The Daily ClusterFuck...

George Miller may be helming a new Justice League movie. Characters announced so far include Superman, Batman, the Flash, Aquaman. WHERE THE FUCK IS THE GREEN LANTERN?!?!?!?!?!

 

Fisher-Price is trying to kill children. With lead covered Elmos. Suck it, kiddies.

 

"A lawsuit, filed in federal court Tuesday, sets the watch itself as defendant and establishes its value at $70,000." America, go fuck yourself.

 

This is why Florida is America's Wang. "A police report says the video shows Jane and her husband torturing a live frog, two live chameleons, and a live parakeet -- all for sexual gratification."

 

HAHAHAHAHA! Oh, the Irony!

 

After completely abandoning any hope for masculinity, the Japanese are Boxing Beetles now. If only Vick could have gotten into that.

 

Tony Snow catches Giuliani Disease: Q: "Tony, how can the president say he's a fiscal conservative by vetoing a $22 billion program when the CBO now estimates the Iraq war will cost $1 trillion?" A: "9/11"

 

Man arrested for having sex with street signs. Also, "large amount" of video of him doing it to other signs at his home. WhaFuck?

 

"The fine stemmed from a July 22 incident outside a local bar during which police asked him twice to stop ringing the bell on his bicycle. But when an attractive woman asked if she could ring it, Palermo said he agreed." Dude, you know exactly what I would have done in this situation.

 

Man buys new phone surprised to see sex act still in phone's video portion. Weird sex story trifecta complete.

 

And for no reason whatsoever: Because of poor sales, Microsoft is releasing a new & improved version of Vista.

 

 

My Brilliance Knows No Limits.

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Quote of the Day...

 

"Do your children enjoy jazz music? For I am here to tell you that Cab Calloway, Dizzy Gillespie, Duke Ellington and the whole weed-blowing, ginger-colored lot are merely masquerading as musicians and are in fact agents of evil. (nods) Reefer slows down the smokers' sense of time, allowing them to squeeze in unnecessary "grace notes", giving this voodoo music the power to hypnotize white women into indulging in unspeakable acts of degradation."

 

~ Alan Cumming as the Lecturer in Reefer Madness. Bitches.

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Pinpoint customers who are looking for what you sell.

Eye Candy of the Day...

 

 

Kristen Bell, who was in Reefer Madness before going on to Veronica Mars. Interesting.

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Which Lois Lane is Sexier?

 

Erica Durance From Smallville

 

 

Kate Bostworth from Superman Returns

 

 

Teri Hatcher from Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman

 

 

Margot Kidder from the Superman Movies

 

 

Tell me which of these Lanes is the best. Keep in mind, I am pretty sure I know which one you all are going to pick. But you're wrong.

 

And Margot Kidder does NOT have a sexier picture than this one. I tried. Dear GOD, I tried.

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Building a website is a piece of cake.
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Hey Rambo!

You totally skipped some of the best WYRs this week. I'll fill them in:

First of all, Would you rather...


Slap a baby or punch a 9 year old?

Can I pick both as long as I won't get in trouble?


Be poor or be insane?

A real toughie... It depends how insane we're talking. If you mean "the kind of insanity that breeds genius" a la da Vinci, I'm there. Otherwise I'd rather be poor, and that's what I'll probably be.


Listen to the song "Sweet Home Alabama" 100 times a day for the rest of your life, or watch the Reese Witherspoon movie "Sweet Home Alabama" 10 times a day for the rest of your life?

I choose secret option 3: Kill myself. Unless I can watch Sweet Home Alabama with no sound and different music playing.


Eat a handful of hair or lick three public telephones?

EWWWWW!!! Pubic telephones?! OH! Nevermind. Yeah I'll lick the public telephones no prob.


Fall asleep in all your classes, or never be able to fall asleep in class?

Eh, I'll take the latter. Learning is good.


Be stung by a scorpion or bitten by a snake?

Neither sounds at all pleasant, but as long as we're talking non fatal, I'd say the snake. Arachnids are way scarier.

It's baaaaaaaack!

Welcome one and all to the next installment of Would You Rather?! I will be AWOL for the next few days, as well as Kiznox, so enjoy this post until then!

Would You Rather...

Knock boots with Marge Simpson or Lois Griffin?

