked. I also have no clue what she looks like...Seriously, I don't remember ever looking at her face. What? I was really drunk.
Moral of the story: I need to grow a pair, stop being such a pussy, and get out there and fuck some pussy. Damn, I'm horny.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
You thought one jizz was enough...
"X-Men Origins: Wolverine" is going to be friggin amazing. If you have not seen the TV spots and the background, find it and watch it. Hugh Jackman is a G, Liev Shreiber looks like he'll kill you as Sabretooth, plus you've got Gambit (Taylor Kitsch), Bolt (Dominic Monaghan)and Deadpool (Ryan Reynolds).
Uh oh, there's the jizz in my pants now. Clean up on Aisle 12!
Oh, and here's the link to a "Top 10 Facts" about the movie.
Uh oh, there's the jizz in my pants now. Clean up on Aisle 12!
Oh, and here's the link to a "Top 10 Facts" about the movie.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Saw the new Transformers Trailer...
Jizzed a little. Oh who am I kidding, I coated the room with jizz.
Sorry, couldn't find one to embed, so here's the link
Great year for movies!!!!!
Sorry, couldn't find one to embed, so here's the link
Great year for movies!!!!!
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Getting Old Is...
...realizing that the "hot actors of your generation" are younger than you by a few years.
Monday, February 16, 2009
New Simpsons Opening
I'm surprised it took them this long to create a new sequence. Only 20 years right? I must say though, I do enjoy this opening with the new graphics and updated technology.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Excuse me for Diarizing this blog...
So I just have to turn this into a diary for a few minutes, I promise it won't happen too often.
I hope everyone had a great valentine's day. Mine had its moments. Namely that I took mushrooms by myself and watched the sts9 DVD alone in my apartment. It was a lot of fun, a very different experience, but nonetheless well worth it. I did this because, well, frankly, like every V-day before this, I didn't have anyone to celebrate with. You all know who I would have WANTED as a valentine, but yeah a 6 hour drive is a real bitch, and until yesterday I was convinced that I had pushed him away from me by being too eager. I debated calling Pat a bunch of times, but I ultimately decided that calling him tripping at 8pm would probably not have been an effective way to test the waters. So of course I wake up this morning with two voicemails from him, drunk as a skunk, sounding very sad and lonely, talking about how much it sucks being at a party where everyone is coupled up together and how he wishes I was there, and that he wished he had made more of a move when I was up a few weeks ago, and that he wishes that he could spend time with me every day, and several other general "I'm sorry I suck at this and I miss you" kind of comments. It was really nice to hear from him and to know that somewhere out there I had someone who wanted me to be their valentine, but I wish more than anything I had been awake when he called so I could have talked to him instead of him being so disappointed. This is what sucks about having someone who has trouble expressing his feelings until he's drunk at 3:30 in the morning. I'll take the small triumphs though, we'll just have to wait and see what happens when
So yeah, I don't know what the point of me writing this is. I'm a big girl, I just needed to get this off my chest. Add this to the list of reasons why I hate Indiana and wish I was still within spitting distance of my friends. Things down here are... well... tense, at best. Adrianne is convinced I hate her because apparently I'm the worst roommate who ever lived (hence why about everyone I've lived with has though that for at least some portion of the time we lived together). She got home as we were starting to watch nick and nora for a second time last night, and then proceeded to get completely miffed and pissy and passive aggressive with me because I wanted to (surprise surprise) WATCH the movie I had put on, rather than hear her recant the newest story about what happened at work. And now I'm the bad guy, because shame on me for trying to find something to pass my time while I'm sitting alone at home and she's off driving around and smoking for hours at a time, and then not dropping everything to listen to her the second she walks in the door. Call me an asshole, I know she's not doing all that well right now, but for god's sake I can't base my life around trying to satisfy her. Couple this with the fact that Jessy's still fucking around with Mental Abuse McPillPopper all the fucking time, leaving me to hang out with Doug and try to keep him motivated and happy enough to not die of depression. Which is fine, he's one of my close friends. But again, what can I say to him without saying "frankly, your girlfriend's been acting like a cunt bitch to you and all of us and nothing is going to get better until she dumps you or him." Polyamory does not mean you compromise every relationship in an effort to do what you want - the only way it will work is if you find people who can live harmoniously with one another in a mutually dependent relationship. Zack, on the other hand, freaks out and starts yelling and screaming if he even stops by the pub and notices Doug smoking a cigarette outside, saying that "it's him all the time, blah blah blah". I'm just over it. We all are. The situation is terrible, but Jess is not willing to acknowledge that she's the only one who has it in her power to make anything better, because that means she'll have to make a sacrifice for someone, which god knows is not her forte. I don't mean to bad mouth her, she is one of my closest friends down here, but I'm tired of the yelling, and the aggression, and the tears, and the constant feeling that the only reason why my friends down here haven't completely gone off the deep end is because I'm constantly playing devil's advocate.
Essentially, I've been really lonely recently. Doug said to me that if I'm having any problems, I'm certainly doing the best job of hiding them. And he's right, I am. Nobody asks me how I'm doing. If I even mention Pat around Jessy she makes some annoyed look at me saying "really? him?" - as if you have any room to judge you fucking hypocrite, I hold my tongue when Zack is around because that's what I have to do in order to not push you away. I'm starting to try to make some new friends, in the music school, around town, but it's not the same. I don't want to date anyone right now, but it doesn't change the fact that my bed just feels too big for one person.
I'm looking forward to coming up to sing in two weeks, don't forget, Sunday, March 1st in Mason, MI. I'll hopefully see a lot of you then, I can't imagine it's gonna be the single most inspiring performance you've seen in your lives, but it should be alright. The Umph concert(s) is(are) still up in the air for me because it really depends on my rehearsal schedule and how much I can get out of, but the good news is I have a quad and an eighth of fungus left and there's more where that came from. I'll provide the chemical amusement aids for that evening.
