I promise I am not an idiot

So my sister gave me this melon flavored japanese pop today, a brand called ramune.

I consider myself to be a very intelligent person. But I'll tell you. I had no fuckin clue how to open it.

First of all let's examine the bottle:


Interesting design... I had assumed those indentations were where japanese people naturally hold the bottle (Japanese people generally seem to have pretty small hands). Little did I know how wrong I would prove.

Attempt number one: Upon peeling off the plastic protector, the white cap simply came off in my hand. So I lifted the bottle to drink. Nothing. In fact, the bottle was still totally sealed with glass, with the exception of a piece of hard plastic around the top, which simply held another piece of glass that was dome shaped. It kind of looked like that gross lip gloss that 11 year old girls wear that has a little plastic ball at the top to ensure they don't waste. Or similarly, like perfume bottles of the same nature.

Attempt number two: Try twisting off plastic piece. All I did was spin the label on the bottle

At this time I checked the bottle for opening directions. Then I remembered almost everything on the bottle was in Japanese. Fuck

Attempt number three: Try prying off plastic piece. Still no luck. I figured if I had to work that hard I had to be doing something wrong. I briefly considered getting a sharp knife to aid me, but again, I figured there was no way someone would design a bottle that needed such extreme opening measures.

Attempt number four: Try licking glass piece in case it works just like aforementioned lip gloss. Nope, it wouldn't budge.

Attempt number five: Try using discarded original plastic piece as magical straw. I don't know what I was thinking here. I just noticed a small tube - with only one end open, mind you - and I put it against the glass dome and just sucked. Not surprisingly, nothing happened, except me realizing my own idiocy for actually trying that.

At this point I gave up. I put the drink in the fridge again and searched for it online.

Yep that's right. I had to SEARCH ONLINE FOR DIRECTIONS ON HOW TO OPEN A SODA BOTTLE. The worst part? The first thing it said was that it is one of the most popular Japanese drinks. Maybe they really are just smarter over there.

THE FINAL VERDICT:

So it turns out I needn't have felt bad after all. Let me tell you how this works:

The glass piece is a marble, held securely in place by the carbonation of the soda. The first plastic cap (with the tube bit) is a device to push the marble into the bottle and release the seal. And to bring it all full circle...


The indentations catch the marble so it rolls around in the neck of the bottle while you drink. Unfuckingbelievable