Interesting question indeed! They obviously both enjoy bigger guys so that sucks a little, don't know if I'd totally fit into those shoes and they have both had three kids however I believe that I will go with Lois Griffin because she seems more apt to go get hammered with me or possibly do some drugs whereas Marge doesn't seem to be a huge risk taker (obviously short of her gambling problem). Giggidy!

Only be able to eat or only be able to drink?

Wow. Ummm...I would say that if I could only drink I would drink a lot more Pepsi than I currently do...and that's a lot but it would all work because I do not usually have an appetite the more Pepsi I drink so that would kill my appetite but I would have to drink like V8 or something to get my nutrients...so I'm going with food because there is much more variety with that than drinks...except my beloved beer...dammit! I'm really torn now! Beer...Food...Beer...Food...life is no longer worth living....AHHHHH! (splat)

Have no cell phone or no Internet?

I could go with no cell phone or Internet really but if I have to get rid of one and keep the other I would probably have to say keep my cell phone because I honestly don't know what I would do without either of them but having a cell phone let's you be a little more personal with your friends and family than the Internet ever could...plus I can be a little shitty of a driver at times and the cell phone is for those emergency times.

Slap a baby or punch a 9-year-old girl?

Dear God...

Be sore for the rest of your life or break every bone in your body once?

Oh my...I guess I could handle soreness as long as it's not like my entire body. Breaking every bone in your body could lead to a lot more problems down the road than soreness. I don't really wanna run the risk of a lot more arthritis than I deserve. Soreness you win this round!

Never grow up or never have sex?

Who says you have to be a grown up to have sex? Except your body that is...

Be able to see what video games will look like in 200 years, or see what cars will look like in 200 years?

Interesting indeed! I would have to go with cars because that would just go friggin awesome to know! In the end I don't truly care because I will not be around (unless they Austin Powers me) but to see what a car would look like would rule. This is not to say I don't care about the video games but I have a feeling they will be extremely realistic with the controls probably being actual motion and you physically moving around (a la virtual reality). Go Go Gadget Cars!!

Be able to fly for a half hour a day, or hover a couple feet off the ground for as long as you want?

Knowing me if I gave myself the ability to fly for only a half hour a day then there would be waaaay to many times I would lose track of time and come crashing down...so I'm gonna go with the hovering for the sake of my life and because I'm a dumbass.

Good Old Georgey

It's nice to know that our president is making sure to hold our privacy by its balls until the bitter end of his term. Apparently, the government took away some of his wiretapping priviliges, and this has prompted the Bush administration to push for "emergency" legislation to expand wiretapping powers (and I quote from the linked article because they said it better than I would).

Election '08

No matter the outcome, everyone wins! :)

MTV - In Memoriam

Oh MTV,
Sixteen years ago, you blessed the preteen to twenty-somethings demographic with a new and inspired idea. Combine our loves - music and television. Suddenly we had the rockingest channel this side of basic cable, with hits like MTV Unplugged and Headbanger's Ball. In the midst of all, however, we became tempted by the dark side of reality tv - you got us addicted to hits like Real World and Road Rules. Amid a blur of Spring Break specials and episodes of MTV jams, I realized something very troubling: Music Television had lost the music. THe only time you saw even part of a music video was on total request live, and I don't trust the general American public to pick ten videos I actually give a crap about. Of course you didn't really think we were that stupid... so you sated us rockers with MTV 2 - a channel proposed to make up for the falling numbers of videos on the main network. But too soon again did you rip that from our hands and replace music with MTV cribs and Yo Momma. And so, MTV, it is now with great sadness that I must admit
you are dead to me.
Consider this to my memorial to what was once a great network - in hopes that some day, when the idiots who watch reality tv realize that what they're watching is terrible, MTV might return to it's former glory, and shower us with bountiful music videos.

Or seriously, can you at least give us a REAL channel devoted just to videos? I promise we'll watch. Or at least I will - and as a young twenty-something, I AM YOUR DEMOGRAPHIC!


As a funny side note, before I went back and edited this post, I started three sentences in a row with the word "suddenly" as follows:
Suddenly we had the rockingest channel this side of basic cable, with hits like MTV Unplugged and Headbanger's Ball. Suddenly, we became tempted by the dark side of reality tv - you got us addicted to hits like Real World and Road Rules. Suddenly, in a blur of Spring Break specials and episodes of MTV jams, I realized something very troubling: Music Television had lost the music.

Ah, the subtle nuance of unedited blogging...