Much love, and I'll see you in a few weeks.
-Cottonmouth Out
I hope everyone had a great valentine's day. Mine had its moments. Namely that I took mushrooms by myself and watched the sts9 DVD alone in my apartment. It was a lot of fun, a very different experience, but nonetheless well worth it. I did this because, well, frankly, like every V-day before this, I didn't have anyone to celebrate with. You all know who I would have WANTED as a valentine, but yeah a 6 hour drive is a real bitch, and until yesterday I was convinced that I had pushed him away from me by being too eager. I debated calling Pat a bunch of times, but I ultimately decided that calling him tripping at 8pm would probably not have been an effective way to test the waters. So of course I wake up this morning with two voicemails from him, drunk as a skunk, sounding very sad and lonely, talking about how much it sucks being at a party where everyone is coupled up together and how he wishes I was there, and that he wished he had made more of a move when I was up a few weeks ago, and that he wishes that he could spend time with me every day, and several other general "I'm sorry I suck at this and I miss you" kind of comments. It was really nice to hear from him and to know that somewhere out there I had someone who wanted me to be their valentine, but I wish more than anything I had been awake when he called so I could have talked to him instead of him being so disappointed. This is what sucks about having someone who has trouble expressing his feelings until he's drunk at 3:30 in the morning. I'll take the small triumphs though, we'll just have to wait and see what happens when
So yeah, I don't know what the point of me writing this is. I'm a big girl, I just needed to get this off my chest. Add this to the list of reasons why I hate Indiana and wish I was still within spitting distance of my friends. Things down here are... well... tense, at best. Adrianne is convinced I hate her because apparently I'm the worst roommate who ever lived (hence why about everyone I've lived with has though that for at least some portion of the time we lived together). She got home as we were starting to watch nick and nora for a second time last night, and then proceeded to get completely miffed and pissy and passive aggressive with me because I wanted to (surprise surprise) WATCH the movie I had put on, rather than hear her recant the newest story about what happened at work. And now I'm the bad guy, because shame on me for trying to find something to pass my time while I'm sitting alone at home and she's off driving around and smoking for hours at a time, and then not dropping everything to listen to her the second she walks in the door. Call me an asshole, I know she's not doing all that well right now, but for god's sake I can't base my life around trying to satisfy her. Couple this with the fact that Jessy's still fucking around with Mental Abuse McPillPopper all the fucking time, leaving me to hang out with Doug and try to keep him motivated and happy enough to not die of depression. Which is fine, he's one of my close friends. But again, what can I say to him without saying "frankly, your girlfriend's been acting like a cunt bitch to you and all of us and nothing is going to get better until she dumps you or him." Polyamory does not mean you compromise every relationship in an effort to do what you want - the only way it will work is if you find people who can live harmoniously with one another in a mutually dependent relationship. Zack, on the other hand, freaks out and starts yelling and screaming if he even stops by the pub and notices Doug smoking a cigarette outside, saying that "it's him all the time, blah blah blah". I'm just over it. We all are. The situation is terrible, but Jess is not willing to acknowledge that she's the only one who has it in her power to make anything better, because that means she'll have to make a sacrifice for someone, which god knows is not her forte. I don't mean to bad mouth her, she is one of my closest friends down here, but I'm tired of the yelling, and the aggression, and the tears, and the constant feeling that the only reason why my friends down here haven't completely gone off the deep end is because I'm constantly playing devil's advocate.
Essentially, I've been really lonely recently. Doug said to me that if I'm having any problems, I'm certainly doing the best job of hiding them. And he's right, I am. Nobody asks me how I'm doing. If I even mention Pat around Jessy she makes some annoyed look at me saying "really? him?" - as if you have any room to judge you fucking hypocrite, I hold my tongue when Zack is around because that's what I have to do in order to not push you away. I'm starting to try to make some new friends, in the music school, around town, but it's not the same. I don't want to date anyone right now, but it doesn't change the fact that my bed just feels too big for one person.
I'm looking forward to coming up to sing in two weeks, don't forget, Sunday, March 1st in Mason, MI. I'll hopefully see a lot of you then, I can't imagine it's gonna be the single most inspiring performance you've seen in your lives, but it should be alright. The Umph concert(s) is(are) still up in the air for me because it really depends on my rehearsal schedule and how much I can get out of, but the good news is I have a quad and an eighth of fungus left and there's more where that came from. I'll provide the chemical amusement aids for that evening.
Much love, and I'll see you in a few weeks.
-Cottonmouth Out
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Nick and Nora's Infinite Playlist
is one of the best movies I have ever seen. I was dying laughing. And oh my god Rafi Gavron is SO fucking hot. Seriously.
If anyone hasn't seen it yet (no I'm not looking at you goerg) you really should.
Happy Valentine's Day all!
If anyone hasn't seen it yet (no I'm not looking at you goerg) you really should.
Happy Valentine's Day all!
Friday, February 13, 2009
Dream Line-up for Lollapalooza 2009
Headliners:
-Red Hot Chili Peppers (still haven't seen them live)
-Muse (want to see them live, but people will scoff and say they are the poor man's Radiohead, because people suck)
-Nine Inch Nails (oh yeah, they fucking rock)
Other nominees:
-Rush
-Foo Fighters (still haven't seen them live)
-311 (because they rock at festivals)
-Incubus (because tripping + watching them = jizz in my pants)
-Umphrey's Mcgee (probably not festivally enough for them though)
-Jane's Addiction
-Metallica (maybe that's just me)
-Smashing Pumpkins (if they still rock?)
In My Dreams Pick:
LED ZEPPELIN!!!!!!!!!!!
Earlier Sets:
-Raconteurs (would make me jizz in my pants at least 3 times every song)
-Tenacious D
-No Doubt (if they play their early stuff and Gwen Stefani is naked)
-Freezepop
-Alice Cooper (odd, I know, but I hear he still puts on a great show)
-Alter Bridge (that's probably just me)
-Wolfmother (put on a good show)
-Black Tide (I like their crazy guitar riffs)
-Blind Melon (if they are still a band...?)