Fuck you Panera

So I went to Panera today - always seems like a pretty good choice especially when my mom's paying for me. The food there's pretty good, and it's usually a decent atmosphere. So we get up to the counter to order, and I decide on a You Pick Two* combo. You may be wondering about the asterisk*, and so was I, so I direct my eyes to the bottom of the sign. It essentially said "Items marked with stars are subject to additional charge." So to avoid paying more than 5.99 for half a sandwich and half a salad I checked out my options: to avoid incurring an extra fee I could have a caesar or side salad with a peanut butter and jelly or grilled cheese. Seriously Panera? I'm paying six dollars for HALF a sandwich and HALF a salad, and the best you can give me would cost me fifty cents to make at home? Of course I could option for som of the more gourmet options, but I do not enjoy paying eight dollars for half of a really good salad and half of a really good sandwich.

So fuck you Panera, way to jump on the "the economy sucks in this country" bandwagon and charge me up the ass for your crappy combo. Next time I'm fuckin going to Jimmy John's

So Tacky...

I can't believe that Minneapolis story Hock, it's terrible. And I love how in the wake of the tragedy the front page still assures us that "there was no suspicion of terrorism involved with this accident." Thank you department of homeland security.

Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with our country? >:(

Holy Fucking Shit Moment Of The Day

So a bridge across the Mississippi River, well, umm, collapsed earlier today. During rush hour, no less. I'm flabbergasted.

"A freight train was passing under the bridge when it collapsed and was cut in two" OH MY GOD!

It's the BSOD tat...

So I have yet to decide if I think this is cool in even the remotest sense of the word. I mean, the guy gets some serious credit for getting the entirety of the BSOD, but still...Is this a 'fuck you' to Windows? Is it just the greatest moment in this dude's life? No way to tell.

I guess it really does not matter, since there is no way in hell that I would ever get a tattoo like this. I cannot, however, wait until I can get my next one.

This Makes Me Happy

This coming from the letters section in the brand new issue (Sept. 2007) of Car and Driver.

"...I am finally sick and tired of all the rich and famous assholes who find it necessary to purchase a car of this caliber [Ferrari 599GTB] with paddle shifters. When did we ever decide that shifting with a manual transmission was too hard or not fun?"

I love this guy. I hate the fact that Americans are either too lazy or too stupid to drive a stick. Manual transmissions are almost obsolete in American cars. This makes me incredibly sad. Why can't every car, or at least a lot more, be offered with a manual? Is that so hard? Fucking American automakers. No wonder why you suck.


This leads me to another thought. Why do commercials have to say things like "do not attempt?" Are Americans really that stupid? Honestly. They must be, if they don't realize that they shouldn't attempt anything from commercials or movies or anything that has a crazy stunt in it. I'm surrounded by fucking idiots.

More Halo 3 Goodness

Well, if you didn't know, Halo 3 is gonna be huge. Now there is new info about the co-op gameplay. 2 player splitscreen is still intact, but new for Halo 3, 4 player online or system linked co-op for the single player campaign. Fucking awesome. Maybe I'll start using Xbox Live.

Artists are crazy fuckers

Once again, artists are crazy fuckers. He also must be an alcoholic.

Hey Cottenmouth!

Here's another reason to buy an Xbox 360. This game can be fun.

Today in History...

MTV (Music Television) is an American cable television network based in New York City. Launched on August 1, 1981, the original purpose of the channel was to show music videos. Today, MTV broadcasts a variety of music, pop culture, youth culture, and reality television shows aimed at adolescents and young adults.

On August 1, 1981, at 12:01 a.m., MTV: Music Television launched with the words "Ladies and gentlemen, rock and roll," spoken by original COO John Lack. Those words were accompanied by the original MTV theme song, a crunching guitar riff written by Jonathan Elias and John Petersen, playing over a montage of the Apollo 11 moon landing. MTV producers Alan Goodman and Fred Seibert used this public domain footage as a conceit, associating MTV with the most famous moment in world television history.

Appropriately, the first music video shown on MTV was "Video Killed the Radio Star" by The Buggles. The second video shown was Pat Benatar's "You Better Run". Sporadically, the screen would go black when someone at MTV inserted a tape into a VCR.

Mutants Fighting Once Again

Fuck, this game sounds like it has some promise, but there is also a game called Marvel Nemesis that sucked ass. As long as they actually put in some time to the game, it can become a mix of Tekken and Dragonball Z: Budokai Tenkaichi 2. Which means a great fighting system with added super powered awesomeness. I hope there are a shitload of characters and destructible environments along with great gameplay. Oh please, EA, make this a game that's worth buying.