-DJ Shadow (...if only it went on past 10...)
-STS9 (10pm...fucking Chicago rules)
-Girl Talk
-The Knux (dunno, they could be good)
-The Living End (they are a fun band to listen to)
-The Mars Volta (I'm slowing getting to like them, sure a live show would persuade me further)
Not Gonna Happen Pick:
-Alice In Chains (great band, but Lane Staley can't be replaced)
-Audioslave (Fucking Chris Cornell...you had a good thing going)
-Velvet Revolver (where's the singer? I need me some Slash)
The "What? Too Soon?" Pick:
Stevie Ray Vaughn (what greatness that would have been)
This is assuming I can even go...
-Red Hot Chili Peppers (still haven't seen them live)
-Muse (want to see them live, but people will scoff and say they are the poor man's Radiohead, because people suck)
-Nine Inch Nails (oh yeah, they fucking rock)
Other nominees:
-Rush
-Foo Fighters (still haven't seen them live)
-311 (because they rock at festivals)
-Incubus (because tripping + watching them = jizz in my pants)
-Umphrey's Mcgee (probably not festivally enough for them though)
-Jane's Addiction
-Metallica (maybe that's just me)
-Smashing Pumpkins (if they still rock?)
In My Dreams Pick:
LED ZEPPELIN!!!!!!!!!!!
Earlier Sets:
-Raconteurs (would make me jizz in my pants at least 3 times every song)
-Tenacious D
-No Doubt (if they play their early stuff and Gwen Stefani is naked)
-Freezepop
-Alice Cooper (odd, I know, but I hear he still puts on a great show)
-Alter Bridge (that's probably just me)
-Wolfmother (put on a good show)
-Black Tide (I like their crazy guitar riffs)
-Blind Melon (if they are still a band...?)
-DJ Shadow (...if only it went on past 10...)
-STS9 (10pm...fucking Chicago rules)
-Girl Talk
-The Knux (dunno, they could be good)
-The Living End (they are a fun band to listen to)
-The Mars Volta (I'm slowing getting to like them, sure a live show would persuade me further)
Not Gonna Happen Pick:
-Alice In Chains (great band, but Lane Staley can't be replaced)
-Audioslave (Fucking Chris Cornell...you had a good thing going)
-Velvet Revolver (where's the singer? I need me some Slash)
The "What? Too Soon?" Pick:
Stevie Ray Vaughn (what greatness that would have been)
This is assuming I can even go...
105%
I love reading these, as I'm sure most all of us do, on CollegeHumor. I decided that I liked them so much I was going to go through all 95 of the articles and find my favorite quotes from them. I did not pick one from each but I have a bunch. Here they are, as I said before, courtesy of CollegeHumor:
Advice for Seniors: Carry around a pair of extra sharp scissors. When someone says, "Hey, what are you doing after you graduate?" you say, "Hard time," and puncture their appendix with the utmost fervor!
Great thing to say when you're having sex: "This just in: My Dick"
Failed Ad Slogan: Maybe she's born with it. Maybe it's Maybelline. Or maybe she killed an old homeless woman and stole it.
I want to drive an old 1960s style Volkswagen. Not because I love the car or anything, but because I would know that every time I drive by a school bus, someone is getting punched.
"Haley, there's no easy way to tell you this. You were an accident."
"You told me I was adopted."
"It was a very big accident."
I love having sex during Daylight Savings. It's the only time I can tell my girlfriend we had sex for an hour and thirty seconds.
My Grandfather writes the SATs: An American male and an old Asian woman start a trip from Houston to Dallas at the same time. Joe is doing a steady 5 miles above the speed limit, while Li-Xing or whatever is doing 1/3 of that. How much shorter will Joe's trip be, if Li-Xing makes it at all?
Rejected Army Slogans: The U.S. Army: Because Natural Causes Are Gay.
Professor Afraid of Losing Tenure: "Shaqwanda, if the regular printer isn't working you have to use the colored pri--er...the other printer."
An alcoholic is someone who can't control their drinking. I can control my drinking, just not the puking, text messaging, and purchases from online sex stores afterwards.
Bad times for "That's what she said":
"Jim was a good man. As we remember him today, let us close our eyes, and feel his presence within us all."
"Your son has been late to class and picking on the other children. Frankly, I want to pull him out before something worse happens."
"Mr. Johnson, the cancer is spreading. I want you in bed every day."
Two countries who should never play each other in the World Cup: NIG (Niger) vs. GER (Germany)
Life is like a box of chocolates: the fatter you are, the shorter it lasts.
Are they called Baked Lays because that's how they're made, or because that's what I'd have to be to enjoy them?
Sneeze Replies More Zealous Than "God Bless You":
Jehovah bless you.
May Allah absolve your nasal passages of all foreign intruders.
Gesundheit...oh great and powerful Gezundheit! Purify thine sinuses with your mighty hammer!
Great minds think alike, but the greatest minds just steal their ideas and get rich.
I'm ashamed to admit it now, but I lied on my college application essay. In the space after it says "High School GPA," I wrote "I know what this means."
Ohio State Fan Who Doesn't Get It: "I like Ohio State so much, I bleed red."
Seemingly Obvious Movie Spoilers:
No Country for Old Men: The old men decide this is no country for them.
There Will Be Blood: There was blood.
Leatherheads: Renee Zellweger is ugly as shit.
Time Machines: Is the fact that we don't see people from the future suddenly appearing all over an indication that time machines will never be invented, or that we just live in a very boring time?
My friend grew up Asian, so he says that's why he isn't into Asian girls. I think that makes a lot of sense, because I grew up fat...
If Dr. Seuss Was Actually a Doctor:
Dr. Seuss: "I do not like this brownish spot. I do not like this dark black dot. I do not like this odd-shaped mole. I do not like this porous hole. I'd wear more sunblock here and there. I'd wear more sunblock anywhere. It looks as though, I'm sad to say, that you have cancer here today.
Patient: "Are you...high?"
Q: What's red and bad for your teeth?
A: A brick
How do people call Batman for help during the day? If I lived in Gotham, I'd just rob banks after lunch.
My ex-girlfriend always had a soft spot for my roommate. Unfortunately, it was her vagina.
I figured I had failed my company's drug test because I put "C" for every answer. Turns out they just wanted a urine sample. I was really high that day.
The worst kind of surprise party is an intervention.
On Friday, Christian Bale pretended to be Batman, on Sunday he fought with his mom. He basically spent the weekend acting like me at 13.
I find it ironic that getting the clap is nothing to cheer about.
You know what's funny about smoking weed? Everything, apparently.
What All Chinese Fortune Cookies Should Say: "You are about to take a dump in 10 minutes."
If 24 Was Set During Daylight Savings Time: "The following events take place between 2 AM and 2 AM."
My friends and I celebrate the Olympics with our own Beerlympics. It's just like the real Olympics, but all the events are based on drinking. This summer I won the gold medal in losing my job and abusing my wife. In 2012, I hope to add killing a pedestrian to that list.
My last girlfriend once sent me some racy photos and jokingly told me they were for "educational purposes only," so when she broke up with me I jokingly uploaded them to the Wikipedia page for vagina.
Help a family find a lost pet...tell them where you buried it.
I recently walked in on my son smoking pot, and thought, "That's weird, I don't have any kids."
People say smoking weed is bad because it makes you lazy. I say it just makes doing absolutely nothing that much more fun.
I saw a Public Service Announcement that said 1/3 of all car accidents involve someone who has THC in their bloodstream. I'm no statistician, but what the fuck is wrong with the 2/3 of sober people who suck at driving?
Since Cocoa Puffs make normal milk chocolate, I thought they might turn chocolate milk normal. Instead it turned my body diabetic.
Behind every successful woman, there's a bunch of guys whispering that she's a lesbian and "probably infertile."
Winners: My dad always says "winners never quit" and I always say, "No shit. They've already won, why would they quit you moron?" My dad and I don't have a great relationship...
Why is it that when I watch all the seasons of South Park back-to-back, it's called a "marathon," yet when I run 26 miles and stab 15 people along the way, it's called a "spree?"
Advice for Seniors: Carry around a pair of extra sharp scissors. When someone says, "Hey, what are you doing after you graduate?" you say, "Hard time," and puncture their appendix with the utmost fervor!
Great thing to say when you're having sex: "This just in: My Dick"
Failed Ad Slogan: Maybe she's born with it. Maybe it's Maybelline. Or maybe she killed an old homeless woman and stole it.
I want to drive an old 1960s style Volkswagen. Not because I love the car or anything, but because I would know that every time I drive by a school bus, someone is getting punched.
"Haley, there's no easy way to tell you this. You were an accident."
"You told me I was adopted."
"It was a very big accident."
I love having sex during Daylight Savings. It's the only time I can tell my girlfriend we had sex for an hour and thirty seconds.
My Grandfather writes the SATs: An American male and an old Asian woman start a trip from Houston to Dallas at the same time. Joe is doing a steady 5 miles above the speed limit, while Li-Xing or whatever is doing 1/3 of that. How much shorter will Joe's trip be, if Li-Xing makes it at all?
Rejected Army Slogans: The U.S. Army: Because Natural Causes Are Gay.
Professor Afraid of Losing Tenure: "Shaqwanda, if the regular printer isn't working you have to use the colored pri--er...the other printer."
An alcoholic is someone who can't control their drinking. I can control my drinking, just not the puking, text messaging, and purchases from online sex stores afterwards.
Bad times for "That's what she said":
"Jim was a good man. As we remember him today, let us close our eyes, and feel his presence within us all."
"Your son has been late to class and picking on the other children. Frankly, I want to pull him out before something worse happens."
"Mr. Johnson, the cancer is spreading. I want you in bed every day."
Two countries who should never play each other in the World Cup: NIG (Niger) vs. GER (Germany)
Life is like a box of chocolates: the fatter you are, the shorter it lasts.
Are they called Baked Lays because that's how they're made, or because that's what I'd have to be to enjoy them?
Sneeze Replies More Zealous Than "God Bless You":
Jehovah bless you.
May Allah absolve your nasal passages of all foreign intruders.
Gesundheit...oh great and powerful Gezundheit! Purify thine sinuses with your mighty hammer!
Great minds think alike, but the greatest minds just steal their ideas and get rich.
I'm ashamed to admit it now, but I lied on my college application essay. In the space after it says "High School GPA," I wrote "I know what this means."
Ohio State Fan Who Doesn't Get It: "I like Ohio State so much, I bleed red."
Seemingly Obvious Movie Spoilers:
No Country for Old Men: The old men decide this is no country for them.
There Will Be Blood: There was blood.
Leatherheads: Renee Zellweger is ugly as shit.
Time Machines: Is the fact that we don't see people from the future suddenly appearing all over an indication that time machines will never be invented, or that we just live in a very boring time?
My friend grew up Asian, so he says that's why he isn't into Asian girls. I think that makes a lot of sense, because I grew up fat...
If Dr. Seuss Was Actually a Doctor:
Dr. Seuss: "I do not like this brownish spot. I do not like this dark black dot. I do not like this odd-shaped mole. I do not like this porous hole. I'd wear more sunblock here and there. I'd wear more sunblock anywhere. It looks as though, I'm sad to say, that you have cancer here today.
Patient: "Are you...high?"
Q: What's red and bad for your teeth?
A: A brick
How do people call Batman for help during the day? If I lived in Gotham, I'd just rob banks after lunch.