This might be Heaven...

Or at least delicious.

This KFC is in Seattle. Let me know if you hear of any freebies closer to home. Also, why don't escort services do this kind of promoting? I think it would definitely boost business. Hell, I would surely enjoy a night with a free escort. That way, it isn't prostitution.

Also in random thoughts:
* I cannot get Lindsay Lohan out of my head. And yes, she is consistently nude. And yes, I know I'll never date her.
* I could totally be a negotiator at a crime scene. I just need a bullet-proof vest and a lot of leeway. Wait. No. I would suck at that.
* I want to rent/buy a video game soon. Sleeping at my parents house with my tele about 3 feet from my face begs me to hook up the 360.
* If I were a superhero, I would want to eventually be introduced in a comic book first because I want to see what kind of sweet costume Lee would give me. But in the real world, I would rock the track pants and t-shirt/hoodie. And I would be a bad ass.
* Just overheard in the office. "I've never been a numbers person. They're like, hard to remember."
* I'm pretty sure that midgets might be evil. Or at least sent by some higher evil being to wreak havoc on the world.
* And I just changed my stance on the HPV vaccine being made mandatory. Not just because of the article listed in the ClusterFuck, but mostly because of this: "Good thing we've got a vaccine. Too bad we've also got idiots that oppose the vaccine for religious reasons—hey, it says right there in the bible somewhere that if you get infected with HPV as an infant because your dad has the virus under his fingernails then you're a slut who deserves to die." ~Dan Savage.

The Daily ClusterFuck...

Would you make an udder joke on this one? I just cant. I want to. But I cant.

Actual Headline: Henry: Did Bush Make Brown His BFF, Jill? WhaFuck?

Senator Ted Stevens (R-etard) from Alaska had his home raided by the FBI and IRS. In other news, Ted Stevens is still alive.

Ahem..."Each year, over 6000 people are traumatized by goats in the United States alone." The Childhood GOAT TRAUMA Foundation.

Roman Catholic racist, foul-mouthed priest on leave. Thanks YouTube.

In a 5$ Billion deal, Rupert Murdoch now owns Dow Jones & Company. Which means that he owns the Wall Street Journal. Cancel your subscriptions now.

Wash your hands, guys. You could have HPV under your fingernails.

Stop me if you've heard this one: A Baptist minister is charged with indecent exposure, DUI, and offering police oral sex. The punchline? He was in a dress.

If you're going to be a peeping tom, try not to fall through the roof and into the same room as the person you are watching. (With moderately attractive victim photo goodness)

To prove that I think every religion has an equal opportunity to prove itself FUCKING STUPID: "After the worship, he chopped off his right hand and offered (it) to the temple of Goddess Kali."

Yahoo! knew what the Chinese were doing. But we have always done business with Eastasia. (and if you are getting this reference, well done.)

This guy lost both arms and leg but figured out how to "drive using his stumps, toes and teeth." Next big accomplishment? Going to jail after high-speed chase.

TV Show of the Summer

Summer is in full swing, but the good TV shows are few and far in between. I haven't had a chance to watch much TV myself, but I have come across a new show on G4 called "Code Monkeys." It's a hilarious look at a video game studio during the 1980s with a twist. It's all computer-generated and pixelated to look like an old-school NES game. The main character, Dave, is a stoner programmer who always gets into trouble but always finds a way out of the punishment. He even painted his junk green, just because he was stoned out of his mind one night. Jerry is the other main character who is Dave's best friend and the rational one. He's alright, but funny things happen to him, mostly from Dave's wrong-doings. I can swear that Todd, the D&D douchebag, is voiced by the guy who does Master Shake from "Aqua Teen Hunger Force." Mr. Larrity is your all-American businessman asshole. He's hilariously southern. Also, how can you go wrong with a show with a character named Black Steve? Sure its racist as hell, but he carries a gun and makes fun of all the white boys. This show is just so cleverly done with a constantly increasing score, a health bar and other indicators on the outsides of the screen as well as amazing references to video games and pop culture of the 80s. So, if you like video games, the 80s, or just laughing, then I would suggest you at least take a look at this show on Wednesdays at 9pm on G4.