My ex-girlfriend always had a soft spot for my roommate. Unfortunately, it was her vagina.
I figured I had failed my company's drug test because I put "C" for every answer. Turns out they just wanted a urine sample. I was really high that day.
The worst kind of surprise party is an intervention.
On Friday, Christian Bale pretended to be Batman, on Sunday he fought with his mom. He basically spent the weekend acting like me at 13.
I find it ironic that getting the clap is nothing to cheer about.
You know what's funny about smoking weed? Everything, apparently.
What All Chinese Fortune Cookies Should Say: "You are about to take a dump in 10 minutes."
If 24 Was Set During Daylight Savings Time: "The following events take place between 2 AM and 2 AM."
My friends and I celebrate the Olympics with our own Beerlympics. It's just like the real Olympics, but all the events are based on drinking. This summer I won the gold medal in losing my job and abusing my wife. In 2012, I hope to add killing a pedestrian to that list.
My last girlfriend once sent me some racy photos and jokingly told me they were for "educational purposes only," so when she broke up with me I jokingly uploaded them to the Wikipedia page for vagina.
Help a family find a lost pet...tell them where you buried it.
I recently walked in on my son smoking pot, and thought, "That's weird, I don't have any kids."
People say smoking weed is bad because it makes you lazy. I say it just makes doing absolutely nothing that much more fun.
I saw a Public Service Announcement that said 1/3 of all car accidents involve someone who has THC in their bloodstream. I'm no statistician, but what the fuck is wrong with the 2/3 of sober people who suck at driving?
Since Cocoa Puffs make normal milk chocolate, I thought they might turn chocolate milk normal. Instead it turned my body diabetic.
Behind every successful woman, there's a bunch of guys whispering that she's a lesbian and "probably infertile."
Winners: My dad always says "winners never quit" and I always say, "No shit. They've already won, why would they quit you moron?" My dad and I don't have a great relationship...
Why is it that when I watch all the seasons of South Park back-to-back, it's called a "marathon," yet when I run 26 miles and stab 15 people along the way, it's called a "spree?"
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Huge collection of "That Guy" pictures
Thanks to the ever popular CollegeHumor for giving us another group of photos worth laughing at.
Click here to see 66 pictures, all of which include "That guy...or girl"
Click here to see 66 pictures, all of which include "That guy...or girl"
So You Want to Work in Movies?
This may be of some interest to you guys. It is about, if you wanted to work in movies, what you should be asking yourself. I know in the past, Hock, Kiznox, and I talked of some ideas. Well, noting more to say. Here.
GOERG
GOERG
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Where Did My Free Time Go?
I'm in the process of buying a new car, and fuck, my job is making it INCREDIBLY difficult to close the deal. At the same time, its the same job that's giving me the money to be able to buy this car. Catch-22. The dealership I'm buying (maybe) the car from is closed on the weekends and for the next couple of weeks I'm only going to have weekends off. What the fuck? I have to do everything over the phone, which sucks. I guess its doable, but not very easy. This is not a light purchase, I need to be there to figure out everything about the car and make a final say. God dammit.
If you can't tell, I'm pretty ticked off. I'm buying this car because I have this job and a lease doesn't cut it. I got a little help by having Monday (2 days ago) off, but that wasn't enough. I might have this coming Monday off, but that's still up in the air. God, I hope so.
So, this got me thinking how much I DON'T want to do this forever. I just want to get out of the food service industry. It can get so fucking annoying. I know at some point Kiznox and I are planning to own a JJs or two, with the ultimate goal of owning a bar (which are all in the food industry, I know). But, for now, I really want to get away. Take some 9-5 job and have nights and weekends off. Not just weekends. Its cool traveling and all (right now I'm in Orlando and its gorgeous outside), but it wears on you when you want to do something and aren't able to.
I guess really all I want is the ability to take time off. Such as personal time off, sick time, or vacation anytime I want (not when they tell me). But I get no such luxury, because I'm in the food service industry. I don't even have a cap on the hours I work. I'm working about 50 hours per week, which doesn't even include travel. Eventually I'll be able to pretty much make my own hours and work about 35-40 hours per week, but who knows when that will happen. Hopefully before Lollapalooza (if the lineup rocks), so I can actually go (if the lineup rocks).
I don't want to take some mind-numbing job in a cubicle, but I do want to get away from the food service industry. The only problem is that I have no skills or redeeming qualities that would make me a better candidate than the next person. So basically I'm stuck. I'm stuck and I can't wedge my way out. I guess, in this economy, I'm glad I have a decent paying job...or a job period. But, if it was in any other industry, I think I would be happier. Even if it was sucking out my soul. Just for a little while...
If you can't tell, I'm pretty ticked off. I'm buying this car because I have this job and a lease doesn't cut it. I got a little help by having Monday (2 days ago) off, but that wasn't enough. I might have this coming Monday off, but that's still up in the air. God, I hope so.
So, this got me thinking how much I DON'T want to do this forever. I just want to get out of the food service industry. It can get so fucking annoying. I know at some point Kiznox and I are planning to own a JJs or two, with the ultimate goal of owning a bar (which are all in the food industry, I know). But, for now, I really want to get away. Take some 9-5 job and have nights and weekends off. Not just weekends. Its cool traveling and all (right now I'm in Orlando and its gorgeous outside), but it wears on you when you want to do something and aren't able to.
I guess really all I want is the ability to take time off. Such as personal time off, sick time, or vacation anytime I want (not when they tell me). But I get no such luxury, because I'm in the food service industry. I don't even have a cap on the hours I work. I'm working about 50 hours per week, which doesn't even include travel. Eventually I'll be able to pretty much make my own hours and work about 35-40 hours per week, but who knows when that will happen. Hopefully before Lollapalooza (if the lineup rocks), so I can actually go (if the lineup rocks).
I don't want to take some mind-numbing job in a cubicle, but I do want to get away from the food service industry. The only problem is that I have no skills or redeeming qualities that would make me a better candidate than the next person. So basically I'm stuck. I'm stuck and I can't wedge my way out. I guess, in this economy, I'm glad I have a decent paying job...or a job period. But, if it was in any other industry, I think I would be happier. Even if it was sucking out my soul. Just for a little while...
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Movie Quote of the Day
We don't read and write poetry because it's cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion. And medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for. To quote from Whitman, "O me! O life!... of the questions of these recurring; of the endless trains of the faithless... of cities filled with the foolish; what good amid these, O me, O life?" Answer. That you are here - that life exists, and identity; that the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. That the powerful play *goes on* and you may contribute a verse. What will your verse be?
- John Keating (Robin Williams) in "Dead Poets Society"
New Rules
I was doing a little visiting to the Daily CluterFuck archives and reading over a lot of our old posts (work is a little slow) and I found an old posting that I did back in July 2007 that regards Bill Maher's "New Rules" on his TV show, "Real Time with Bill Maher." I decided to look back on the October/November episodes of this past year (figured there'd be some better political satire closest to the election) and I give you the top 10 "New Rules" according to Bill Maher, starting from October 3rd and working toward November 14th's season finale:
Rule #1: John McCain has to stop saying, "I know how to get Osama Bin Laden." Well, if you do, then tel us now Mr. Country First. Does it involve laser beams on sharks? Is it something you read in a Hardy Boys book? Are you going to track him like Rambo? Call in the coordinates and then have Palin shoot him from a helicopter?
Rule #2: If you buy your kid a SWAT team costume for Halloween, the state gets to take your kids away. Little Joey wants candy and he knows how to get it. Forget ringing the doorbell. He's going to knock it down with a battering ram. "Trick or treat, motherfuckers!" "Give me the chocolate or Grandma gets it!"
Rule #3: Next year, someone has to put an initiative on the ballot that bans all ballot initiatives. Can you follow these things? "Vote Yes to say No to the people who Support the Opponents of Prop 13 - by voting No on Prop 11, which says Yes to energy independence, and Not No to our teachers and firefighters." If Thomas Jefferson ever heard this crap, he'd be spinning in his slave. Two hundred fifty years later and still an "ooh." Too soon.
Rule #4: You're not allowed to be shocked that breathing smoke might be bad for you. A new study shows that frequently burning incense may cause cancer. What, did you think you were protected by some kind of magic hippie force field? It comes down to what I always say: "If you're going to burn something and then inhale it, it might as well be getting you high!"
Rule #5: Barack Obama has to give comedians something to work with. Seriously, here's a guy who's not fat, not cheating on his wife, not stupid, not angry and not a phony. Who needs an asshole like that around for the next four years?
And what makes it even harder for comedians, Senator, is on top of being perfect, you're black! And liberals are afraid to laugh at anything with a black person in it. Which is silly, because when I do an Obama joke, it's not about all blacks. Just like when I do a George Bush joke, it's not a swipe at all retarded people.
Ah, George Bush. I mean, sure, he ruined banking, housing and the auto industry. But, the state of the comedy business is strong. And people need to laugh at their President. It's right in the Constitution.
Rule #6: (Photo of Salma Hayek) Either cover up the boobs or lose the baby. Preferably the latter. For God's sake, Salma Hayek, do you have any idea what kind of mixed signals you're giving my penis? It's up, it's down, it's up, it's down. It's like I have the Dow Jones Average in my pants!
Rule #7: Never give up hope! I never thought it would happen. You never thought it would happen. But you'll be able to tell your grandkids that in November of 2008, the impossible did happen: Guns N' Roses released "Chinese Democracy"!
Rule #8: Don't pretend Twinkies are healthy now. Just because you can get the 100 calories size. Here's the miracle: it's smaller. And here's how to make your own at home: cut an old Twinkie in half. And here's how to make it healthy: throw both halves in the toilet and eat a carrot.
Rule #9: Stop following me around the parking lot so you can take my spot. I don't even have a car! I'm just wandering around because Obama won and I'm on acid!
Rule #10: Go away! (slide of Palin and McCain on talk shows) If John McCain and Sarah Palin want to keep appearing on television, they must sing or do magic tricks. If we wanted to keep seeing you, we would have voted for you.
I'll try to remember to post another one of these for previous seasons if I think of it, if not, I'll try to get new and updated ones out!
Rule #1: John McCain has to stop saying, "I know how to get Osama Bin Laden." Well, if you do, then tel us now Mr. Country First. Does it involve laser beams on sharks? Is it something you read in a Hardy Boys book? Are you going to track him like Rambo? Call in the coordinates and then have Palin shoot him from a helicopter?
Rule #2: If you buy your kid a SWAT team costume for Halloween, the state gets to take your kids away. Little Joey wants candy and he knows how to get it. Forget ringing the doorbell. He's going to knock it down with a battering ram. "Trick or treat, motherfuckers!" "Give me the chocolate or Grandma gets it!"
Rule #3: Next year, someone has to put an initiative on the ballot that bans all ballot initiatives. Can you follow these things? "Vote Yes to say No to the people who Support the Opponents of Prop 13 - by voting No on Prop 11, which says Yes to energy independence, and Not No to our teachers and firefighters." If Thomas Jefferson ever heard this crap, he'd be spinning in his slave. Two hundred fifty years later and still an "ooh." Too soon.
Rule #4: You're not allowed to be shocked that breathing smoke might be bad for you. A new study shows that frequently burning incense may cause cancer. What, did you think you were protected by some kind of magic hippie force field? It comes down to what I always say: "If you're going to burn something and then inhale it, it might as well be getting you high!"
Rule #5: Barack Obama has to give comedians something to work with. Seriously, here's a guy who's not fat, not cheating on his wife, not stupid, not angry and not a phony. Who needs an asshole like that around for the next four years?