A close second, "The Loop," on Fox. Sure this show had only like 8 episodes this season, but holy fuck is it a funny one.

It might just be me...

But these are the nicest, non-famous legs I have seen in a long time.



And I cannot wait to find out who they belong to.

Eye Candy of the Day...

Anne Hathaway. Delicious.

I really want to try Frito Pie...

I dont know why.
But I gotta try,
Some Frito Fucking Pie.

Karaoke Round-Up 7/30/07

In what was probably one of the most successful karaoke nights so far, performances were top notch from both our participants and the others in the bar. A quick summary of events:
-Somehow Cottonmouth was able to somehow make it through Radiohead's "Creep" without cracking and making an ass of himself. He was very proud.
-There was an amazing rendition of "Unchained Melody" by a cute boy who got a standing ovation.
-Scott and Cottonmouth rocked(ish) the shortest version of NIN's "Closer" ever with crowd pleasing results.
-Phil's Copacabana prompted an elderly couple to get up and dance together at like 1am. Rock on grandpa!

Known issues:
-Presence of Anthony Markwort, Cottonmouth's ex-best friend who would take every moment to talk about himself and brag. If you speak a word about yourself to him (i.e. get a word in edgewise) he sometimes just stops talking to you.
-Nate, Annie and J Wynn got pulled over and had to breathalize - J Wynn, having the lowest BAC was forced to drive home. Unsure of Nate's legal status

Funny Note:
-My mom asked me the next day "You didn't drive last night, did you?" "Of course not!" I replied. "Good, because you were really drunk last night. I could hear you stumbling around upstairs."

If We Could Talk to Animals...

So I was sitting on my back porch, a little stoned, and watching and listening to animals interact with one another. And I started thinking about how amazing it is that we are the only species that has not one complex language in which we communicate, but hundreds of different languages. Other animals, if they were to interact with the same species anywhere in the world, it would understand them. But that is because they speak in a much simpler language. So why haven't we figured out how to understand animals yet? It should be kind of like learning a new language.

Oh my god I'm really fucking stoned.

:)

Fractals are AWESOME!

Check out some sweet fractal art I found:

In the spirit of comedy...

I have decided that I am in a marvelously funny mood today...don't ask why...but in the spirit of that I have decided that I am going to put up a huge list of some of my favorite jokes from some of my favorite comedians!

Lewis Black:

Behind me, I heard a young woman of 25 say, "If it weren't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college." Now, I'm gonna repeat that, because it bears repeating. "If it weren't for my horse..." as in, giddyup, giddyup, let's go — "I wouldn't have spent that year in college," which is a degree-granting institution. Don't think about that too long, or BLOOD will shoot out your NOSE!

The Republicans are the party of bad ideas. The Democrats are the party of no ideas.

In my lifetime, we've gone from Eisenhower to George W. Bush. We've gone from John F. Kennedy to Al Gore. If this is evolution, I believe that in 12 years, we'll be voting for plants.

Rodney Dangerfield:

In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.

My wife was afraid of the dark...then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I drink too much...way to much. My doctor drew blood and he ran a tab.

Bill Cosby:

I am not the boss of my house. I don't know when I lost it. I don't know if I ever had it. But I have seen the boss's job and I do not want it.

My father confused me. From the ages of one to seven, I thought my name was Jesus Christ!

Don't worry about senility," my grandfather used to say. "When it hits you, you won't know it.

Fathers are the geniuses of the house because only a person as intelligent as we could fake such stupidity. Think about your father: He doesn't know where anything is. You ask him to do something, he messes it up, and your mother sends you: "Go down and see what your father's doing before he blows up the house." He's a genius at work because he doesn't want to do it, and knows someone will be coming soon to stop him from doing it.

For good measure (and because I'm a big drinker) I decided to throw some drinking quotes on there here as well:

A man's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink. (W.C. Fields)

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. They wake up in the morning and that's the best they're going to feel all day. (Dean Martin)

The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house. (Jeff Foxworthy)

I don't have a drinking problem. I drink, I get drunk, I fall down. No problem.

Hey, Even You Can be Healthy

Just use these tips and maybe you can become a little healthier.

I could have...

I could have stopped at McDonald's tonight on my way home from the bar, but I didn't want to stop.

I could have eaten a couple of cookies when I got home, but I have some self restraint.

I could have gotten some sex tonight, but...oh who am I kidding, I wasn't gonna get some sex tonight.

Maybe next time...