And what makes it even harder for comedians, Senator, is on top of being perfect, you're black! And liberals are afraid to laugh at anything with a black person in it. Which is silly, because when I do an Obama joke, it's not about all blacks. Just like when I do a George Bush joke, it's not a swipe at all retarded people.
Ah, George Bush. I mean, sure, he ruined banking, housing and the auto industry. But, the state of the comedy business is strong. And people need to laugh at their President. It's right in the Constitution.
Rule #6: (Photo of Salma Hayek) Either cover up the boobs or lose the baby. Preferably the latter. For God's sake, Salma Hayek, do you have any idea what kind of mixed signals you're giving my penis? It's up, it's down, it's up, it's down. It's like I have the Dow Jones Average in my pants!
Rule #7: Never give up hope! I never thought it would happen. You never thought it would happen. But you'll be able to tell your grandkids that in November of 2008, the impossible did happen: Guns N' Roses released "Chinese Democracy"!
Rule #8: Don't pretend Twinkies are healthy now. Just because you can get the 100 calories size. Here's the miracle: it's smaller. And here's how to make your own at home: cut an old Twinkie in half. And here's how to make it healthy: throw both halves in the toilet and eat a carrot.
Rule #9: Stop following me around the parking lot so you can take my spot. I don't even have a car! I'm just wandering around because Obama won and I'm on acid!
Rule #10: Go away! (slide of Palin and McCain on talk shows) If John McCain and Sarah Palin want to keep appearing on television, they must sing or do magic tricks. If we wanted to keep seeing you, we would have voted for you.
I'll try to remember to post another one of these for previous seasons if I think of it, if not, I'll try to get new and updated ones out!
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Remember that time that I don't get out much...
Well, hello everybody! Sorry I don't post more, but all I do is sit around and watch movies. So the only really interesting posts I do are these. I have seen another 50 movies never before seen by my gorgeous brown and white orbs. I hope you guys have some feedback about some of these movies. And as always, feel free to ask me about any of them and I will let you know whether or not I think a movie is worthy of your time. Let's get it on!
Very Good: Good Will Hunting, Real Time, Ghost Town, Winter Passing*, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, Yes Man*, Flakes*, Choke, Milk, The Go-Getter*, Eulogy*, What's Eating Gilbert Grape
Comments: Five out of these movies have Zooey Deschanel in it (with *). I don't know if I just really like her as an actress or if she just picks really excellent movies (or both!). I would definitely recommend Flakes (about a cereal bar) and Eulogy (lots of family dysfunction). Milk, the story of the 1st elected official to be openly gay, took my breathe away. It was brilliant. Real Time is about a man (Jay Baruchel) who owes a lot of money to bad people and given only an hour or so to live by Randy Quaid. The movie is then shot in real time from then on. Cool flick.
Good: Man of the Year, October Sky, Shadow of the Vampire, The Sword in the Stone, The Rutles: All You Need is Cash, Just Buried, War Inc, The Air I Breathe, Punch-Drunk Love, Grosse Pointe Blank, RocknRolla, Slumdog Millionaire, Rocket Science, Romeo + Juliet, The Day the Earth Stood Still
Comments: These films had a lot of good action and drama, but some of them couldn't keep my attention. I fell asleep during: RocknRolla, Slumdog Millionaire twice, and The Day the Earth... twice (once in theatres, once at home). If people like the Beatles, then I think they should watch, The Rutles. It is some of the Monty Python guys doing a parodyin the '70s...comedy gold.
Not So Good: The French Connection, The Spirit, The Rutles 2: Can't Buy Me Lunch, Max Payne, The Object of my Affection, The Ringer, Friends with Money, The Shapes of Things, Igor, Dirty Love, American Wedding, Better Off Dead, Quantum of Solace, What Just Happened, Madagascar 2: Escape 2 Africa
Comments: In my eyes, sequels never hold up, here are some examples: Rutles 2 = not as good as the first. Quantum dragged. American Wedding was not even close to the first. Madagascar 2 should have been left overseas. Other than that, The Ringer had its moments and didn't come off as too offense for being a movie about Johnny Knoxville pretending to be retarded. The only saving graces for Max Payne (definitely not the storyline): Mark Wahlberg is a badass and Mila Kunis is hot.
Bad: RV, My Boss's Daughter, Death Race, How to Eat Fried Worms, The Night Flier, Failure to Launch, Lakeview Terrace, The Invasion
Comments: A bunch of garbage films. Death Race was exactly like a video game. Failure.. was just that. Lakeview Terrace was 90 minutes of Sam jackson being terribly racist and stubborn. Boo that. The Invasion and Night Flier were poor excuses for scary movies.
Well, thar she is. If you guys have any suggestions on a movie that you have seen that I should see, let me know. I am always down for whatever cinema ya got for me. Big ups!
GOERG
PS: Sorry that that got so gangster as the end.
Very Good: Good Will Hunting, Real Time, Ghost Town, Winter Passing*, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, Yes Man*, Flakes*, Choke, Milk, The Go-Getter*, Eulogy*, What's Eating Gilbert Grape
Comments: Five out of these movies have Zooey Deschanel in it (with *). I don't know if I just really like her as an actress or if she just picks really excellent movies (or both!). I would definitely recommend Flakes (about a cereal bar) and Eulogy (lots of family dysfunction). Milk, the story of the 1st elected official to be openly gay, took my breathe away. It was brilliant. Real Time is about a man (Jay Baruchel) who owes a lot of money to bad people and given only an hour or so to live by Randy Quaid. The movie is then shot in real time from then on. Cool flick.
Good: Man of the Year, October Sky, Shadow of the Vampire, The Sword in the Stone, The Rutles: All You Need is Cash, Just Buried, War Inc, The Air I Breathe, Punch-Drunk Love, Grosse Pointe Blank, RocknRolla, Slumdog Millionaire, Rocket Science, Romeo + Juliet, The Day the Earth Stood Still
Comments: These films had a lot of good action and drama, but some of them couldn't keep my attention. I fell asleep during: RocknRolla, Slumdog Millionaire twice, and The Day the Earth... twice (once in theatres, once at home). If people like the Beatles, then I think they should watch, The Rutles. It is some of the Monty Python guys doing a parodyin the '70s...comedy gold.
Not So Good: The French Connection, The Spirit, The Rutles 2: Can't Buy Me Lunch, Max Payne, The Object of my Affection, The Ringer, Friends with Money, The Shapes of Things, Igor, Dirty Love, American Wedding, Better Off Dead, Quantum of Solace, What Just Happened, Madagascar 2: Escape 2 Africa
Comments: In my eyes, sequels never hold up, here are some examples: Rutles 2 = not as good as the first. Quantum dragged. American Wedding was not even close to the first. Madagascar 2 should have been left overseas. Other than that, The Ringer had its moments and didn't come off as too offense for being a movie about Johnny Knoxville pretending to be retarded. The only saving graces for Max Payne (definitely not the storyline): Mark Wahlberg is a badass and Mila Kunis is hot.
Bad: RV, My Boss's Daughter, Death Race, How to Eat Fried Worms, The Night Flier, Failure to Launch, Lakeview Terrace, The Invasion
Comments: A bunch of garbage films. Death Race was exactly like a video game. Failure.. was just that. Lakeview Terrace was 90 minutes of Sam jackson being terribly racist and stubborn. Boo that. The Invasion and Night Flier were poor excuses for scary movies.
Well, thar she is. If you guys have any suggestions on a movie that you have seen that I should see, let me know. I am always down for whatever cinema ya got for me. Big ups!
GOERG
PS: Sorry that that got so gangster as the end.
Friday, February 6, 2009
What's the Deal with Country Music?
Seriously. It's horrible.
I've been subjected to it for almost 2 weeks now (on Sirius while opening) and I have found no redeeming qualities. Whatever I was listening to was stereotypical country. All they sing about is dogs, trucks, outdoors, Jesus and infidelity. How those relate is anyone's guess, but they do it. I guess that's a good quality, maybe? This was pretty much every song. No matter who's singing it, guy, girl, group, whatever, it was always the same. Every singer has that weird twang in their voice that is somehow considered singing. Its a crazy southern accent that's not even good. Ugh. Not only were the lyrics horrid, but the rest of the music (all the other instruments) was just not appealing. Nothing good about it. There must be something wrong with most of this country.
No one can say I don't like it because I've never listened to it. Oh, I listened and now I have a hemorrhage in my head.
I've been subjected to it for almost 2 weeks now (on Sirius while opening) and I have found no redeeming qualities. Whatever I was listening to was stereotypical country. All they sing about is dogs, trucks, outdoors, Jesus and infidelity. How those relate is anyone's guess, but they do it. I guess that's a good quality, maybe? This was pretty much every song. No matter who's singing it, guy, girl, group, whatever, it was always the same. Every singer has that weird twang in their voice that is somehow considered singing. Its a crazy southern accent that's not even good. Ugh. Not only were the lyrics horrid, but the rest of the music (all the other instruments) was just not appealing. Nothing good about it. There must be something wrong with most of this country.
No one can say I don't like it because I've never listened to it. Oh, I listened and now I have a hemorrhage in my head.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
A meteor eh? Try again...
Check this shit out that I found on Discovery News. There is a very good chance that scientists have discovered what actually killed the dinosaurs and most other life back all those years ago. This is friggin amazing if it is the reason, and judging by the content of the article, it appears to be a damn good possibility!
Let me know what you think!
Let me know what you think!
Monday, February 2, 2009
When I posted, I didnt think that I would actually pass out from exhaustion in this goddamn chair and spill a beer on myself and this fucking keyboard
but I did.
And I woke up this morning, in bed, next to Sara, who apparantly helped me zombie walk to bed.
And I woke up this morning, in bed, next to Sara, who apparantly helped me zombie walk to bed.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
You Can Have the Mornings...
at least, for now...
This has been one of the longest weeks of my life. 10 days straight, at 12 hours a piece, with one more bullshit shift left. I feel like a fucking zombie.
I wish I could show you all my shoes. I looked at them a week ago and would almost swear that I wore them down to nothing in just this week alone.
So I got promoted. I am freaking excited. I am freaking happy about it. I am freaking. Period. Dot com. This is one of the hardest things that I have ever done. Ever. Running a business is incredibly difficult, especially when you realize that you cannot work 24 hours a day. I need a multitude of clones, keys to the deposit box, some retarted kids I can pay to clean the things no one else wants to clean, and enough time in the day to actually DO something afterwards.
This is my shot to prove that I am capable of anything, that I can handle anything that comes my way, that I can get the fucking blue vase.
I am so goddamn tired. I wish that I could post more, but I am falling asleep at the desk and dont care. In fact, Im not getting up...I'll just sleep, uncomfortably, in this chair.
Nite,
from the chair.
This has been one of the longest weeks of my life. 10 days straight, at 12 hours a piece, with one more bullshit shift left. I feel like a fucking zombie.
I wish I could show you all my shoes. I looked at them a week ago and would almost swear that I wore them down to nothing in just this week alone.
So I got promoted. I am freaking excited. I am freaking happy about it. I am freaking. Period. Dot com. This is one of the hardest things that I have ever done. Ever. Running a business is incredibly difficult, especially when you realize that you cannot work 24 hours a day. I need a multitude of clones, keys to the deposit box, some retarted kids I can pay to clean the things no one else wants to clean, and enough time in the day to actually DO something afterwards.
This is my shot to prove that I am capable of anything, that I can handle anything that comes my way, that I can get the fucking blue vase.
I am so goddamn tired. I wish that I could post more, but I am falling asleep at the desk and dont care. In fact, Im not getting up...I'll just sleep, uncomfortably, in this chair.
Nite,
from the chair.
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